Doing MY Best For Him? or Letting HIM Do it Through Me?

How many times have we heard sayings like "try your best and let God do the rest?" or "try harder". From the beginning we are encouraged to walk (and how many of us were told "well done good girl?") How many of us grew up with attaching being "good" with our behaviour? And then we wonder why we have a performance based attitude with God.

Today I weighed in for my weekly "check in" and the results were down 1 lb. Ok, so I didnt reach my weekly goal, but when I was measured, the staff at Curves (after they measured me)were so excited: "way to go, well done" and they even said "good girl". It kind of made me laugh, as I was wondering what would they have said if I had gotten bigger? The whole time I was thinking about "but I have done my best this week". Then I go into a big debate with myself (well, did I REALLY do my best? Maybe I should have worked out one more time, or maybe I shouldnt have eaten that one cookie, or maybe I should have said no to eating out with the leadership from church)and on and on I went.

Then quietly, I heard these words repeated to me (this sheep has hard hearing apparently; as the Shepherd needs to keep saying the same message over and over) "Jacqueline, who are you doing this for? Who should be handling this burden? Are you okay with the one pound loss? Who has the results in His hand? Stop striving, keep doing your part,but leave the results up to me"; and more importantly, "use this time to get to know me better."

In the Bible there is this tension (if you really want to call it that); for we are called to rest and abide; and to be willing vessels tapped into the vine for our source of life. AND yet, we are called to: go, do, be, stop, put on, put off, speak, teach, train, work etc ...

This thought has been on my mind quite abit the last few days, and last night I was explaining to someone that when we keep trying to do things on our own (and out of our own abilities), it is like asking the vaccum to work without being plugged into "the source". It is hard work, lots of striving and with little lasting results. Does that make sense?

When I meet with people, I often use the illustration of the heater in my office. If the heater is not plugged in, can I really expect the results to be that my office will warm up?

Jesus says to us, "For I am the vine and you are the branches, remain in me and I will remain in you. A branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. For apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:1-5 (taken from New Living Translation but not in sequential order).

Well, I hope I gave you something to think about. Have a great weekend resting and abiding in the Vine, for He loves you 100%!!

That's all for now, Til next time.

Jacqueline

Friday Update

So we are again at another Friday, seriously, these weeks seem to fly by.
How was your week? Have you thought about expectations? Have you thought about other things that may be getting in the way of experiencing the grace of God?

The grace of God, the ability to have Christ flowing out of me, and me experiencing life in "abundance" (John 10:10) has been on my mind much of this week. At one point I was talking with a young lady and she asked me what I meant by "cutting off the grace of God" (Hebrews 12:15). I got to thinking about that and when praying for an illustration to use to help better explain, I thought of a drain; then later on I thought of a vaccum cleaner.

In both of these examples, there is "junk" that gets in the way. With a drain, junk prevents the flow of water from going down the drain; and with a vaccum, junk prevents the ability for the vaccum's power and suction to work properly and efficiently. I think these examples do well to explain when we have bitterness, unforgiveness, expectations and refusal to surrender "junk" in the way of experiencing God's grace.

We all have more to learn and we all have ways in which Father is pressing us towards further growth and maturity. So, what is it that may be getting in the way of you preventing the grace of God from either: flowing out to others OR from you experiencing it to its fullest? (Just something to continue to think on and ask Father to show us).

For my Friday update on the "Journey of Weight", today I weighed in with a loss of 2 lbs for the week.

That's all for now, Keep resting in Him for He is faithful!

Jacqueline

Much To Learn ...

I remember once hearing that christians should rejoice all the time, and never feel sad, lonely, angry or depressed. Well friends, the last couple of days for me I have felt much of those feelings (not to mention:anxious, fearful, frustrated, doubt and inadequate). To put your minds at ease, there is nothing huge going on; although there has been a great amount of heart surgery between the faithful physician and I over the last 5 days.

In the midst of those 'heavier' feelings I have also felt calm and peace, but what struck me was how once we let a destructive thought in, just how easy it is to let it have the ability to corrupt my feelings and actions. We are told to "take every thought captive" for a reason. The battle is in the mind and if we let the thoughts that are lies seep through, it affects much more than our thinking.

Last weekend began the doubts and thoughts of just how inadequate I am. I began to doubt and I started paying attention to all the lies that were being planted. From there, I began to believe those lies and even in some situations, I began to act out of them. Today I asked God what was going on and why was I so emotionally drained since last Friday. After I prayed, I came to realize just how many of those lies I had been believing over the past few days.

Those lies and doubts began to fester and spread like a bad case of chicken pox. My "stinkin thinkin" started going down a path with thoughts such as "I am: inadequate at work, inadequate with friends, inadequate as a mom (with two teens in the house, one of them seems to be unhappy with me about something on most days) and of course, I am so inadequate I have no place in ministry anywhere." Wow eh? what a load of lies ...

