My Story Part 1

Hello Friends, Wow it has been 7 months since I have last posted and much has happened. I have learned some very valuable lessons and because one of my lessons have been about becoming even more transparent and authentic  - today I will share my story with you.
 
I was recently asked to speak at a woman's breakfast and in preparation of that talk, Father was once again faithful to use even the dark times to manifest His great love and faithfulness. Below is part of my story; don't hesitate to email and ask anything on your heart when you are done reading. The email I suggest you use is jacquelinewilliams@rogers.com. I don't share to be disrespectful to anyone, but rather to show how God has been pursuing me my entire life. I will share over a couple different posts, but then I will update you as to where I am now.  I do not write with eloquence, but I promise to be honest; and I pray you hear my heart as you read .. Here goes ...

    Growing up, I was like most little girls, I dreamt of the fairy tale life. … the happily ever after ending. Like most women, I still like the 'happy ever after' endings; I loved the princess movies, the idea of being chased by a prince and riding off into the sunset. Look at the movies we watch? The stories we read? This is normal .. its okay; its part of who we are as women.
     I often ask the women I speak to "How many of you have watched the movie Titanic"? (raise your hand) OK put them down; now raise your hand if you have watched it more than once? I am pretty sure that no woman watches a movie like that because they enjoy watching a ship breaking into two pieces and watching people die. Most of us like a good love story.

Most of my life I spent waiting for that happy ending. There were some days growing up I didn’t know if I would survive; there were many days I wanted to die. But, I did survive; and I  now believe that I survived because I  clung to the hope of being rescued. "Someday my prince will come" – seemed to be my main thought.

     As a child I was told from a very young that I was not planned (interpreted by me - I was a mistake). I also know that at time in the lives of my parents, the way out of this unplanned pressure would be to have an abortion. Thankfully not both parents agreed to this. But, from early on I carried the heavy brick of being a mistake and unwanted. This became the great
desire to be accepted and loved.

     When I was growing up, I suffered abuse from many different people; the details are not important, and I don’t share these details with you for a pity party; but rather to offer some hope. For there is nothing done to you; or by you that makes you unlovable by God. I believe He weeps over choices we make and hurts done to us; especially as children.

     It doesn't matter where you have come from .. there is a God who loves you and desires you to know Him and His heart for you. He has been pursuing you from the moment you were born.

     There were many dark days growing up and in those days I learned many harmful ways to cope (food, social and emotional issues just to name a few); but these coping methods somehow managed to help me function through the hurt. It was all I knew at the time. I was very easily pushed around and now as I counsellor I know that growing up in this kind of atmosphere; with the kind of beliefs I held about myself and others; made me an easy target for sexual predators. I was an easy prey.

     I believed I didn't have a safe person to go to; so when outsiders and people of authority abused me; I didn't go to anyone; I kept it inside - slowly dying - and the harmful coping methods I had developed continued to grow worse.  There were a lot of lies that I was believing ; and from believing those lies .. I acted according to those false beliefs and to what my feelings dictated.. not truth.

      I have written before about the danger that comes from letting our feelings dictate our beliefs and actions. God's word does not say "take every emotion captive"; nor does it say "set your mind on behaviours and feelings below". But rather, we are to set our minds on things above; and take every thought captive. For what we believe dictates what we do. Someone once said, "instead of letting our feelings be the engine that drives the train, put them in the back and they can be last to fall in line".

      We have all reacted according to our feelings instead of truth; and, many of us have had people react on us according to their feelings or their false beliefs about us - it doesn't feel great does it? I am so thankful that Father loves us and knows our inward thoughts and NEVER grows weary and NEVER lacks in understanding.

      I have dealt with a lot of happened to me as a child; and since then have come to know that every single person is wanted. God does not make mistakes. He tells us in  Psalm 139 – in in the womb; we were skillfully and wonderfully made … (that means no one is a mistake!) Now, do I always act in the truth? No, there are days when my past comes Back and the lies creep in; it takes alot of effort to set my mind on truth; it is something that we must do. No one can do that for us.

      I believe I became a Christian when I was a little girl at Conestoga Bible Camp, for two weeks every summer, I felt loved, safe  and accepted during a time when I never felt accepted anywhere.  I loved being at camp; people were loving and "happy" there.  I wanted to be like they were … I wanted so badly to be happy.
      As an adult I have learned there is a big difference between being happy and being joyful. Happiness as the common phrase says "is based on happenings". I do believe Christians can have joy, experience peace in the middle of very painful situations. BUT, let me be clear, I am never again minimizing people's feelings or where they are at.
      I believe we who are leaders, counsellors and people in ministry can do alot of damage when we minimize where people are at. Someone not long ago said something to me that was a very "trite" thing to say. It was a good reminder to me of how I may have at one point in time said the exact same thing.
       To all my Pastor and Counsellor friends; be mindful of what you say. When you are walking along side hurting people; if you do not know their complete story and you have not had some specialized training; you can cause alot of hurt. People do not need your judgment; they need someone to love them and walk along side them. (I am NOT saying that loving someone means always agreeing or patting them on the back and saying "there there").    
    Truly loving someone, may mean asking the tough questions and saying things that may not be well received. I just caution that you do it in love for the purpose of building up, edifying and helping with their growth and healing. Set your own judgements, predispositions, opinions, feelings and pride aside.