So another school year has begun and I sit now looking back over the past few months and am truly and utterly amazed at all that has happened!
IT has been a month since I last blogged and during that time I have been learning to just enjoy life again.
I honestly am enjoying it - are there hard times -sure. No one has a perfect life.. but I am learning to appropriate more and more what it means to be one in Christ.
To know Him more and more intimately - to enjoy the little things like getting up early to drive kids to their new bus stops - it is an awesome time of the day to be with them and be sure to send them off on their day with a good word or prayer.
I have back at EBC for my second year and God is going to do some amazing things there this year!
How many of us actually know Jesus the way we want to know Him? I would suggest that you may be happy and content BUT DONT STAY THERE .. there is alwaysmore you can know .. there is always another step of intimacy... there is possibly that one part of life ( big or small) that you may still be keeping Him out of and handling that on your own as you think that He is not interested. OH that is not so my friend!
Part of my time this summer I have spent in conversations with my Pastor , trying to figure out where my gifting is leading me, where in my home church can it be used and further more, what is Father saying to me about my gifting.
If I was a man, that would be much simplier to answer.. most people in the church would be "come on then lets start walking along side you and raising you up to be a godly leader in this church" - but as a woman, there are differences - so what does that look like? hmm not sure yet.. but if you are reading this you can join me in praying that thru!
I completed a field ed placement this summer at Christian Horizons and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I loved it so much and currently praying how to be used within this ministry now.
I need to run, but I wanted to take the time to catch up and reflect on a few things...
Til next time
Jacqueline
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Father thank you that you are okay with where I am at!
I am in the process today of working through a few more of the hindrances that are getting in the way of my "abundant life". YES for the record, I am aware that I am being somewhat self absorbedm but that is not who I am - it is how I am acting (at this moment). But all that said, this is going to eventually lead to truth.. one way or the other.
One thing that is on my mind, imagine someone who cant seem to trust anyone (or perhaps refuses to trust because of past hurts); how then do you get through to him? how do you show that person the unconditional love of God that we all know (at least in our heads) is true. How do we as a person help show the person that God is NEVER going to give up..NEVER. It is sad when we watch someone we care about "appear like they are refusing" to see truth or cant seem to appropriate what it is that needs to be done.
What would you do? Is there a time limit at which you would grow weary? Perhaps after speaking truth ( and there seemed to be no change) you would eventually leave the person to figure it out on their own? BUT I am not convinced that is the answer.
Directing them to Jesus is the absolute best advice that can be given, but there has got to be more to it. (Now please know I am NOT saying there is more needed then Jesus)- what I am saying is that there is something in the way with some people. Something that is a BIG hindrance to understanding and accepting this "unconditional love and grace".
Now the most obvious and largest "hindrance" is Satan. We see all around us that he keeps getting in the way, and we can say without a doubt that he does NOT want any christian living an abundant life.
I am not sure what I would do if I was referring to a friend of mine who seemed to refuse to see and accept truth - but I have been on the receiving end of this. There are some things in this journey of mine that I cant seem to "get".
To all who "look on" it seems so easy. "Trust, forgive, know who you are" - but there is no one that would not want to do that if they were honestly seeking to be well, whole and living the abundant life. SOOO - what's up then?
My journey of healing has been one of so many ups and downs. Healing that I didnt even know needed to take place is being brought to the surface. I am not sorry for anything that is happening - for I know inside there are still some areas of my life that need Jesus' light shining in.
I am however frustrated with myself today - more then I have been in a long long time. Something that is so apparently "simple" and obvious to many of the people I love - seems to be so "complicated". It seems to be that many people have that "key" but the key I have will NOT open that door. But, I apparently have that same "KEY" - so what's wrong?
This I know -God is not giving up on us EVER, He is the one that will continue to reveal things, do the healing and open our eyes (clearing off the muck). I cant do it myself, my pastor, friends and any counsellor in the world can not do it.
Father show me more and more of you and your truth. Show me your love and the complete picture and yet the complete simplicity of your gospel. Help it to penetrate to the deepest regions of my being. Show me what it means to stop striving and trying and to simply 'BE'
til next time
Jacqueline
One thing that is on my mind, imagine someone who cant seem to trust anyone (or perhaps refuses to trust because of past hurts); how then do you get through to him? how do you show that person the unconditional love of God that we all know (at least in our heads) is true. How do we as a person help show the person that God is NEVER going to give up..NEVER. It is sad when we watch someone we care about "appear like they are refusing" to see truth or cant seem to appropriate what it is that needs to be done.
What would you do? Is there a time limit at which you would grow weary? Perhaps after speaking truth ( and there seemed to be no change) you would eventually leave the person to figure it out on their own? BUT I am not convinced that is the answer.
Directing them to Jesus is the absolute best advice that can be given, but there has got to be more to it. (Now please know I am NOT saying there is more needed then Jesus)- what I am saying is that there is something in the way with some people. Something that is a BIG hindrance to understanding and accepting this "unconditional love and grace".
Now the most obvious and largest "hindrance" is Satan. We see all around us that he keeps getting in the way, and we can say without a doubt that he does NOT want any christian living an abundant life.
I am not sure what I would do if I was referring to a friend of mine who seemed to refuse to see and accept truth - but I have been on the receiving end of this. There are some things in this journey of mine that I cant seem to "get".
To all who "look on" it seems so easy. "Trust, forgive, know who you are" - but there is no one that would not want to do that if they were honestly seeking to be well, whole and living the abundant life. SOOO - what's up then?
My journey of healing has been one of so many ups and downs. Healing that I didnt even know needed to take place is being brought to the surface. I am not sorry for anything that is happening - for I know inside there are still some areas of my life that need Jesus' light shining in.
I am however frustrated with myself today - more then I have been in a long long time. Something that is so apparently "simple" and obvious to many of the people I love - seems to be so "complicated". It seems to be that many people have that "key" but the key I have will NOT open that door. But, I apparently have that same "KEY" - so what's wrong?
This I know -God is not giving up on us EVER, He is the one that will continue to reveal things, do the healing and open our eyes (clearing off the muck). I cant do it myself, my pastor, friends and any counsellor in the world can not do it.
Father show me more and more of you and your truth. Show me your love and the complete picture and yet the complete simplicity of your gospel. Help it to penetrate to the deepest regions of my being. Show me what it means to stop striving and trying and to simply 'BE'
til next time
Jacqueline
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Thoughts from the Leadership Conference
This past week has been an interesting one. Father is continuing His work in me.I went from going away to a conference, to not going, to then the night before -packing to go and also deciding to take my two children with me.(Talk about being impulsive - but for the record they did GREAT and I am already thinking about one in the spring I would love to take them too!)
I attended the simucast Willow Creek Leadership Conference with a few other people from my church. It was a really organized and well done conference with many many people in attendance. As always I had come to some of my own goals going in to the conference but that fell to the wayside the very first morning.
Father had other plans and even though I went into the conference with a head packed full of other issues, concerns and items from other "categories" of my life - I did at times have a hard time always concentratinge (yes I admit I should have turned off the blackberry- however I needed to be able to be reached by my children if they would have drowned in the pool or something!)- Father was able to speak to me and to shine more of HIS light (in more of the dark places) - despite the distractions!
