For a little girl growing up I never gave much thought to God or Jesus except for when I went to camp or visited church with my grandma and aunts. When my family lived on Author St in Elmira – we lived across the road from a loving Christian family. They didn't know it then, but they played a big part in creating the desire in me of what kind of home I wanted to have when I grew up. As an adult I now know I was seeing Jesus in human form. A trend was starting to happen even in my dark days .. I was attracted to Jesus.
In public school I remember being attracted to a particular "kind" of people; I now know it was those "Christians" :) There was something about these people that made me feel wanted and safe. Again, God was pursuing me, and showing me what I was missing in life.
When I turned 10 yrs old there was a turning point in the life of my family, and for myself. Family issues had escalated and abuse by one babysitter was happening frequently. One night as I was doing dishes I remember grabbing a knife and trying to decide to I kill myself or do I stab those that were hurting me. I was in a very dark place and I believe now looking back on it.. there was a battle going on for my life.
Later
that year, my parents divorced, and my Dad and my brother began attending Wallenstein Bible Chapel. It was there that I began to understand
abit more about what being a Christian was all about. Even here though, I fought daily to think on truth. I didn’t feel like I fit
in with the other kids there, they all knew the proper things to say and do; and I
was a child from a divorced family. Back then, that in itself made me stand out.
But I
know we were welcome but I still had this strong desire to be wanted, needed and accepted. I began a new bad habit - and that was to try
really hard to be good, to please
people, to avoid conflict, to never complain, and that didn’t just go for
people .. it began a life long journey of trying to earn my acceptance with
God.
At
13yrs old I was sitting in an evening service (passing notes in the youth
section) and John Ruppert was speaking. I don’t remember everything he had to
say, but I do remember him saying – “there are some of you sitting here who
think you are OK; but you have never really given your life to the Lord; there
will come a day when God will say He never knew you”…. That night I made sure I
was going to go to heaven when I died. John played a very integral part of my
spiritual journey.
Again
as I look back I see how even though I was so hurt and damaged on the inside, Father
(my God) was loving me and pursuing me. I will always be thankful for the
people of God that came and loved on me in so many ways.
Well,
I met my husband when I was 14yrs old, and at 15 we were “official” - we actually sat together at church every
Sunday and even once in a while held hands underneath the hymn book J At last my fairy tale ending was going to come true
. right?
After
several years of marriage, doing life and ministry together - that fairy tale didn’t end happily ever
after, but it did end. It ended in a way that was shocking and devastating to
me and my children. The details of that are not important, and out of respect
for other parties involved I wont share more; but It took us several years to
try and “get over it”. Even up until last year I believed I cried the entire
Father’s Day service at church.
But
even in those dark days; God was taking care of me every step of the way.
Showing me His heart for me and trying to get through to me that I didn’t have to
keep trying so hard to please Him. I WAS pleasing to Him. For all my life I believed I had failed. And not just failed; but I believed I WAS a failure. I failed to protect myself from abuse, I failed to be a good daughter, I failed as a friend and now I failed at marriage as well.
In
those early days as I was alone in the house and found myself a single parent,
I remember two different occasions very specifically as I cried out – God answered
very clearly and in ways the kids and I will never forget. They were asking me
what we were going to do and all I could say was I didn’t know but that I was
sure that God would be taking care of us.. I no sooner said the words and the door bell rang, and when we went
upstairs; someone was at the top of the stairs with boxes of groceries and
little gifts for the kids.Another time I was worried about how I would be able to teach my boys the things only a man could… God directed me to Isaiah 54 - this chapter speaks of no longer remembering the shame of your past and the assurance that godly men will teach my children.
God
showed me His love by sending so many people to love on me; to help me with decisions, to even help me
wash sheets, providing meals; cleaning out my garage, finished bricking our steps and driveway; and a youth team came and
raked the lawn. The body and family of God came around me, loved me, provided for me. One sweet lady even sent milk and
cookies over for the kids.
I still
didn’t really know it, but the real King was pursuing HIS princess and He loved me
more than anything. I was so sad on the
inside and was constantly struggling to be “good enough”. I was carrying around
all these lies I believed, even though on the outside I was appearing “put
together”: I believed that I was a mistake and should not have been born, I believed
I was only good for one thing; I was to blame for the abuse I endured, I believed
I was stupid for not telling an adult the first time it happened; I failed as a
daughter and now I failed at being a wife. It was a prison that took a long
time to be free of. In fact even now whenever I fail or make a mistake at
something .. I have to choose to believe I am OK or Satan tries to take me down
a path of believing the lies.
God has used my pain for good. An author I have come to appreciate is
Lysa Terkeurst. You may have read one of her many books and she also writes for
Proverbs 31 Ministries. She has a quote in one of her books that I have lately
come to appreciate, and I have shared with many of the women I have met with.
Lysa says
When I process things through the tangled places of my heart, often the outcome is, “If God loves me so much, why would He allow this happen?”
Instead, when I process things through the filter of the absolute assurance of God’s love the outcome is, “God loves me so much therefore I have to trust why He is allowing this to happen.”
Shortly after I began participating in some personal discipleship counselling
at a local ministry, I attended Friday morning ladies group here where I was
advertising an upcoming conference that was going to be held, and I asked If
anyone here believed they were a princess . A few months later while I was stuffing mailboxes at church, a woman who
had been there that Friday morning came up to me and said “remember when you told
us we are princesses? She continued by saying, she had never forgotten that and no matter what and no
matter how she felt; she knew she WAS HIS PRINCESS.
This dear woman had her life tragically taken from her.I was not
aware at that time of the hurts that she was carrying, but I was so thrilled that she
had come to see how much she was loved and a princess – she came to know she
was God’s girl!
Through
that event and several others, AGAIN God was showing me He had a purpose
for me and my story – even my hurts. I
didn’t get it all then, but He was trying to show me HE made me good enough;
and I needed to stop striving to be more acceptable. The righteous godly, perfect
Jesus Christ resided in me AND He couldn’t reside in me if I wasn’t acceptable.
I was a new creation whether I felt it or not. My Pastor reminded me not long
ago of the verses in 2 Corinthians - we ARE the sweet aroma of Christ .. whether we feel it or believe it or always act like it or not - WE ARE the sweet aroma. This began the search to figure out and study more about women and their search for acceptance ...
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