This post is just to remind me once again on how faithful God is to me. It is really a journal entry for myself. For the last two months I have I had no rental money from my rooms upstairs; and I was beginning to worry.

I am not sure why I do, as the more correct thing to do would be to pray "Father I know you are going to provide as i followed your leading to giving that room to that girl; I am choosing to trust you even though I feel nervous about finances". ..  or something like that.

Not only that but I am also working hard on my health and have started a diet. My blood sugars have been off (not diabetic but to me too close) and I weigh  xxx lbs.. I am not proud of this; but I didnt know how to lose it on my own. I havent gained any in a long time but I have not lost as much as I was hoping to in the last 6 months.
So, upon leading of one of my financial ministry supporters, I have joined a diet and in 5 days I have lost 7lbs . Of course in the back of my head I am nervous that I will lose and then gain it all back; but I am determined to be healthy and I KNOW once I get under xxxlbs - I will never get here again. BUT IT IS A VERY COSTLY diet .. and money is not something I have lots of. So it was a step of faith.

Yesterday I received a cheque in mail and I am so thrilled. It is a partial amount for back pay for a disability child tax benefit for Melanie for all of last year. It has covered the diet cost for ten weeks AND the two months rental for that room. Thank you God; and thank you also that the weight is coming off well so far. I am actually not even too hungry.
...
There was once a time that I thought that if I had a good relationship with God I wouldnt need to diet and I would isntantly begin losing weight; so glad I have been freed from yet another lie that was exposed I believed.

Well thats all for now
Jacqueline

Gift of Good-Bye

 I can hardly believe it has been 6 months since I have last blogged. I will catch up, but today I would like to share something that a dear young woman shared today as our class came to an end. It was both an encouragement and a challenge to me; but for the most part I agree completely and felt it worth sharing.
                                         
                                       The Gift of Good-Bye by JD Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.  Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to . . . . . . . .LET IT GO!!! 
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains . . . . . . . . .LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth . .LET IT GO!!! 
If someone has angered you . . . LET IT GO!!! 
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge . . . . . .  LET IT GO!!! 
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction . . . . . . . .  LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!! 
If you have a bad attitude . . . . . . . .   LET IT GO!!! 
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better . . . . . . . .  LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him . . . . . . . .  LET IT GO!!! 
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship . . . . . LET IT GO!!! 
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves . . . . . . . .  LET IT GO!!! 
If you're feeling depressed and stressed . . . . . . . .  LET IT GO!!!  
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to . . . . . . . . LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing. 
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left. think about it, and then . . . . . . . .  LET IT GO!!!  

Thats all for now,
Jacqueline


 

My Dad's Example ...

Yesterday I received a text from my Dad asking when we could meet as he had some news to share with me. We arranged to meet for lunch in St Jacobs and after we sat down and ordered he told me his news.

He had been to the doctor and the report was not good, the test results said that cancer was present. He had gone through this battle a couple years ago, so while I was somewhat shocked I guess I wasnt as surprised as I had been a couple years ago. MY mind began to race with questions "is it treatable?" "who will support him?|" and "is my Dad going to die this year?"
We dont know at this point the stage or how serious, but the C word is never good news.

What touched my heart was that as much as he wanted to tell me his news; he was way more concerned about the lady who worked in the Doctors office. She had shared with my dad her fear of dying and life "after".

In  the midst of my Dad receiving tough news, his heart was more concerned about connecting this lady to a church and to other Christians. He found out she lived near me and asked if he could please give her my contact information. At the same time, he asked the time of our church service at LifeSpring Christian Fellowship.

Dad, I am proud of you. You have had a tough life, but yet you showed genuine care and concern for another's well being in the midst of your own trial. Thanks for being an example!

I love you .. Happy Father's Day Landis Freeman!

Til Next Time

Jacqueline

The smell of pride makes me sick!

'Okay, so today's post wont be eloquent with words; or even uplifting necessarily. It is somewhat of a vent but I think worthy of writing about and sharing.