But in the end it has turned out ok. I realised that I could change nothing about what was going on back home with family, friends or issues with the selling of my house. I didnt have to respond to all the emails about various issues and concerns and that was ok.
So - What did I learn? Here are a few:
1. Do we stop to see the potential of ALL people? or have we labelled some "misfits" or "they will never change"?
Father reminded me that not all of the healing done in Jesus ministry was "instantanious". There were some sick for many years and then there were some who were healed in a moment. BUT regardless, there is a plan for good for each and every person! Do we stop to think about that? and then, do we ask Father if there is a part we are to play in that person's life? or do we treat them like in the story of the good samaritan and busily walk past leaving the "dirty work" for someone else?
2. KNOTS and Mistakes OR a beautiful picture?
When people look at the tapestry of your masterpiece (that is the picture of your life's journey so far) do they see a beautiful picture? or mostly knots? Are you okay with people seeing the mistakes?
Father showed me again this week that I am SO concerned about the picture of what other people see that it is getting in the way of what it is He wants to do.
I have tried and tried to make the mistakes look "not so obvious". I have been ashamed of the pain and the tears of regrets. I have been "working" so hard on that same treadmill .. and still getting no where. But here's the thing Father showed me this week (Again!!)
a. Jesus - He came and paid the price - so that the shame is gone- why do we carry it still? its been dealt with - do we not want to be well?
b. ALL my mistakes and pains ARE part of my journey! This in turn makes my ENTIRE journey one that people can look at and observe.
Wes Stafford (From the organization Compassion) shared his story of how when he wrote his book about his passion for caring for the little ones. He was challenged and encouraged to tell the WHY. Why was he so passionate? where did the passion and determination to help come from? He shared a very painful story and it was during that story that I was touched SO deeply. Yes his story was painful, yes it brought up alot of sadness and memories for myself and MANY others in the room BUT more importantly was the encouragement that it is our painful journey that people can relate too.
It may very well be the "knots and mistakes" that we are trying to "hide' and "fix up" (or hope that noone ever finds out about) that in fact are the very things that may help reach someone else.
3. HUDDLE or "IN THE GAME"
Harvey Carey shared a GREAT illustration about paying a great price for tickets. We buy the tickets, we go to the game, we are excited and pumped for it to start and out comes the team. We watch the team go into the huddle to plan and strategize, we wait and we wait. Ten minutes goes by ( still in the huddle), 20 minutes go by ( still in the huddle) and after about half and hour , they break from the huddle ( ok great now there is going to be a game played!) BUT wait a second, they are leaving the field ... where's the game? who's going to play? (I just spent alot of money on those tickets - somebody better be playing a game!)
Is the church and other ministries being like this? are we so busy in our comfortable little "huddles" that we are missing the game?
Did someone not pay a pretty big price for a game to be played? Did Jesus Christ not pay the price? We were challenged to remember we are not in the "pregame" - this is it folks. We have a responsibility to the world around us: To love, to evangelize, to be be Jesus and we had better get out of huddles! We are not called to be comfortable, to make it all about us - we are to be obedient!
4. WOMEN IN LEADERSHIP
I will be honest, I still do not have many answers. HOWEVER, what I was most relieved with (thanks to Nancy Beech and her book "Gifted To Lead") is that Father did NOT make a mistake when he gave out the gift of leadership to me.
For so many years I have felt like I had to hide this gift. I thought I had to pretend I didnt know how to do something, I had to let others make the decisions and I was simply going to be the one who mailed the letters at the end of the day.
PLEASE dont get me wrong, I am not talking about taking over the Pope's role (GRIN), I am still working thru the whole headship roles and what that looks like in the home and in the church. I also am still waiting on Father to reveal to me what exactly did Paul mean ( besides women shut your mouth in church).
BUT what I am so encouraged about is.. we can and do have the ability to lead in many different areas. For each of us, our calling and journey will be different; for some it is seasons; for some it is a quiet leader; for some it is leading by example but for others- it just might be up front and centre in a variety of different situations and that is ok. But the biggest thing I am walking away with is: there was no mistake in the handing out of gifts.
If you are a woman, I encourage you to read this book by Nanay Beech, if you are a man I encourage you to read this book. There are so many uplifting, thought provoking and challenging things in this book. How do you balance being a working mother? How much pressure have you put on yourself to be the "perfect mom"? Is being "good enough" ok with you? For the men - Are you ok with taking ideas from a woman? or what if she cries? is she then labelled too emotional? Is the soft part not the part that attracts you to her?
Anyways, I have tried to leave you with the main points. That's all for now.
Til next time,
Jacqueline
I attended the simucast Willow Creek Leadership Conference with a few other people from my church. It was a really organized and well done conference with many many people in attendance. As always I had come to some of my own goals going in to the conference but that fell to the wayside the very first morning.
Father had other plans and even though I went into the conference with a head packed full of other issues, concerns and items from other "categories" of my life - I did at times have a hard time always concentratinge (yes I admit I should have turned off the blackberry- however I needed to be able to be reached by my children if they would have drowned in the pool or something!)- Father was able to speak to me and to shine more of HIS light (in more of the dark places) - despite the distractions!
But in the end it has turned out ok. I realised that I could change nothing about what was going on back home with family, friends or issues with the selling of my house. I didnt have to respond to all the emails about various issues and concerns and that was ok.
So - What did I learn? Here are a few:
1. Do we stop to see the potential of ALL people? or have we labelled some "misfits" or "they will never change"?
Father reminded me that not all of the healing done in Jesus ministry was "instantanious". There were some sick for many years and then there were some who were healed in a moment. BUT regardless, there is a plan for good for each and every person! Do we stop to think about that? and then, do we ask Father if there is a part we are to play in that person's life? or do we treat them like in the story of the good samaritan and busily walk past leaving the "dirty work" for someone else?
2. KNOTS and Mistakes OR a beautiful picture?
When people look at the tapestry of your masterpiece (that is the picture of your life's journey so far) do they see a beautiful picture? or mostly knots? Are you okay with people seeing the mistakes?
Father showed me again this week that I am SO concerned about the picture of what other people see that it is getting in the way of what it is He wants to do.
I have tried and tried to make the mistakes look "not so obvious". I have been ashamed of the pain and the tears of regrets. I have been "working" so hard on that same treadmill .. and still getting no where. But here's the thing Father showed me this week (Again!!)
a. Jesus - He came and paid the price - so that the shame is gone- why do we carry it still? its been dealt with - do we not want to be well?
b. ALL my mistakes and pains ARE part of my journey! This in turn makes my ENTIRE journey one that people can look at and observe.
Wes Stafford (From the organization Compassion) shared his story of how when he wrote his book about his passion for caring for the little ones. He was challenged and encouraged to tell the WHY. Why was he so passionate? where did the passion and determination to help come from? He shared a very painful story and it was during that story that I was touched SO deeply. Yes his story was painful, yes it brought up alot of sadness and memories for myself and MANY others in the room BUT more importantly was the encouragement that it is our painful journey that people can relate too.
It may very well be the "knots and mistakes" that we are trying to "hide' and "fix up" (or hope that noone ever finds out about) that in fact are the very things that may help reach someone else.
