Can I share something with you? A few weeks ago I was encouraged to dwell on the book of Philippians, I read it some, but more to "obey" and say that I did. Since then, life's circumstances went in a direction I was not expecting. Today I decided I should read and do just what I was asked to do.

I am trying to put myself there with Paul. Paul is in prison, probably cold and hungry. And, what was it that Paul was doing with his time? Was he in the pit "sulking and pouting"? No, he was thinking of others and of course, setting his mind on Jesus and what Jesus was doing in the lives around him. From the prison guards, to the churches, to his friends who have encouraged and supported him - his eyes were NOT on himself.

What I appreciate is that Paul didnt pretend to be happy about everything, for he wished he could die. He was torn, He knew that to die woudl be gain for him; BUT for Jesus and for others, he was to be here still. He didnt pretend he didnt have feelings - but his perspective was good. He could rejoice because of who he was in Christ and also could rejoice because of what was being accomplished - (oh to have God's perspective on everything is the key!!!)

This past Monday night at Growing in Grace, I was reminded of a couple things things - One was the fact that we too will learn to depend on , abide in, lean on and to obey through suffering, just as Jesus did (Heb 5:8) and when we suffer.. we will fellowship in sufferings with Christ ( Phil 3:10). Who am I to think that I have "had my fill of losses" - there is still much to lose for Christ if that is what HE requires of me. SO, am I willing?

Am I going to surrender and submit to what is being done?or I am going to pout? Today, I am staying home trying to gather my thoughts, "fix" my perspective and to change my attitude about everything. The stress of everything has started to hit and I am facing reality - I do need to set my mind on things above.. to see things from God's perspective. For HE is LOVE and I may not see the whole picture, but He is GOOD and HE LOVES ME... so will I submit to what is being done? or will I continue to pretend I am ok and be strong?
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SO, that said, despite all the good Father has done - I have realised that I have spent a good part of the last 3 1/2 years trying to rebuild the damage that had been done. Trying to find confidence in myself, rebuilding my reputation, getting over my "feelings" that were taking over my life; fixing my circumstances, trying to be the best mom I could be, trying to provide for my family and trying to get my needs met thru myself - I want with my heart to only want Jesus, but I was still keeping Him at a distance. I didnt want to trust again and I wanted to be "strong enough" in myself to survive this. It would ( and still does) make me so angry that I missfriends haivng a spouse at home, or that I was wanting to be around people. I wanted so badly to be able to want nothign but Jesus. AND, I wanted to be strong .. to not break down.. to not feel .. * WOW - there is alot of me, myself and I in those last sentances.. that is where my heart has been... my focus has been on me alot of the time. And its time that changes.

When people made comments to me about "see how strong you are" part of me was thrilled that is what they saw, ( I wanted them to see Jesus.. but part of me was proud that I was doing it ok) but inside I was crying out for them to see that I was actually falling apart. I cant do this on my own. I am not strong and I still have a very selfish heart. I still have flesh that I depend on way too often, and yes I admit, I have not been very loving to everyone. This past week I have yelled at my kids way too often, i have pouted and sulked and yes, I have ran away from classes, people and my own feelings WAY too often. All in an attempt to protect me - myself.

I admit, it sometimes feels good to be angry and to not like what is happening. And, yes, part of me believes that R shoudl suffer in this too. Part of me doesnt want to see those that hurt me do well, and part of me enjoys it when things dont go well for my "enemies". But - what does this say about Jacqueline? It says that she is letting bitterness and selfishness take over her thoughts and feelings. It is saying that I am thinking of me and not submitting to Father. It says that I was/am being very selfish and self centred.

Its ok to be real, but It is important that I change my attitude on this. I am sad, its ok to be sad, but its important to stay in that position of submission and when I am in that position, he can bless me, change me, transform me and use me even more.

so, that's all.. thought I would share.

Jacqueline