Yesterday I had a date. The second one since my husband left in 2005. As I sat there talking to this man in a crowded Tim Horton's I see how much I have changed. (Hey I went on a date .. yay for me!)

It was a good reminder that, I am not deperate for a man. I don't need a man.. if God chose to bless me with one - great. But I do not need one. It was a freeing sort of feeling; and one where we could just talk and I could be praying and seeking God. I can afford to be picky at this point in my life. I would never demand perfection.. are you kidding me, I am a work in progress so he can be as well!

I listened as we shared stories, likes and dislikes, but I also was turned off  by what may have been confidence, but I felt it came across as pride. I dont need to hear about all the many great things YOU have done for God.

But the big thing I took away from it was that we all have a story. Mine is no worse or better than anyone else's.

What I walked away thinking on was how we as christians judge others. Yes, before you yell at me by email - I know nonchristians judge as well; but dont we as Christians sometimes forget all that wehave been forgiven and saved from?

When we judge others, or think we have it together and they don't; or even - that we have received something that someone else hasn't - we are really elevating ourselves up instead of being thankful and humble. Its one thing to share what God has done in your life; to speak truth into a situation - but its another to feel in your heart "you have arrived".

Ok, so maybe someone might understand Greek better; or someone might have a grasp on healthy eating; or perhaps you are freed from legalistic churches; or perhaps your silent anger and pride comes across better than someone else's tears .. who cares!!! In fact, pride stinks and in fact I am a pretty tolerant person.. but I can hardly stand pride or people who cant be taught.

Seriously, what makes someone else's crap and stuff .. (call it what you want) look or smell any better than anyone else's?  I write this because I have judged as well ... Today, I am simply tired of the wretched smell around me . Next time you get a big smell of a barn or a farmer's field spreading manure - I hope you do a check .. do I stink? Am I being prideful?

Reminded yesterday at church:  You who are without sin cast the first stone ...

That's all for now ....

Jacqueline

POWER IS BACK

We have a hope within us .. how many times have we heard that said to us? Perhaps by a friend, perhaps in a sermon somewhere. And, how many times do we let the words roll off of us? Last night our LifeGroup got together to begin going through 1Peter. Our Pastor was so pumped about this, and today I feel like we missed the point. And, I am as much at fault as anyone.

I was more concerned about how the message was being delivered than the point, the passion and the power (well look at that, my first official sermon - three points starting with a 'P')

This past weekend, several people that I know lost their hydro. They had no power and for a few days had to do things differently to survive. The moment their power came on - Facebook and Twitter were filled with postings and messages announcing their excitement to have their power back on.

We as Christians have a power within us - the reminders are all through the new testament. Why don't we get as excited about this power - as we do when our hydro power comes back on?

I am just as much to blame, and I apologize for not getting it last night in our discussion. I sadly missed the point; and today, God has made it so much clearer to me. Not only in 1Peter; but also in ..

Romans chapter 8 - where we have a chapter of 39 verses. In those verses we have over 30 promises that are ours; because of the Power of Christ, the spirit that lives in us.

In Ephesians we are promised and reminded of the spiritual blessings that are ours NOW .. not for the future, but NOW.

The Bible is full of promises of hope that is ours now. This power that is in us .. MY POWER is on and never goes out!!

Father, everytime the hydro goes off or flickers; bring to mind the power you have given us.. the hope that we have for today - everything that comes our way. Forgive us for becoming dull to this amazing truth and promise.


Thats all for now ..

Jacqueline

Who Fills Your Cup?

Rereading some of what I posted reminded me that I never did share one of the biggest lessons that Father has shown me.

We were never meant to have our "cup" filled by others. He alone made us that we would find our complete fulfillment in Him.

Its no wonder as a hurting girl, then grown into a young woman looking to be happy; that a marriage didn't last is it? Man was never meant to fill us, to complete us. It really bothers me when I hear vows that say "you complete me". CHRIST completes us.

We become one with our spouse when we marry, but if we believe that we need a spouse to be complete, then what are we saying about those who are not married? That they are incomplete?