3. HUDDLE or "IN THE GAME"
Harvey Carey shared a GREAT illustration about paying a great price for tickets. We buy the tickets, we go to the game, we are excited and pumped for it to start and out comes the team. We watch the team go into the huddle to plan and strategize, we wait and we wait. Ten minutes goes by ( still in the huddle), 20 minutes go by ( still in the huddle) and after about half and hour , they break from the huddle ( ok great now there is going to be a game played!) BUT wait a second, they are leaving the field ... where's the game? who's going to play? (I just spent alot of money on those tickets - somebody better be playing a game!)
Is the church and other ministries being like this? are we so busy in our comfortable little "huddles" that we are missing the game?
Did someone not pay a pretty big price for a game to be played? Did Jesus Christ not pay the price? We were challenged to remember we are not in the "pregame" - this is it folks. We have a responsibility to the world around us: To love, to evangelize, to be be Jesus and we had better get out of huddles! We are not called to be comfortable, to make it all about us - we are to be obedient!
4. WOMEN IN LEADERSHIP
I will be honest, I still do not have many answers. HOWEVER, what I was most relieved with (thanks to Nancy Beech and her book "Gifted To Lead") is that Father did NOT make a mistake when he gave out the gift of leadership to me.
For so many years I have felt like I had to hide this gift. I thought I had to pretend I didnt know how to do something, I had to let others make the decisions and I was simply going to be the one who mailed the letters at the end of the day.
PLEASE dont get me wrong, I am not talking about taking over the Pope's role (GRIN), I am still working thru the whole headship roles and what that looks like in the home and in the church. I also am still waiting on Father to reveal to me what exactly did Paul mean ( besides women shut your mouth in church).
BUT what I am so encouraged about is.. we can and do have the ability to lead in many different areas. For each of us, our calling and journey will be different; for some it is seasons; for some it is a quiet leader; for some it is leading by example but for others- it just might be up front and centre in a variety of different situations and that is ok. But the biggest thing I am walking away with is: there was no mistake in the handing out of gifts.
If you are a woman, I encourage you to read this book by Nanay Beech, if you are a man I encourage you to read this book. There are so many uplifting, thought provoking and challenging things in this book. How do you balance being a working mother? How much pressure have you put on yourself to be the "perfect mom"? Is being "good enough" ok with you? For the men - Are you ok with taking ideas from a woman? or what if she cries? is she then labelled too emotional? Is the soft part not the part that attracts you to her?
Anyways, I have tried to leave you with the main points. That's all for now.
Til next time,
Jacqueline
Friday, July 31, 2009
Looking back ...
Well, I was just rereading some of my past blogs. There seems to be this constant theme ... the theme of trying to figure out HOW to life this abundant life .. HOW to get over sad feelings .. HOW to parent .. HOW to stop needing a crutch .. HOW to be well
I FINALLY got it .. are you ready? here is the answer ..... " JESUS! "
There is not a magic formula, there is not one special verse that will make everything be smooth at all times .. BUT .. .when we trust HIM , when we cease leaning on our own understanding ( and our own interpretation of the events that just happened or the words just spoken to us), when we stop trying to "fix ourselves" - when we simply LOOK to Jesus.
Today I am struggling with how many times I say things that are maybe not spoken the most elequently, or maybe my message has been misinterpreted .. or someone has falsely labelled my motives . (Can I be honest.. that bothers me SO much)...
BUT then I took a few moments and I was thinking that in this too .. I am fellowshipping in the sufferings of Jesus.
How many times was Jesus falsely accused, or someone told lies about him? or maybe his motives were falsely interpreted?
Father, help us to rest in you and not make the goal to be to "fix it" or "be better".
Help us to look to you.. to be constantly plugged in to you and to see things from your perspective in the midst of our own feelings and subjectivity.
I thank you to that it is ok to be upset and sad but I pray too that we can see it from your side and to trust that you are in control and that you will handle it.
That's all for now.. keeping looking up friends
Jacqueline
I FINALLY got it .. are you ready? here is the answer ..... " JESUS! "
There is not a magic formula, there is not one special verse that will make everything be smooth at all times .. BUT .. .when we trust HIM , when we cease leaning on our own understanding ( and our own interpretation of the events that just happened or the words just spoken to us), when we stop trying to "fix ourselves" - when we simply LOOK to Jesus.
Today I am struggling with how many times I say things that are maybe not spoken the most elequently, or maybe my message has been misinterpreted .. or someone has falsely labelled my motives . (Can I be honest.. that bothers me SO much)...
BUT then I took a few moments and I was thinking that in this too .. I am fellowshipping in the sufferings of Jesus.
How many times was Jesus falsely accused, or someone told lies about him? or maybe his motives were falsely interpreted?
Father, help us to rest in you and not make the goal to be to "fix it" or "be better".
Help us to look to you.. to be constantly plugged in to you and to see things from your perspective in the midst of our own feelings and subjectivity.
I thank you to that it is ok to be upset and sad but I pray too that we can see it from your side and to trust that you are in control and that you will handle it.
That's all for now.. keeping looking up friends
Jacqueline
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Giver or the Gifts??
So, I had a thought the other day and wrote a letter to my friends at EBC ( Bible College I am enrolled in). Thought I would share my thought as it pertains to many of us as well...
I do appreciate feedback and comments by the way!
Can you believe it.. in less then two months we will be in classes again (well those of us who are students) I trust your summers have been one of growth and maturity and also of coming ot know Jesus more and more intimately. Some of you Father has blessed you with a job, soem of you are in a paid position at a Christian camp or ministry and others Father has decided to this point He would like you to rest and let HIM be the one to provide for you and take care of you. I have started reading a book this week 'Pressures Off " by Larry Crabb.. what a good book. I have not gotten too far into it yet, but lets just say I have been challenged in my thinking and beliefs. Crabb goes on to suggest that many christians only "do the right things" because of what blessings will be ahead or given to them. ITs kind of like the OT retribution theory right? If we disobey we get crap .. and we believe if we live a god pleasing life then we have good things to come .. if we read our bibles every day and pray continually ( which please know I am in no way putting down .. asI need to thirst and feed on his word and keep getting to know my Groom!!) - however I do see that we do sometimes feel like "God owes us" ... and sometimes - some of us .. are more in love with the blessings we have in Christ Jesus then we are with the blesser and His son.
Well this is what Father has been showing me as of late. I am so glad that Father keeps shining HIS light into the dark rooms of our lives and hearts.
I am praying regularily for you all
In His hands
Jacqueline
I do appreciate feedback and comments by the way!
Can you believe it.. in less then two months we will be in classes again (well those of us who are students) I trust your summers have been one of growth and maturity and also of coming ot know Jesus more and more intimately. Some of you Father has blessed you with a job, soem of you are in a paid position at a Christian camp or ministry and others Father has decided to this point He would like you to rest and let HIM be the one to provide for you and take care of you. I have started reading a book this week 'Pressures Off " by Larry Crabb.. what a good book. I have not gotten too far into it yet, but lets just say I have been challenged in my thinking and beliefs. Crabb goes on to suggest that many christians only "do the right things" because of what blessings will be ahead or given to them. ITs kind of like the OT retribution theory right? If we disobey we get crap .. and we believe if we live a god pleasing life then we have good things to come .. if we read our bibles every day and pray continually ( which please know I am in no way putting down .. asI need to thirst and feed on his word and keep getting to know my Groom!!) - however I do see that we do sometimes feel like "God owes us" ... and sometimes - some of us .. are more in love with the blessings we have in Christ Jesus then we are with the blesser and His son.
