This I know ..

These are my thoughts. They are not all mine, some are from meeting with others who are struggling ... and yes, some are mine.

This I know - God is going no where
This I wonder - what makes Him stay when we repeatedly fail Him?

This I know - God doesnt care if I ask Him questions or have doubts
This I wonder - Why do other Christians judge when we are honest?

This I know - When Jesus comes to stay He is there forever!
This I wonder - Why if we have Jesus do we strive for more? Why is He not enough?

This I know - all kinds of people I respect say that Jesus is their everything and that they dont need to be married. This I also know - those same people are married - would they say the same if they were married once and now divorced or widowed? How come they tried so hard to find a spouse if Jesus was enough?

This I know -  sometimes the nonchristians in my life are more understanding and accepting
The most hurt I have suffered has been from people who claim to love and accept people unconditionally. BUT - This I also know - I also judge and hold christians to a higher standard; I am no better.

This I know - church should be a safe place to be yourself - warts and all. To not be scared that if they REALLY knew me .. they might not love me or want me around.

This I also know - many of my friends have been most hurt by christians who said they would walk with them through their struggle; but then judged and stopped being their friend.

This I wonder - why is it easier for Christians to love those in the  "world" than fellow Christians who are not living like they "should"? Why do Christians look at their neighbours as a project to save - instead of just loving them as people?

This I know - I am a work in progress.
This I also know - I get tired of trying to be and look like others think I should be.

I also know that I am done trying to fit into anyone else's mold for me. I still struggle, I still doubt. I still have pride, I still fail, I still have emotional melt downs, I am not the perfect friend, employee, mother, daughter, counsellor, church attendee and I am tired of thinking I have to be.
I know I need to figure out who I am and just rest and be me.

This I know - God loves the girl on the corner; the druggie at the bus stop, the man or woman in jail JUST AS MUCH as He loves you, me. pastor, teacher  or wife, husband, missionary ...

I also am coming to know that even though I dont understand some of Hebrews - I am pretty sure my God does NOT give warnings to His children that if we dont do this and this ... then look out.
It just doesnt fit.  Otherwise, we would NEVER be able to enter His rest. AND then we are all in trouble -  well at least I will admit I am in that case.

I also know that I am NOT at peace. There I said it.
I am not pleased with how Jacqueline lives every day. Sure somedays my behaviour is more "Acceptable" to myself; but other days I am angry at the choices I make, words I say, actions I do out of feelings .. people I have either hurt, offended or let down.

LOOK at what God has done for us? Instead of being thankful as I should be and ought to be .. I am frustrated that I only see it as more reason to never fail Him, or desire human friendship. And... therefore I am failing Him by not living in a constant state of hope or thankfulness and contentness.

I am done singing songs that I cant truly honestly say.
I cant say He is everything everything .
I can say HE should be and deserves to be
I can sing songs about Jesus Messiah .. but I am done singing songs that say things contrary to how I live.
I want it .. oh I want it. And I want it to be true. I get frustrated with myself for not letting Jesus be EVERYTHING

Is it a holy unrest? maybe. As I have prayed loudly "break my heart for what breaks yours|"; "Open our eyes to the things that make HIS heart cry .."

Is it a place of surrender - as in I give up? maybe. or, maybe its more defeat than surrender.

Is it .. show me your love and help me to love more ? Maybe.

Is it a good spot to be in and wrestle through? yes I believe so for the most part.
Someone I Trust said that last week to me.. so I am going to go with that. (Of course Satan has been whispering pretty loudly that all of this doubt and admission disqualifies me and that I should step back, shut my mouth and not even pray until I "get it together and walk in constant peace and truth")

This I know -  I am not the only Christian person to struggle with this.
and sadly this I also know - some will judge this post. Even if its to say I shouldnt have posted it.

However I also know - there are others who are honest who will also say "what you too?" So glad you are honest it helps me to be.

Thats all for today

Jacqueline