Some honest feelings and thoughts ... Will I ever have Joy come to stay?

I am going to be honest. I am sitting here trying to write a paper for Spiritual Formation class, and I can not do it. The paper is on my spiritual growth and map.
To be honest, I don't care. Today is a day when I am openly admitting I am angry. I am angry at how life has gone, angry with myself and choices I have made, angry with a few others who have hurt us and today probably for the first time - I am announcing that I am angry with God.

Before you tell me that I shouldnt be, realise that I know that being angry with God will get me no where. I feel like I am betraying Him ( in the sense that He is the only one that remains faithful, loves completely and unconditionally accepts me) BUT it is what it is.

Why is it that God said to Satan "have you consider my righteous Job?" Was it to bring things to light for Job? Was it to show Job's so called "friends" some lessons? or was it for us who are here and are facing pain? Perhaps it is for all of the above. For we need to get to the point as Job did that He knew about God before but now He KNOWS God.

I know all of that in my head and even in my heart, but right now, we are hurting. I am not liking the story and journey that God has laid our for my family and I guess I have hit a point in my journey that I am angry.

I drew a picture last night of my "relationship" with God. The instructions were to draw a picture of you and God, (preferrably on your worse day). So, the picture I drew was God holding his hammer and chisel. (God does chip away at us doesnt He? He refines us into becoming into HIS image) - however, when I got to drawing God's face, I drew Him with His eyes closed. ( so, he wasnt even looking at me and seeing the pain that I was in) and then I drew a smile on His face. ( He is smiling because He sees the end result of this "masterpiece") BUT my picture would indicate that at my deepest core of beliefs, I believe that God is enjoying the pain that my family and I are in at this time.

Know that I am aware of the lies that I am believing today, but it is where I am at.
I cant sing about giving away more, I cant say that I am willing for more hurt if that is HIS will for me, and I cant openly rejoice. I am not into celebrating anythign right now..
BUT here is the thing that I have repeated before and I know that if you read my facebook profile you have heard it before ... I am really glad that God accepts me , and can handle me not handling it well.

Til next time...