Well this is what Father has been showing me as of late. I am so glad that Father keeps shining HIS light into the dark rooms of our lives and hearts.
I am praying regularily for you all
In His hands
Jacqueline
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
ok, first let me apologise if there is anyone who has wondered what happened to the blogging. I have no excuse except to say - I stopped for a while.
Life is busy and life is hard right now around my home .. but I have reminded as of late that it is MUCH harder when we do it on our own and we forget how very loved and valued we are.
How might we answer that person who makes a snide comment about something we have said or done - IF we remembered how loved we were by Father?
How would we handle it when things happen that hurt IF we remembered how loved we were?
Circumstances will not necessarily change BUT there is peace in knowing that FATHER is in control and EVERYTHING from HIM is love and out of love for us.
A thought I was reminded of - when Jesus was in the garden, it was AFTER he surrendered that Father gave HIM strength to endure the cross. Before he surrender he was in agony .. at the very thought of what was ahead.
Surrender my friend, let go of the reigns and then strength will come ( strength will come as we wait upon the Lord right??)
Does that mean that it feels good and that it doesnt hurt? nope. That is beside the point and I am tired of people trying to tell others whether they have a right to be sad or upset.. IT DOESNT MATTER ..you feel how you feel. Just dont let them dictate your thought life and what you do.
Ok, enough of my vent for today ..
til next time
Jacqueline
Life is busy and life is hard right now around my home .. but I have reminded as of late that it is MUCH harder when we do it on our own and we forget how very loved and valued we are.
How might we answer that person who makes a snide comment about something we have said or done - IF we remembered how loved we were by Father?
How would we handle it when things happen that hurt IF we remembered how loved we were?
Circumstances will not necessarily change BUT there is peace in knowing that FATHER is in control and EVERYTHING from HIM is love and out of love for us.
A thought I was reminded of - when Jesus was in the garden, it was AFTER he surrendered that Father gave HIM strength to endure the cross. Before he surrender he was in agony .. at the very thought of what was ahead.
Surrender my friend, let go of the reigns and then strength will come ( strength will come as we wait upon the Lord right??)
Does that mean that it feels good and that it doesnt hurt? nope. That is beside the point and I am tired of people trying to tell others whether they have a right to be sad or upset.. IT DOESNT MATTER ..you feel how you feel. Just dont let them dictate your thought life and what you do.
Ok, enough of my vent for today ..
til next time
Jacqueline
Friday, March 27, 2009
Well, another week has gone by and Father has been most relentless in his love and pursuit of me. I find that it is when I spend time alone with Him, that is when He can get through to me best. It is when I put everything else aside, and just listein.
Yeah, sometimes I dont like what He he all has to say to me, and sometimes the people he uses to talk to me dont say things that I like to hear, but I am being real and God is not condemning me about that.
Yesterday, someone sent me an email and in that email, mentioned that it is crappy and it does suck, and you know what?? Yeah it does and I can say that and not be worried about being struck down. HOWEVER, I can choose to see God in everything, and I can be assured that as a child of God He is never letting go of me, He will walk right along side me every single step of the way, and He will if I let Him, use it all for HIS good, to conform me into the image of HIS son.
I am praying right now about a few different things, and I am waiting on God to tell me HIS answer.. so in the mean time I will continue to be honest, open and real.
Life is hard sometimes, the trials that are allowed by a loving Father do hurt, and sometimes we don't want to do it any more- but there is hope and it is that that keeps me hanging on.
Til next time
Jacqueline
Yeah, sometimes I dont like what He he all has to say to me, and sometimes the people he uses to talk to me dont say things that I like to hear, but I am being real and God is not condemning me about that.
Yesterday, someone sent me an email and in that email, mentioned that it is crappy and it does suck, and you know what?? Yeah it does and I can say that and not be worried about being struck down. HOWEVER, I can choose to see God in everything, and I can be assured that as a child of God He is never letting go of me, He will walk right along side me every single step of the way, and He will if I let Him, use it all for HIS good, to conform me into the image of HIS son.
I am praying right now about a few different things, and I am waiting on God to tell me HIS answer.. so in the mean time I will continue to be honest, open and real.
Life is hard sometimes, the trials that are allowed by a loving Father do hurt, and sometimes we don't want to do it any more- but there is hope and it is that that keeps me hanging on.
Til next time
Jacqueline
Saturday, March 21, 2009
A friend of mine shared with me last week a really neat thought from the book of Acts, where the story of Stephen being stone was retold.
Stephen was stone for being a faithful follower of Jesus. He would have hurt and he would have been battling all the same feelings that we have when we are treated poorly or in a really tough situation. And yet, he saw Jesus.. and guess what? Jesus was standing when he saw Him.
What does that mean? Was Jesus standing as in making a proclamation that wasnt napping, that he was quite aware of what was going on? or was he standing to make sure Stephen knew that He was not pleased about this??
My friend said that maybe, Jesus was standing in some sort of honour of Stephen? (You know how we stand when we give a standing ovation or when the prime minister or President walks into a room and everyone stands?
Jesus stood for Stephen. Jesus is aware of the hurts and pains and He does not expect us to hide them.
Its hard when the blows keep coming, when you hardly get over one hurt and another one comes your way, but yet in the same time, there has to be a reason. I am a firm believer that nothing happens without a reason. (Now that doesnt mean I willingly accept everything and that I dont balk at it.) I am still struggling with seeing that one person has to go through so much pain in such a little time, but at least Ihave the hope that Father will use it for His good sa long as I dont get in the way.
Well, enough for today, wanted to write something before I get out of the habit of blogging.
Til next time
Stephen was stone for being a faithful follower of Jesus. He would have hurt and he would have been battling all the same feelings that we have when we are treated poorly or in a really tough situation. And yet, he saw Jesus.. and guess what? Jesus was standing when he saw Him.
What does that mean? Was Jesus standing as in making a proclamation that wasnt napping, that he was quite aware of what was going on? or was he standing to make sure Stephen knew that He was not pleased about this??
My friend said that maybe, Jesus was standing in some sort of honour of Stephen? (You know how we stand when we give a standing ovation or when the prime minister or President walks into a room and everyone stands?
Jesus stood for Stephen. Jesus is aware of the hurts and pains and He does not expect us to hide them.
Its hard when the blows keep coming, when you hardly get over one hurt and another one comes your way, but yet in the same time, there has to be a reason. I am a firm believer that nothing happens without a reason. (Now that doesnt mean I willingly accept everything and that I dont balk at it.) I am still struggling with seeing that one person has to go through so much pain in such a little time, but at least Ihave the hope that Father will use it for His good sa long as I dont get in the way.
Well, enough for today, wanted to write something before I get out of the habit of blogging.
Til next time
Friday, March 13, 2009
OKAY So My "Tantrum" Is Over!!
So tonight I am realising a couple things 1. I do not want to be like Jonah who finally surrendered, but only surrendered to God's power and not His love; and then died a bitter man on a hill under a tree 2. I do not want to be like the prodigal son who walked away from God's love.
