Expectations

Today, my heart is torn. I feel both heavy and glad at the same time as I write. My heart hurts over the foolishness of what I have done; but is glad in that I am loved and am resting in knowing there is freedom when one can admit and acknowledge.

My day started with reliving a few conversations that I have had with people over the years. One memory was of a conversation early on in my marriage with a well intentioned great grandmother(inlaw). The conversation was one of heaping expectations on me that I was now a mother and wife and that it was time to put myself aside and to stop "being emotional". To strive to be the best mom and wife that I could be and to realize that to think of myself at all would be selfish and self centred. (So, how does one who grew up not really loving herself take that kind of information? How does one who hasnt learned to take care of herself learn to care of herself but yet not be self centred?) So began, yet another "goal" of trying to meet expectations in order to "measure up".

Here's the thing, we all have those kind of stories. Thankfully I have had a few years to deal with those kind of lies; but I am in no way saying I have arrived; I admit to you I am still learning.

I am pretty sure that we all have this "code" in which we strive to measure up to. Whether we have self imposed them, or someone else has inflicted them on us .. I am coming to see that they are nothing more than a bad disease; and yes, I believe very very contagious.

When we inflict them on ourselves (which may drive to burn out) or, we have been on the receiving end of someone else's expectations of us; it hardly stops there. Much of the time it filters down to those around us. Whether it is a spouse, children, or our friends.

I have also come to realize that we all have expectations. If we didn't we wouldnt be disappointed as often; we wouldnt be offended as often and we wouldn't deal with feelings of shame and worthlessness as often as we do.

Let's be honest and admit that there are times we believe that others should treat us in a specific way, or we believe we need to act in a certain way to measure up and be "okay".

Friends, Father has been very clear to me about the dangers of using expectations as a measuring tool. During this time of "revelation", I have also spent much time trying to figure out the difference between setting goals and setting expectations to live by. I think that I am slowly coming to understand the difference.

I believe it is in the mindset of what happens if the goal is met or not met. Is it okay to desire to lose weight and take care of my body? Of course it is;for I am the temple of the living Christ. Is it okay to want to set the goal to cook a delicious meal for your family and friends? And, on top of that, is it okay to appreciate words of affirmation when the meal was savoured by all? Of course it is.

Where I see the challenge now is the mindset of what happens when the words of others become a measuring tool on whether you are okay or not. What if the meal wasn't well received? Are you still okay? What if you didnt make your weight loss goal of that week? Are you then labelled a failure? What if you do fail, does that mean you are a failure?

How does this apply to treating others around you? This is where Father has been working on me this morning in the quietness of my house. If we live under law (which is exactly what expectations do to us); we then begin to judge others according to the same (or higher) standards. We expect much of our friends and family (and (said sarcastically), of course, they must not love you if they do not "act" in ways you have expected them too - right?)

I see this in the work appointments during the week. The teen girls feel their parents dont love them because they didn't measure up to the young lady's expectations of what "loving" parents would do.

I hear it in the hurting wife with a struggling marriage. "My husband doesn't really love me or he would have known how much that date night meant to me."

Having unrealistic expectations (sets of standards) cause damage to those around (and of course to yourself as well). Please hear me, I dont think expectations are evil, I think that there are things that we can "expect" in life; what we are talking about is standards and rules to live by and that which we measure someone's acceptance by. For example, I should be able to expect that I will be paid for the work that I do at my place of employment.

I admit today that I have been on both ends of the expectation battle. I put myself under them, but I also have recently come to see that I have at times inflicted expectations on others around me. I have expected certain things (time, responses)from friends; I have expected that my parents would react in certain ways etc etc etc ...

Friend, know what damage this can do to yourself and to others around you. It is just like bitterness; it causes trouble, is contagious to those around, may destroy relationships and it cuts off experiencing the grace of God(Hebrews 12:15).

The answer for those of us in Christ is to rest in knowing that it is by HIS doing that we have been made acceptable. That applies to those in our life as well. They are totally acceptable. We don't want to be like the people of Galatia who felt it was their job to maintain their "status" of being acceptable (righteous) by their performance and behavior.

My challenge today is that you take a few moments to ask yourself if you have been putting yourself under law / expectations; and then take the next step, ask Father to show you if you have been putting others under that same law.

For a book on this topic let me suggest "Tired of Trying to Measure Up" by Jeff VanVonderan or "Pressures Off" by Larry Crabb. Also, here is a song forwarded to me by a friend (Thanks May).Beautiful You Are - www.youtube.com

We are on a journey friend, and I am thankful that our Father takes us unconditionally where we are at and has made us 100% acceptable. Thanks for reading the ramblings of this woman still learning what God's Grace is all about.

Til next time,

Jacqueline