What about the young mom of many babies? I have known many women go into a deep grieving and state of depression over being done having babies. This concerns me, as do they really feel that is all they are here for? or meant to be?

The same is true for men who lose their jobs. I have often watched them slowly go into themselves; as they no longer have anything to do; they feel they are no longer of use or value.

I love marriage, I love the idea of doing life together with someone; with a life partner .. that's what marriage should be. I do worry when people are only okay if they are happily married. Marriage is great, and marriage is hard work - but marriage was never meant to replace God. He alone gives life and worth. Marriage is team work - each giving their part - through God's strength and ability. Marriage is not supposed to be looking to each other for life and acceptance.

When this happens, it is two people sucking life out of each other and looking to each other to determine if they are okay or not. This happens in workplaces and in friendships as well. Trouble came for me when I looked to others and their opinions to determine my worth.

My cup is meant to be filled - but not with the approval of people.
 
Do we need people? Yes, I believe we do. To say we don't need anyone - is to kind of say we have it all together. Christ gives us the body of Christ - our family to fill some needs, to show human kindnesses and love; and to speak into our lives. To say we don't need people is (in my opinion) a cocky way of saying "I have it all together and I know everything".

We as humans are the representation of Christ here on earth. I am thankful for all my family and friends; but I am finally to a point that I do not need them to be complete.

Question for today to leave you with is: What or Who are you looking to for your worth? 


Til Next Time,

Jacqueline

My Story Part 3

It wasn’t long after I talked with Valerie that I started observing other women. I watched to see who appeared happy; I looked for signs to see if they had something I didn’t  and what I saw was that many women struggle with the same beliefs and lies that I did. Many women were only happy if their kids or husbands treated them well. That was when the desire to research, study. pray about women and their desires began to formulate in my mind. I knew I wasn’t the only one and I began to pray to God to show me more of the truth and how to help other women who were believing the same lies as myself. I want to be very clear that I have not arrived. I still struggle daily with remembering truth; and not letting my feelings dictate the choices I make. I continue to walk this journey the same as you. I am simply a messenger who has been asked by God to be transparent and honest.  

Have you ever read a choose your own adventure book?” The books where you get to choose what ending of the book you would like? For me, when life felt so tough I got to a point that I was bitter and angry with God. I wanted a different ending to my life. I was still looking for that fairy tale. Even though I knew the truth in my head; I often continued to feel empty inside.
I finally got to the point of begging God to show me how to love me. I believed then that I had no problem loving others; but I didn’t know how to love me.(Now I know I didn't really know how to love others either). I was carrying around a lot of distorted beliefs that were causing a lot of tough emotional reactions. God finally showed me in a really special way that until I love myself and truly accept me for me and believe who I am in Christ wholeheartedly -. I will not be able to love others unconditionally. Matthew tells us to love each other as we love ourselves. If I only love myself to this certain degree (because I haven’t experienced more than that) then, I am unable to love anyone else any more than that. I only have that much to give.

I am now at the point in my story where I have two ways I could go. I could take the safe way with no risk and tell you the good things I have come to see or, I can share what has happened in the not so distant past. I am going to be obedient, because I believe there is someone who needs to hear this part of my story. I have decided that if sharing this part of my story helps one person, then it is worth the risk of what anyone else may think of me.

Not very long ago I took a trip. The trip lasted almost a month, and it was life changing and one I will probably never forget. This trip I believe was completely orchestrated by God.  I saw many broken people, but mostly I was forced to face and deal with the lies I was still believing, I was reminded of my weaknesses; and I got a very clear look at how very ugly and big my own pride was.

My trip was to the mental health unit at Grandriver Hospital as a patient. I woke one morning not able to do anything but cry. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I was soon diagnosed with Clinical Depression. We don’t know if it was triggered by some of the recent losses; burnout or had I been dealing with this illness for most of my life and I was just now at a point I could no longer manage on my own. I suppose it doesn’t matter - I was on a trip and God was going to get a hold of me once again.