Father loves me. It is that simple and true and totally unconditionally profound and undeserved! For the past couple of days I have pretty much been having a temper tantrum, and I have treated Father like He does not deserve to be treated. He is love and He is faithful and yes, things may not have gone in my life as I have hoped, but I do know that He will use it for good if I stop dragging my feet and getting in the way.
"Father I love you and I want to be totally abandoned to you and you alone. Thank you that you can handle me not handling it well and that you love me despite me!
Life is hard here Father and I need to know you are there.. but I thank you that I can be honest with you and I dont have to pretend!!"
Til Next time
Jacqueline
Father loves me. It is that simple and true and totally unconditionally profound and undeserved! For the past couple of days I have pretty much been having a temper tantrum, and I have treated Father like He does not deserve to be treated. He is love and He is faithful and yes, things may not have gone in my life as I have hoped, but I do know that He will use it for good if I stop dragging my feet and getting in the way.
"Father I love you and I want to be totally abandoned to you and you alone. Thank you that you can handle me not handling it well and that you love me despite me!
Life is hard here Father and I need to know you are there.. but I thank you that I can be honest with you and I dont have to pretend!!"
Til Next time
Jacqueline
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Some honest feelings and thoughts ... Will I ever have Joy come to stay?
I am going to be honest. I am sitting here trying to write a paper for Spiritual Formation class, and I can not do it. The paper is on my spiritual growth and map.
To be honest, I don't care. Today is a day when I am openly admitting I am angry. I am angry at how life has gone, angry with myself and choices I have made, angry with a few others who have hurt us and today probably for the first time - I am announcing that I am angry with God.
Before you tell me that I shouldnt be, realise that I know that being angry with God will get me no where. I feel like I am betraying Him ( in the sense that He is the only one that remains faithful, loves completely and unconditionally accepts me) BUT it is what it is.
Why is it that God said to Satan "have you consider my righteous Job?" Was it to bring things to light for Job? Was it to show Job's so called "friends" some lessons? or was it for us who are here and are facing pain? Perhaps it is for all of the above. For we need to get to the point as Job did that He knew about God before but now He KNOWS God.
I know all of that in my head and even in my heart, but right now, we are hurting. I am not liking the story and journey that God has laid our for my family and I guess I have hit a point in my journey that I am angry.
I drew a picture last night of my "relationship" with God. The instructions were to draw a picture of you and God, (preferrably on your worse day). So, the picture I drew was God holding his hammer and chisel. (God does chip away at us doesnt He? He refines us into becoming into HIS image) - however, when I got to drawing God's face, I drew Him with His eyes closed. ( so, he wasnt even looking at me and seeing the pain that I was in) and then I drew a smile on His face. ( He is smiling because He sees the end result of this "masterpiece") BUT my picture would indicate that at my deepest core of beliefs, I believe that God is enjoying the pain that my family and I are in at this time.
Know that I am aware of the lies that I am believing today, but it is where I am at.
I cant sing about giving away more, I cant say that I am willing for more hurt if that is HIS will for me, and I cant openly rejoice. I am not into celebrating anythign right now..
BUT here is the thing that I have repeated before and I know that if you read my facebook profile you have heard it before ... I am really glad that God accepts me , and can handle me not handling it well.
Til next time...
To be honest, I don't care. Today is a day when I am openly admitting I am angry. I am angry at how life has gone, angry with myself and choices I have made, angry with a few others who have hurt us and today probably for the first time - I am announcing that I am angry with God.
Before you tell me that I shouldnt be, realise that I know that being angry with God will get me no where. I feel like I am betraying Him ( in the sense that He is the only one that remains faithful, loves completely and unconditionally accepts me) BUT it is what it is.
Why is it that God said to Satan "have you consider my righteous Job?" Was it to bring things to light for Job? Was it to show Job's so called "friends" some lessons? or was it for us who are here and are facing pain? Perhaps it is for all of the above. For we need to get to the point as Job did that He knew about God before but now He KNOWS God.
I know all of that in my head and even in my heart, but right now, we are hurting. I am not liking the story and journey that God has laid our for my family and I guess I have hit a point in my journey that I am angry.
I drew a picture last night of my "relationship" with God. The instructions were to draw a picture of you and God, (preferrably on your worse day). So, the picture I drew was God holding his hammer and chisel. (God does chip away at us doesnt He? He refines us into becoming into HIS image) - however, when I got to drawing God's face, I drew Him with His eyes closed. ( so, he wasnt even looking at me and seeing the pain that I was in) and then I drew a smile on His face. ( He is smiling because He sees the end result of this "masterpiece") BUT my picture would indicate that at my deepest core of beliefs, I believe that God is enjoying the pain that my family and I are in at this time.
Know that I am aware of the lies that I am believing today, but it is where I am at.
I cant sing about giving away more, I cant say that I am willing for more hurt if that is HIS will for me, and I cant openly rejoice. I am not into celebrating anythign right now..
BUT here is the thing that I have repeated before and I know that if you read my facebook profile you have heard it before ... I am really glad that God accepts me , and can handle me not handling it well.
Til next time...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Why do We do the Things We Do?
There is a first line of a song that goes "Why do I do the Things I do?" So many times in my life I do something and then ask myself " why did I just do that? what really did it accomplish? Was that beneficial to me in any way?" I would like to say that I believe, those of us who love Jesus, really dont want to do anything contrary to His word, His wishes and even what we know wont make us "happy" in the end.. BUT YET .. we continually try to meet our own needs by going about our own way, that is living after our flesh. A friend and I were talking, and yes it might appear we want to do that certain action ( like lie, or pig out on chocolate etc etc) but how do we feel later on? We feel guilty. That is a good indicator that we dont really want to do that.
Yesterday I was having a day of "defiance". I knew that there was one solution for my attitude, my thoughts and my feelings. The horrible attitude was starting to spill over on to my behaviour... BUT would I give in? NOPE! I was determined to have a sucky day, a day where I was going to be full of anger and hatred and refuse to do the right thing, think the right thing and even feel the right thing.
Today, guess what? I feel stupid and guilty :) now, before I hear any comments on that - guilt is not a bad thing when it is true. I did not accomplish anything yesterday but making a few bad decisions, and distancing myself from Father. He is there all along and He welcomes hearing my vents,my prayers and yes HE does collect my tears.He is aware of every single one of them.
The thing that I am amazed about the most is - Father can handle me not handling it well and when push comes to shove.. my life is empty when I am not talking to Him. When I try to meet my needs my way, there is no fulfillment.
I might be feeling sad or lonely .. but if I am not talking to Father - the one who gives life and love unconditionally - then I am going to end up feeling and being sad and lonely.
Thanks Father for loving us where we are at. Thank you that you are okay with us when we are not okay with ourselves. Dont stop whatever it is you are doing in us. I dont want any less and I want to be complete in you!
Til next time
Jacqueline
Yesterday I was having a day of "defiance". I knew that there was one solution for my attitude, my thoughts and my feelings. The horrible attitude was starting to spill over on to my behaviour... BUT would I give in? NOPE! I was determined to have a sucky day, a day where I was going to be full of anger and hatred and refuse to do the right thing, think the right thing and even feel the right thing.