I am now going to add to this blog a reflection paper that I wrote after my recent trip that I submitted to school in lue of the classes missed on my trip. This trip came after another 6 months of more transitions and losses. Wouldn’t it be nice if once we became a Christian our lives were always sunshine and roses? We aren’t promised that are we? In fact we are promised quite the opposite. His word says when you face trials and fiery ordeals.. but he also goes on to promise us .. I WILL be with you…

Reflection of my Stay in the Hospital:
Before this year I had never understood how anyone could ever get to the point of needing to be hospitalized for burn out and depression. I was full of preconceived ideas on what the “psych ward” entailed and who belonged there. (obviously it wasn’t for people in ministry or for those “strong in the Lord” right ? wrong!)
    I quickly came to see that all kinds of people require time on the mental health unit and that many people daily live somewhere on the spectrum dealing with mental illness. We would never tell someone with cancer or a broken leg to “suck it up butter cup” or to “trust more in God and you will be better”;  but we often do with people who are not handling it well dealing with emotional or mental sickness. Even last week someone said to me "well all you have to do is make the choice to do it" - there are many people (with good intentions) that do not understand. And, I was one of them.
    When I finally came out of my own prideful shell and began listening and observing the other patients around me, I realized what my pastor had said to me weeks earlier “we are all one step away, it could happen to any of us”. If something tragic enough were to happen; we could all lose our homes, job, family and then eventually our emotional and mental abilities and competencies. No one is exempt.
     I met with patients who were or used to be College and University professors; retired public school teachers, ministers, counsellors and social workers;  I soon became aware from talking with the nurses that many of the health professionals working in the hospital had also gone through a period of depression.
   I was further corrected in my beliefs that suffering from trauma, burn out or depression was not a sign of weakness or lack of trust and faith; I was not a failure: I had not failed in the Christian life.  Remember the belief I had carried about being a failure? Well it came back full force for the first week in the hospital; Satan was having a great time reminding me of all the different ways I had failed. And here I was, in ministry, a student and I was admitted to the mental health unit for what I had decided was “not being able to cope well enough with life”. That was another lie I believed.
    I learned a hard lesson in judging something that I was not educated in. The saying “until you have walked in someone else’s shoes” kept going around  in my mind as I began to see that yes I was in the hospital for my own recovery; but I was also being shown a very valuable lesson.
In the past, I (along with other Christians in ministry) had been very judgemental with people who could not seem to get over some hurts. I had tried hard to help them see the events from another perspective, (in order to heal them); BUT after I began to settle down in the hospital, I saw how sometimes the damage is so bad; that other help is needed and it is not simply having a better or stronger faith to “get over it” or “let it go”.

From the first night in the hospital, I realized how entering the Unit was also somewhat of a traumatic situation for me. It was a huge transition, one that I did not handle very well at all. It took me talking to a counselor later to realize that in the state I was in then, any transition was a trauma.  
Within a couple days upon being admitted - God began to reveal to me the hugeness of my pride; he also began to squash it. I entered the dining room and there was a table of students that I had once counselled and taught (Oh I wanted to hide my face), but there was nowhere to hide. I simply gave a small smile and kept walking.

This was just one of the many times that God reminded me of how much I was hanging on to my reputation; He began showing me that over the last few years I had worked hard to prove myself as not a failure but the focus and motives were so wrong. I am not proud to admit, but even being in ministry, I had begun to lose sight of being a messenger for Jesus, and it had become about proving that Jacqueline was a success, not a failure; and she did have something worth saying.

Even in this, God was still pursuing me and reminding me that I have yet to know Him completely. I suppose if we can ever get to the point of knowing all there is to know about God; then He is a small God to be able to fit into our human minds … My renewed desire is to continue to learn more about Father for the remainder of my days.

Because of my pride, at first I did not want anyone to know where I was, but I had to get over that. I know that for those who came to see me; going forward they will come to view the Mental health unit and depression from a different perspective.

For the entire rest of my “trip” God continued to talk to me and show me things. The first day- I received an off unit pass and I was going upstairs to meet someone for coffee at the Tim Hortons. I realized that my bracelet would quickly identify me as a patient. I looked around at how I could cover it, and I was considering putting a watch over top, when I heard a voice say “I thought you teach and believe in the importance of being transparent – why are you so worried about protecting your reputation” – I knew exactly who was talking to me. God was being faithful as always.

 One day, I imagined God in the chair beside my bed. I soon realized that I was ashamed and scared of what He would say to me about being in the hospital and not being strong enough to handle all the hurts and pain that had happened to me. Did He think I failed Him as well? I knew in my head that He was there with me understanding and loving me just the same; but my feelings took over; I did not go to Him at first at all. I had my few safe friends who came to see me and with whom I shared, but for the first 10 days, I would not talk with God. This God that I taught about, who I claimed to love and trust. I would not talk to and share how I was feeling. At some point when I was quietly resting I again heard from God .. “you have safe friends whom you will talk to, yet you will not talk to me. Am I not your safe friend?” I realized that I still had some things to work through on my own concept of God.

I didn’t see it in the moment, but I was being further refined. I was being better equipped; and He was there every step of the day. HE was not ashamed of me and in fact was probably wishing I would just run to Him and let Him comfort me. That is what our God is like, I just didn’t see it. I was too busy worried about trying to protect my reputation.

The next day, a piano was wheeled into the activities room. I had not yet sang, read or prayed  – I guess in a way I had lost my song for a while’ but in the middle of the afternoon, I felt drawn to the piano. I quietly began to play, and soon I was playing worship songs and pieces that were prayers to God, I could not yet verbalize, but I could play. I began playing and eventually grew more confident and played louder and stronger. After a little while I heard a voice from the other side of the room singing, and another voice and then another voice joined. I had been playing Shout to the Lord and I was amazed at how many people in the unit knew that song.

Not only that, but two women who had just been admitted the day before for attempted suicide (and had yet to talk or smile to anyone) were two of the ones singing.  I continued playing with tears running down my cheeks as I realized that music was a healing balm to so many.

   *I also knew at that moment God was saying to me, “I have used many broken people, imperfect disciples and even a donkey; I will continue to use you if you continue to trust in me. Lay aside your pride Jacqueline. This piano being brought over to this side of the unit; was a gift for you.”

After the music, I went to gather my things and one of the extremely sad women came over to me and said “thank you, that is the best thing I have heard since coming here.” She then asked me if I was attending groups, and when I said yes; she then said she felt safe to attend and would come too if I was going to be there. I was amazed that even in my brokenness and what I had up until then decided was a failure - God was so evidently working.

When I got to thinking about it… those imperfect disciples were Jesus’ disciples– those disciples were described and thought of by the teachers elders and Pharisees as “common men” ,… but we read in Acts 4:13 something important to know and remember; – Acts tells us that they (the disciples)  recognized that they had been with Jesus”  - that is what is important .

God used my “Trip” to teach me, to further refine me and to remind me of several truths. I still have much to learn (as we all do), My prayer is that we never get to the point that we think we are done learning all there is to know about God and His word. We are his masterpieces; but we are also still works in progress

People in ministry are not perfect nor expected to be. When we put people on a pedestal – we will be disappointed; and it will cause hurt all around

We are never told to be strong in our own abilities; the bible tells us to be strong IN the LORD ; and in fact .. in our weakness He is strong.

I hope I never again judge another person again on their journey or spiritual walk. I don’t know where they have been … or what was done to them .. God is the one who knows their heart. My role is to listen to walk along side and to offer wisdom when needed … not to judge.

As for depression? It’s still a new journey, I don’t know if it was burnout and depressed for a season, or something I will deal with rest of my life; but its ok either way. It will be a weakness used for Him and I am doing well now; REALLY well. I actually feel better today then I  probably have ever felt. Its been 6 weeks since I have been home from the hospital and I not ashamed of where I have been. Would you be ashamed if you had to go to the hospital to have your appendix removed? 

 

I will have my fairy tale ending .. I am a princess captured by the Prince of Peace .. Jesus is His name and my Daddy is the King of Kings!