Today, guess what? I feel stupid and guilty :) now, before I hear any comments on that - guilt is not a bad thing when it is true. I did not accomplish anything yesterday but making a few bad decisions, and distancing myself from Father. He is there all along and He welcomes hearing my vents,my prayers and yes HE does collect my tears.He is aware of every single one of them.
The thing that I am amazed about the most is - Father can handle me not handling it well and when push comes to shove.. my life is empty when I am not talking to Him. When I try to meet my needs my way, there is no fulfillment.
I might be feeling sad or lonely .. but if I am not talking to Father - the one who gives life and love unconditionally - then I am going to end up feeling and being sad and lonely.
Thanks Father for loving us where we are at. Thank you that you are okay with us when we are not okay with ourselves. Dont stop whatever it is you are doing in us. I dont want any less and I want to be complete in you!
Til next time
Jacqueline
Monday, February 23, 2009
Stinkin' Thinkin!
Over the past couple of days, I have been working on changing my thoughts on something. I have had this thinking for as long as I could remember - that FEELINGS were something that got in the way of truth. God's word tells us to "not be anxious", to "set our minds on things above" to " rejoice without ceasing" so I believed that letting myself "FEEL" was wrong. If I felt sad - then I was therefore having that "stinkin Thinkin" and I was thinking the "Wrong way". (Oh what lies I have believing). If I admitted I was sad, or mad or frustrated or feeling overwhelmed, then I was therefore being a "weak christian" or I was not "trusting" in Jesus well enough.
A friend said to me last week " what if I hit you across the face? what would be the "correct" way to feel about that?" he had a very good point. There is no right or wrong .. feelings just are.
Why is it that we put feelings in categories? Why is it that much of the time we analize to see if we have a "right" to feel a certain way before we actually let ourselves feel? Does the widow who's husband was killed in a helicopter crash have a right to be sad for over a year? OF COURSE she does! Does a child have a right to feel angry if someone hurt them? sure why not!
It is amazing how long I have believed this lie. I am slowly working through my thoughts on all of this. So here is a confession - I am sad and I am angry right now about some of the events that have happened as of late in my family. ( Hey imagine that? I didnt get struck with a lightening rod) LOL
Emotions are neither good nor bad.. and if they could be bad, then would that not conclude then that God created something that was bad?
Hmm, I think I will close for now!
Til next time,
Jacqueline
A friend said to me last week " what if I hit you across the face? what would be the "correct" way to feel about that?" he had a very good point. There is no right or wrong .. feelings just are.
Why is it that we put feelings in categories? Why is it that much of the time we analize to see if we have a "right" to feel a certain way before we actually let ourselves feel? Does the widow who's husband was killed in a helicopter crash have a right to be sad for over a year? OF COURSE she does! Does a child have a right to feel angry if someone hurt them? sure why not!
It is amazing how long I have believed this lie. I am slowly working through my thoughts on all of this. So here is a confession - I am sad and I am angry right now about some of the events that have happened as of late in my family. ( Hey imagine that? I didnt get struck with a lightening rod) LOL
Emotions are neither good nor bad.. and if they could be bad, then would that not conclude then that God created something that was bad?
Hmm, I think I will close for now!
Til next time,
Jacqueline
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Can I share something with you? A few weeks ago I was encouraged to dwell on the book of Philippians, I read it some, but more to "obey" and say that I did. Since then, life's circumstances went in a direction I was not expecting. Today I decided I should read and do just what I was asked to do.
I am trying to put myself there with Paul. Paul is in prison, probably cold and hungry. And, what was it that Paul was doing with his time? Was he in the pit "sulking and pouting"? No, he was thinking of others and of course, setting his mind on Jesus and what Jesus was doing in the lives around him. From the prison guards, to the churches, to his friends who have encouraged and supported him - his eyes were NOT on himself.
What I appreciate is that Paul didnt pretend to be happy about everything, for he wished he could die. He was torn, He knew that to die woudl be gain for him; BUT for Jesus and for others, he was to be here still. He didnt pretend he didnt have feelings - but his perspective was good. He could rejoice because of who he was in Christ and also could rejoice because of what was being accomplished - (oh to have God's perspective on everything is the key!!!)
This past Monday night at Growing in Grace, I was reminded of a couple things things - One was the fact that we too will learn to depend on , abide in, lean on and to obey through suffering, just as Jesus did (Heb 5:8) and when we suffer.. we will fellowship in sufferings with Christ ( Phil 3:10). Who am I to think that I have "had my fill of losses" - there is still much to lose for Christ if that is what HE requires of me. SO, am I willing?
Am I going to surrender and submit to what is being done?or I am going to pout? Today, I am staying home trying to gather my thoughts, "fix" my perspective and to change my attitude about everything. The stress of everything has started to hit and I am facing reality - I do need to set my mind on things above.. to see things from God's perspective. For HE is LOVE and I may not see the whole picture, but He is GOOD and HE LOVES ME... so will I submit to what is being done? or will I continue to pretend I am ok and be strong?
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SO, that said, despite all the good Father has done - I have realised that I have spent a good part of the last 3 1/2 years trying to rebuild the damage that had been done. Trying to find confidence in myself, rebuilding my reputation, getting over my "feelings" that were taking over my life; fixing my circumstances, trying to be the best mom I could be, trying to provide for my family and trying to get my needs met thru myself - I want with my heart to only want Jesus, but I was still keeping Him at a distance. I didnt want to trust again and I wanted to be "strong enough" in myself to survive this. It would ( and still does) make me so angry that I missfriends haivng a spouse at home, or that I was wanting to be around people. I wanted so badly to be able to want nothign but Jesus. AND, I wanted to be strong .. to not break down.. to not feel .. * WOW - there is alot of me, myself and I in those last sentances.. that is where my heart has been... my focus has been on me alot of the time. And its time that changes.
When people made comments to me about "see how strong you are" part of me was thrilled that is what they saw, ( I wanted them to see Jesus.. but part of me was proud that I was doing it ok) but inside I was crying out for them to see that I was actually falling apart. I cant do this on my own. I am not strong and I still have a very selfish heart. I still have flesh that I depend on way too often, and yes I admit, I have not been very loving to everyone. This past week I have yelled at my kids way too often, i have pouted and sulked and yes, I have ran away from classes, people and my own feelings WAY too often. All in an attempt to protect me - myself.
I admit, it sometimes feels good to be angry and to not like what is happening. And, yes, part of me believes that R shoudl suffer in this too. Part of me doesnt want to see those that hurt me do well, and part of me enjoys it when things dont go well for my "enemies". But - what does this say about Jacqueline? It says that she is letting bitterness and selfishness take over her thoughts and feelings. It is saying that I am thinking of me and not submitting to Father. It says that I was/am being very selfish and self centred.
Its ok to be real, but It is important that I change my attitude on this. I am sad, its ok to be sad, but its important to stay in that position of submission and when I am in that position, he can bless me, change me, transform me and use me even more.
so, that's all.. thought I would share.
Jacqueline
I am trying to put myself there with Paul. Paul is in prison, probably cold and hungry. And, what was it that Paul was doing with his time? Was he in the pit "sulking and pouting"? No, he was thinking of others and of course, setting his mind on Jesus and what Jesus was doing in the lives around him. From the prison guards, to the churches, to his friends who have encouraged and supported him - his eyes were NOT on himself.
What I appreciate is that Paul didnt pretend to be happy about everything, for he wished he could die. He was torn, He knew that to die woudl be gain for him; BUT for Jesus and for others, he was to be here still. He didnt pretend he didnt have feelings - but his perspective was good. He could rejoice because of who he was in Christ and also could rejoice because of what was being accomplished - (oh to have God's perspective on everything is the key!!!)
This past Monday night at Growing in Grace, I was reminded of a couple things things - One was the fact that we too will learn to depend on , abide in, lean on and to obey through suffering, just as Jesus did (Heb 5:8) and when we suffer.. we will fellowship in sufferings with Christ ( Phil 3:10). Who am I to think that I have "had my fill of losses" - there is still much to lose for Christ if that is what HE requires of me. SO, am I willing?
Am I going to surrender and submit to what is being done?or I am going to pout? Today, I am staying home trying to gather my thoughts, "fix" my perspective and to change my attitude about everything. The stress of everything has started to hit and I am facing reality - I do need to set my mind on things above.. to see things from God's perspective. For HE is LOVE and I may not see the whole picture, but He is GOOD and HE LOVES ME... so will I submit to what is being done? or will I continue to pretend I am ok and be strong?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SO, that said, despite all the good Father has done - I have realised that I have spent a good part of the last 3 1/2 years trying to rebuild the damage that had been done. Trying to find confidence in myself, rebuilding my reputation, getting over my "feelings" that were taking over my life; fixing my circumstances, trying to be the best mom I could be, trying to provide for my family and trying to get my needs met thru myself - I want with my heart to only want Jesus, but I was still keeping Him at a distance. I didnt want to trust again and I wanted to be "strong enough" in myself to survive this. It would ( and still does) make me so angry that I missfriends haivng a spouse at home, or that I was wanting to be around people. I wanted so badly to be able to want nothign but Jesus. AND, I wanted to be strong .. to not break down.. to not feel .. * WOW - there is alot of me, myself and I in those last sentances.. that is where my heart has been... my focus has been on me alot of the time. And its time that changes.
When people made comments to me about "see how strong you are" part of me was thrilled that is what they saw, ( I wanted them to see Jesus.. but part of me was proud that I was doing it ok) but inside I was crying out for them to see that I was actually falling apart. I cant do this on my own. I am not strong and I still have a very selfish heart. I still have flesh that I depend on way too often, and yes I admit, I have not been very loving to everyone. This past week I have yelled at my kids way too often, i have pouted and sulked and yes, I have ran away from classes, people and my own feelings WAY too often. All in an attempt to protect me - myself.
I admit, it sometimes feels good to be angry and to not like what is happening. And, yes, part of me believes that R shoudl suffer in this too. Part of me doesnt want to see those that hurt me do well, and part of me enjoys it when things dont go well for my "enemies". But - what does this say about Jacqueline? It says that she is letting bitterness and selfishness take over her thoughts and feelings. It is saying that I am thinking of me and not submitting to Father. It says that I was/am being very selfish and self centred.
Its ok to be real, but It is important that I change my attitude on this. I am sad, its ok to be sad, but its important to stay in that position of submission and when I am in that position, he can bless me, change me, transform me and use me even more.
so, that's all.. thought I would share.
Jacqueline
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
To Know You More ...
So, I wrote a blog for class today and decided to share it on this blog since nothing I shared is about anyone else. So... here it is .. wasnt sure what to write this week, as my thoughts are all over the place. Last Friday in class, I was personally having a battle and I was in somewhat of a "fighting" mood - however I did appreciate the conversations around
Henri Nouwen's book "The Return of the Prodigal". I have read that book, and have been challenged of late to see myself in it. In our group discussion we discussed seeing things from a different perspective. Not looking at scripture the same way as we have always seen it, but to look at it differently. For example, with the story of the "Prodigal Son", how often do we read that story and look at it from the view of the older son? How about us, do we think that we have to work and work to earn the love of our Father? Do we get upset and jealous when others seem to get a "party thrown in their honour", (even though we have remained faithful this whole time?) or what about the Father? Have you ever noticed that the story found in Luke 15 actually begins with "There was a man who had two sons" that indicates to me that this story is really about the Father, but perhaps we have made it about the son?
I struggled with making prayer "demands" on Jesus to heal, and yet I understand where the discussion was going. If we like Brother Lawrence are in constant communion ( that is constant abiding) with the Father, then when we pray we will be praying according to Father's will. We will be so "in tune" that we will know when Father asks us to pray for healing and when it is time for our dear brother or sister to be done with this life and end the battle with cancer.
It was neat in our group time to hear of personal examples of how God has made real what He wanted to show us. Father uses birds, seasons and many other things to get our attention and make His truth and love known to us.
This past week has been a hard one for me personally, and to be honest the last thing I feel like doing is writing this blog.
The feeling to run away to the mountains is so intense, and yet I do know thatI don't have to run to the mountains to be with Jesus. He is right here with me, every moment, living and experiencing it all with me. It has been most assuring to know that even in the midst of our own "muck and mire" God is faithful, God is soverign and God is love. It was a good reminder to me in our group time, that God is God and we are not!
To be at the point where we can be honest with how we are feeling and yet be willing to surrender our will for Father's is what has been hitting me the most this week. Do we really know what we are saying when we say, "whatever you want Father" ? or how about when we sing "everything I have, everything I am is yours" or one more to think about, "take my life and do what you want with it". If you have had much taken away, lost or stolen, you know how hard it is to keep losing things and people you love.
Well, what if that is part of the plan for your life? What if I am to lose everything for the sake of knowing Christ? To be able to say as Paul did (Phil 3:8)."I count all things but loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ" .
Father, show us what (if anything) is in the way of knowing you.. really really knowing you. Show us how we can know you more and more and more. Remind us of your love and presense in every situation. We want to know you and we long to hear you say one day " well done my faithful Child.
Henri Nouwen's book "The Return of the Prodigal". I have read that book, and have been challenged of late to see myself in it. In our group discussion we discussed seeing things from a different perspective. Not looking at scripture the same way as we have always seen it, but to look at it differently. For example, with the story of the "Prodigal Son", how often do we read that story and look at it from the view of the older son? How about us, do we think that we have to work and work to earn the love of our Father? Do we get upset and jealous when others seem to get a "party thrown in their honour", (even though we have remained faithful this whole time?) or what about the Father? Have you ever noticed that the story found in Luke 15 actually begins with "There was a man who had two sons" that indicates to me that this story is really about the Father, but perhaps we have made it about the son?
I struggled with making prayer "demands" on Jesus to heal, and yet I understand where the discussion was going. If we like Brother Lawrence are in constant communion ( that is constant abiding) with the Father, then when we pray we will be praying according to Father's will. We will be so "in tune" that we will know when Father asks us to pray for healing and when it is time for our dear brother or sister to be done with this life and end the battle with cancer.
It was neat in our group time to hear of personal examples of how God has made real what He wanted to show us. Father uses birds, seasons and many other things to get our attention and make His truth and love known to us.
This past week has been a hard one for me personally, and to be honest the last thing I feel like doing is writing this blog.