 I don’t know all of you. I don’t know where you’ve been, or what's been done to you; but I hope if you are not sure where you sit with God .. that you don’t leave things the way they are. Email me, talk to someone .. there has been so much done FOR you. Someone died for you and He is waiting eagerly to call you His daughter.. HIS princess.  

 

Til Next Time

Jacqueline

My Story Part 2

If look back over the years, there have been many people who have shown me love and spoken elements of truth in to my life. I am so thankful that God never gave up on me and that my parents chose to give me life. I have a purpose - and every day He is showing me more and more about that purpose. Before I share where I am at now, I will continue my story as it only seems fitting to go in order :)

For a little girl growing up I never gave much thought to God or Jesus except for when I went to camp or visited church with my grandma and aunts. When my family lived on Author St in Elmira – we lived across the road from a loving Christian family. They didn't know it then, but they played a big part in creating the desire in me of what kind of home I wanted to have when I grew up. As an adult I now know I was seeing Jesus in human form.  A trend was starting to happen even in my dark days .. I was attracted to Jesus.
In public school I remember being attracted to a particular "kind" of people; I now  know it was those "Christians" :)  There was something about these people that made me feel wanted and safe. Again, God was pursuing me, and showing me what I was missing in life.

When I turned 10 yrs old there was a turning point in the life of my family, and for myself. Family issues had escalated and abuse by one babysitter was happening frequently. One night as I was doing dishes I remember grabbing a knife and trying to decide to I kill myself or do I stab those that were hurting me. I was in a very dark place and I believe now looking back on it.. there was a battle going on for my life.

Later that year, my parents divorced, and my Dad and my brother began attending Wallenstein Bible Chapel. It was there that I began to understand abit more about what being a Christian was all about. Even here though, I fought daily to think on truth. I didn’t feel like I fit in with the other kids there, they all knew the proper things to say and do; and I was a child from a divorced family. Back then, that in itself made me stand out.

But I know we were welcome but I still had this strong desire to be wanted, needed and accepted. I began a new bad habit - and that was to try really  hard to be good, to please people, to avoid conflict, to never complain, and that didn’t just go for people .. it began a life long journey of trying to earn my acceptance with God.

At 13yrs old I was sitting in an evening service (passing notes in the youth section) and John Ruppert was speaking. I don’t remember everything he had to say, but I do remember him saying – “there are some of you sitting here who think you are OK; but you have never really given your life to the Lord; there will come a day when God will say He never knew you”…. That night I made sure I was going to go to heaven when I died. John played a very integral part of my spiritual journey.

Again as I look back I see how even though I was so hurt and damaged on the inside, Father (my God) was loving me and pursuing me. I will always be thankful for the people of God that came and loved on me in so many ways.

Well, I met my husband when I was 14yrs old, and at 15 we were “official” -  we actually sat together at church every Sunday and even once in a while held hands underneath the hymn book J At last my fairy tale ending was going to come true . right?

 After several years of marriage, doing life and ministry together  - that fairy tale didn’t end happily ever after, but it did end. It ended in a way that was shocking and devastating to me and my children. The details of that are not important, and out of respect for other parties involved I wont share more; but It took us several years to try and “get over it”. Even up until last year I believed I cried the entire Father’s Day service at church.

But even in those dark days; God was taking care of me every step of the way. Showing me His heart for me and trying to get through to me that I didn’t have to keep trying so hard to please Him. I WAS pleasing to Him. For all my life I believed I had failed. And not just failed; but I believed I WAS a failure. I failed to protect myself from abuse, I failed to be a good daughter, I failed as a friend and now I failed at marriage as well.

In those early days as I was alone in the house and found myself a single parent, I remember two different occasions very specifically as I cried out – God answered very clearly and in ways the kids and I will never forget. They were asking me what we were going to do and all I could say was I didn’t know but that I was sure that God would be taking care of us.. I no sooner said the words and the door bell rang, and when we went upstairs; someone was at the top of the stairs with boxes of groceries and little gifts for the kids.
 Another  time I was worried about how I would be able to teach my boys the things only a man could… God directed me to Isaiah 54 - this chapter speaks of no longer remembering the shame of your past and the assurance that godly men will teach my children.

God showed me His love by sending so many people to love on me;  to help me with decisions, to even help me wash sheets, providing meals; cleaning out my garage, finished bricking our steps and driveway; and a youth team came  and raked the lawn. The body and family of God came around me, loved me, provided for me. One sweet lady even sent milk and cookies over for the kids. 

I still didn’t really know it, but the real King was pursuing HIS princess and He loved me more than anything. I was so sad on the inside and was constantly struggling to be “good enough”. I was carrying around all these lies I believed, even though on the outside I was appearing “put together”: I believed that I was a mistake and should not have been born, I believed I was only good for one thing; I was to blame for the abuse I endured, I believed I was stupid for not telling an adult the first time it happened; I failed as a daughter and now I failed at being a wife. It was a prison that took a long time to be free of. In fact even now whenever I fail or make a mistake at something .. I have to choose to believe I am OK or Satan tries to take me down a path of believing the lies.

God has used my pain for good. An author I have come to appreciate is Lysa Terkeurst. You may have read one of her many books and she also writes for Proverbs 31 Ministries. She has a quote in one of her books that I have lately come to appreciate, and I have shared with many of the women I have met with. Lysa says

 “We must process our hurts through the filter of God’s love, not through the tangled places of our heart.

When I process things through the tangled places of my heart, often the outcome is, “If God loves me so much, why would He allow this happen?”

Instead, when I process things through the filter of the absolute assurance of God’s love the outcome is, “God loves me so much therefore I have to trust why He is allowing this to happen.”

Shortly after I began participating in some personal discipleship counselling at a local ministry, I attended Friday morning ladies group here where I was advertising an upcoming conference that was going to be held, and I asked If anyone here believed they were a princess . A few months later while I was stuffing mailboxes at church, a woman who had been there that Friday morning came up to me and said “remember when you told us we are princesses? She continued by saying, she had never forgotten that  and no matter what and no matter how she felt; she knew she WAS HIS PRINCESS. 

This dear woman had her life tragically taken from her.I was not aware at that time of the hurts that she was carrying, but I was so thrilled that she had come to see how much she was loved and a princess – she came to know she was God’s girl!

Through that event and several others, AGAIN God was showing me He had a purpose for me and my story  – even my hurts.  I didn’t get it all then, but He was trying to show me HE made me good enough; and I needed to stop striving to be more acceptable. The righteous godly, perfect Jesus Christ resided in me AND He couldn’t reside in me if I wasn’t acceptable. I was a new creation whether I felt it or not. My Pastor reminded me not long ago of the verses in 2 Corinthians - we ARE the sweet aroma of Christ .. whether we feel it or  believe it or always act like it or not - WE ARE the sweet aroma.  This began the search to figure out and study more about women and their search for acceptance ...

My Story Part 1

Hello Friends, Wow it has been 7 months since I have last posted and much has happened. I have learned some very valuable lessons and because one of my lessons have been about becoming even more transparent and authentic  - today I will share my story with you.
 
I was recently asked to speak at a woman's breakfast and in preparation of that talk, Father was once again faithful to use even the dark times to manifest His great love and faithfulness. Below is part of my story; don't hesitate to email and ask anything on your heart when you are done reading. The email I suggest you use is jacquelinewilliams@rogers.com. I don't share to be disrespectful to anyone, but rather to show how God has been pursuing me my entire life. I will share over a couple different posts, but then I will update you as to where I am now.  I do not write with eloquence, but I promise to be honest; and I pray you hear my heart as you read .. Here goes ...

    Growing up, I was like most little girls, I dreamt of the fairy tale life. … the happily ever after ending. Like most women, I still like the 'happy ever after' endings; I loved the princess movies, the idea of being chased by a prince and riding off into the sunset. Look at the movies we watch? The stories we read? This is normal .. its okay; its part of who we are as women.
     I often ask the women I speak to "How many of you have watched the movie Titanic"? (raise your hand) OK put them down; now raise your hand if you have watched it more than once? I am pretty sure that no woman watches a movie like that because they enjoy watching a ship breaking into two pieces and watching people die. Most of us like a good love story.