The feeling to run away to the mountains is so intense, and yet I do know thatI don't have to run to the mountains to be with Jesus. He is right here with me, every moment, living and experiencing it all with me. It has been most assuring to know that even in the midst of our own "muck and mire" God is faithful, God is soverign and God is love. It was a good reminder to me in our group time, that God is God and we are not!
To be at the point where we can be honest with how we are feeling and yet be willing to surrender our will for Father's is what has been hitting me the most this week. Do we really know what we are saying when we say, "whatever you want Father" ? or how about when we sing "everything I have, everything I am is yours" or one more to think about, "take my life and do what you want with it". If you have had much taken away, lost or stolen, you know how hard it is to keep losing things and people you love.
Well, what if that is part of the plan for your life? What if I am to lose everything for the sake of knowing Christ? To be able to say as Paul did (Phil 3:8)."I count all things but loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ" .
Father, show us what (if anything) is in the way of knowing you.. really really knowing you. Show us how we can know you more and more and more. Remind us of your love and presense in every situation. We want to know you and we long to hear you say one day " well done my faithful Child.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Letting God Take Control ...
Even by the title of my blog, you can see how much of my identity has been wrapped up in being a Mom. God doesnt want that. He wants us to see and KNOW who we are in Him.
Yes, a role on this earth is to be mom... not a perfect one.. but to be a godly mom.
However, after events this week in our home, I have seen that I have been completely wrapped up in how people judge my parenting.
Something happened in our home, and my immediate internal responsse was embarrassement and shame. Well with Father there is NO condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. He has taken that shame away, and I can hold my head high, no matter what has happened in the life of my kids.
Yes itis normal to feel for everyone involved in tough situations. However, I am not responsible for the choices that my children make. I will love them, walk along side of them, but my "job" is not to protect them from consequences that come as a result.
Father, use this situation to bring glory to your name. Thank you that you are in control and that even in the midst of this, I know you are doing a work in me.
I want to be refined and Father dont stop until when you look at me, you see your image alone. Thank you for your love and understanding when my feelings are racing, and my thoughts are not clear. Thank you for sending friends to pray and family members to support. I pray that through this, that many will see your love and guidance and soverignty. In your most wonderful name, Amen
Yes, a role on this earth is to be mom... not a perfect one.. but to be a godly mom.
However, after events this week in our home, I have seen that I have been completely wrapped up in how people judge my parenting.
Something happened in our home, and my immediate internal responsse was embarrassement and shame. Well with Father there is NO condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. He has taken that shame away, and I can hold my head high, no matter what has happened in the life of my kids.
Yes itis normal to feel for everyone involved in tough situations. However, I am not responsible for the choices that my children make. I will love them, walk along side of them, but my "job" is not to protect them from consequences that come as a result.
Father, use this situation to bring glory to your name. Thank you that you are in control and that even in the midst of this, I know you are doing a work in me.
I want to be refined and Father dont stop until when you look at me, you see your image alone. Thank you for your love and understanding when my feelings are racing, and my thoughts are not clear. Thank you for sending friends to pray and family members to support. I pray that through this, that many will see your love and guidance and soverignty. In your most wonderful name, Amen
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Being a Mom in the Hard Times
In writing this, I would like to make it abundantly clear .. each day that my oldest gets older is a new adventure. I do not have all the answers, and the more I look at what is going on around me, I see that I really do not know anything. (to go back to settling disagreements between toddlers, to put them down for a two hour nap, to pick out their clothes .. ahhh today that would be just heavenly!)
Friends who have little ones, hold your babies tightly, do not feel guilty about rocking them to sleep, or not doing your housework because you are playing with your kids. The time goes so quickly, and for me, today is one of those days I would like to go back a few years and just hold my boys close, read that Dr Seus book one more time and encourage them to go outside and play in the dirt. The issues that come with teen boys is something that I certainly was not ready for. We had hit the stage where the tantrums had ceased, they are able to get theirselves dresses, bathed ( well when they do as adolescent boys) and are able to make their own lunches.. life had finally reached that point that everyone had told me would come .. the younger years are harder physically.. just wait ... (boy were they right!)
BUT this is the year of "Mom can I have a cell phone", "Mom I need a newer IPOD" and now we have entered, "Mom I need my SIN card so I can apply for a job" (of course this mom has no problem with her kids wanting to get jobs.. less cash I have to hand out!! :)
I love my kids, but it is a new stage and it is not easy. I woke up today, feeling stressed because of an issue with one of my boys, and I am trying so hard to see it from Father's perspective. He is in control and my job is not to have perfect kids.
I am to love them, show them Jesus, teach them (and sometimes with that comes discipline - which by the way gets harder and harder).
This will pass quickly and before I know it, my kids will be moving out and then I will be posting about how i hate it and how I would give anything to go back and have the teens home :) GRIN
Well, I should be going, gotta make sure their sister is not getting treated badly by the older brothers :)
That's all for now
Jacqueline
Friends who have little ones, hold your babies tightly, do not feel guilty about rocking them to sleep, or not doing your housework because you are playing with your kids. The time goes so quickly, and for me, today is one of those days I would like to go back a few years and just hold my boys close, read that Dr Seus book one more time and encourage them to go outside and play in the dirt. The issues that come with teen boys is something that I certainly was not ready for. We had hit the stage where the tantrums had ceased, they are able to get theirselves dresses, bathed ( well when they do as adolescent boys) and are able to make their own lunches.. life had finally reached that point that everyone had told me would come .. the younger years are harder physically.. just wait ... (boy were they right!)
BUT this is the year of "Mom can I have a cell phone", "Mom I need a newer IPOD" and now we have entered, "Mom I need my SIN card so I can apply for a job" (of course this mom has no problem with her kids wanting to get jobs.. less cash I have to hand out!! :)
I love my kids, but it is a new stage and it is not easy. I woke up today, feeling stressed because of an issue with one of my boys, and I am trying so hard to see it from Father's perspective. He is in control and my job is not to have perfect kids.
I am to love them, show them Jesus, teach them (and sometimes with that comes discipline - which by the way gets harder and harder).
This will pass quickly and before I know it, my kids will be moving out and then I will be posting about how i hate it and how I would give anything to go back and have the teens home :) GRIN
Well, I should be going, gotta make sure their sister is not getting treated badly by the older brothers :)
That's all for now
Jacqueline
Sunday, January 18, 2009
A New Semester ...
WOW I can hardly believe that a whole semester has come and gone and I have not even posted any sort of update.
It was an amazing semester. I learned alot about being back in school and Father continued His faithfulness in my life. He provided for me to attend school, and He has blessed me with some really neat people who are not part of my life.
The classes all went well, and I was pleased for the most part with my grades. School is much harder when you are juggling family, work and moving.. however I wouldnt trade it for anything. I have thoroughly enjoyed it.. even the parts that didnt "feel" so good.
I look forward to another semester of worship and hearing from Father.
I will write something again soon
For now
Jacqueline
It was an amazing semester. I learned alot about being back in school and Father continued His faithfulness in my life. He provided for me to attend school, and He has blessed me with some really neat people who are not part of my life.
The classes all went well, and I was pleased for the most part with my grades. School is much harder when you are juggling family, work and moving.. however I wouldnt trade it for anything. I have thoroughly enjoyed it.. even the parts that didnt "feel" so good.
I look forward to another semester of worship and hearing from Father.
I will write something again soon
For now
Jacqueline
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