Most of my life I spent waiting for that happy ending. There were some days growing up I didn’t know if I would survive; there were many days I wanted to die. But, I did survive; and I  now believe that I survived because I  clung to the hope of being rescued. "Someday my prince will come" – seemed to be my main thought.

     As a child I was told from a very young that I was not planned (interpreted by me - I was a mistake). I also know that at time in the lives of my parents, the way out of this unplanned pressure would be to have an abortion. Thankfully not both parents agreed to this. But, from early on I carried the heavy brick of being a mistake and unwanted. This became the great
desire to be accepted and loved.

     When I was growing up, I suffered abuse from many different people; the details are not important, and I don’t share these details with you for a pity party; but rather to offer some hope. For there is nothing done to you; or by you that makes you unlovable by God. I believe He weeps over choices we make and hurts done to us; especially as children.

     It doesn't matter where you have come from .. there is a God who loves you and desires you to know Him and His heart for you. He has been pursuing you from the moment you were born.

     There were many dark days growing up and in those days I learned many harmful ways to cope (food, social and emotional issues just to name a few); but these coping methods somehow managed to help me function through the hurt. It was all I knew at the time. I was very easily pushed around and now as I counsellor I know that growing up in this kind of atmosphere; with the kind of beliefs I held about myself and others; made me an easy target for sexual predators. I was an easy prey.

     I believed I didn't have a safe person to go to; so when outsiders and people of authority abused me; I didn't go to anyone; I kept it inside - slowly dying - and the harmful coping methods I had developed continued to grow worse.  There were a lot of lies that I was believing ; and from believing those lies .. I acted according to those false beliefs and to what my feelings dictated.. not truth.

      I have written before about the danger that comes from letting our feelings dictate our beliefs and actions. God's word does not say "take every emotion captive"; nor does it say "set your mind on behaviours and feelings below". But rather, we are to set our minds on things above; and take every thought captive. For what we believe dictates what we do. Someone once said, "instead of letting our feelings be the engine that drives the train, put them in the back and they can be last to fall in line".

      We have all reacted according to our feelings instead of truth; and, many of us have had people react on us according to their feelings or their false beliefs about us - it doesn't feel great does it? I am so thankful that Father loves us and knows our inward thoughts and NEVER grows weary and NEVER lacks in understanding.

      I have dealt with a lot of happened to me as a child; and since then have come to know that every single person is wanted. God does not make mistakes. He tells us in  Psalm 139 – in in the womb; we were skillfully and wonderfully made … (that means no one is a mistake!) Now, do I always act in the truth? No, there are days when my past comes Back and the lies creep in; it takes alot of effort to set my mind on truth; it is something that we must do. No one can do that for us.

      I believe I became a Christian when I was a little girl at Conestoga Bible Camp, for two weeks every summer, I felt loved, safe  and accepted during a time when I never felt accepted anywhere.  I loved being at camp; people were loving and "happy" there.  I wanted to be like they were … I wanted so badly to be happy.
      As an adult I have learned there is a big difference between being happy and being joyful. Happiness as the common phrase says "is based on happenings". I do believe Christians can have joy, experience peace in the middle of very painful situations. BUT, let me be clear, I am never again minimizing people's feelings or where they are at.
      I believe we who are leaders, counsellors and people in ministry can do alot of damage when we minimize where people are at. Someone not long ago said something to me that was a very "trite" thing to say. It was a good reminder to me of how I may have at one point in time said the exact same thing.
       To all my Pastor and Counsellor friends; be mindful of what you say. When you are walking along side hurting people; if you do not know their complete story and you have not had some specialized training; you can cause alot of hurt. People do not need your judgment; they need someone to love them and walk along side them. (I am NOT saying that loving someone means always agreeing or patting them on the back and saying "there there").    
    Truly loving someone, may mean asking the tough questions and saying things that may not be well received. I just caution that you do it in love for the purpose of building up, edifying and helping with their growth and healing. Set your own judgements, predispositions, opinions, feelings and pride aside.