So, what is the "right" thing to do with those kind of thoughts? For we all have moments where we have them right? Is it as simple as replacing them with truth ? (God's word says that "the truth will set us free" John 8:33) How do we discover what the truth is? What do we do with the lies and doubts? And, not to meantion, many of us know the verses like "When I am weak, God is strong" or "all discipline is not pleasant for the moment"... but then what? What are we called to do next? (If you havent noticed, I am not giving many answers, I am simply laying out the questions and thoughts for you to think on. I pray that you all know that the answer ultimately rests in Jesus and your walk with Him).

To be honest, I am absolutely inadequate in and of myself (so those thoughts weren't all lies); and, I am only equipped to do what is asked of me - because of Christ in me;not my own ability. It is when I am weak, that HE IS strong.

I believe there is a difference between being humble and having a pity party. I also believe it is an insult to Father for anyone of us to think less of ourselves than we are. For He has made us COMPLETE in HIM. If we are not acceptable now, then what does that say about the work of Jesus on the cross? Was it not enough then?

For me, I ask Father if there is any truth in what I am thinking? What am I supposed to learn from this experience, and is there any truth in what as just said to me or what I was being accused of?

Regarding past mistakes that the devil keeps throwing in your face; well, with those you can tell the devil where to go because my God has thrown them far away; never to be remembered no more.

Ask Father to remind you of the truth of who you are, and who has your back. Choose to meditate on His words that His understanding never ceases, and He never grows weary or irritated with you.

I share this leg of my journey to keep my promise of being honest. I want you to know that there are other Christian friends who love Jesus, but have struggles on hard days as well.

It is a learning process, and for me, I want to learn how to walk more intimately with Father. I want to learn how to trust Him at all times. I want to learn how to ask Him FIRST before anyone else and finally, I want to learn to be thankful in all situations.

How encouraging is it for us, that Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-12 that he has to learn to be thankful and to rejoice. " ... "he learned how to be content ... he learned how to live on almost nothing ... and he learned the secret of living in every situations ..." (This thought was from a book I recently read by Ann Voskamp - one thousand gifts).

I am (and that means you are too) just where God wants you to be. He is not surprised by the choices that you made today. He is not surprised with you admitting how you feel to Him; (for He knows your very thoughts anyways.) Be honest and open with Him, for He knows all about you and loves you just the same!

Before I close, can you do me one favour? Read the repeated phrase below four times and each time think about the word that is capitalized.

he ... loves ... me

HE... loves ... me

he ... LOVES ... me

he ... loves .... ME

Let me close with one of my all time favourite quotes: I believe the author is Thomas Merton.

"All I am or ever hope to be is in Him. without Him I am nothing, with him, I am everything, and when I am not "everything" He loves me still!"

Til next time,

Jacqueline

Expectations

Today, my heart is torn. I feel both heavy and glad at the same time as I write. My heart hurts over the foolishness of what I have done; but is glad in that I am loved and am resting in knowing there is freedom when one can admit and acknowledge.

My day started with reliving a few conversations that I have had with people over the years. One memory was of a conversation early on in my marriage with a well intentioned great grandmother(inlaw). The conversation was one of heaping expectations on me that I was now a mother and wife and that it was time to put myself aside and to stop "being emotional". To strive to be the best mom and wife that I could be and to realize that to think of myself at all would be selfish and self centred. (So, how does one who grew up not really loving herself take that kind of information? How does one who hasnt learned to take care of herself learn to care of herself but yet not be self centred?) So began, yet another "goal" of trying to meet expectations in order to "measure up".

Here's the thing, we all have those kind of stories. Thankfully I have had a few years to deal with those kind of lies; but I am in no way saying I have arrived; I admit to you I am still learning.

I am pretty sure that we all have this "code" in which we strive to measure up to. Whether we have self imposed them, or someone else has inflicted them on us .. I am coming to see that they are nothing more than a bad disease; and yes, I believe very very contagious.

When we inflict them on ourselves (which may drive to burn out) or, we have been on the receiving end of someone else's expectations of us; it hardly stops there. Much of the time it filters down to those around us. Whether it is a spouse, children, or our friends.

I have also come to realize that we all have expectations. If we didn't we wouldnt be disappointed as often; we wouldnt be offended as often and we wouldn't deal with feelings of shame and worthlessness as often as we do.

Let's be honest and admit that there are times we believe that others should treat us in a specific way, or we believe we need to act in a certain way to measure up and be "okay".

Friends, Father has been very clear to me about the dangers of using expectations as a measuring tool. During this time of "revelation", I have also spent much time trying to figure out the difference between setting goals and setting expectations to live by. I think that I am slowly coming to understand the difference.

I believe it is in the mindset of what happens if the goal is met or not met. Is it okay to desire to lose weight and take care of my body? Of course it is;for I am the temple of the living Christ. Is it okay to want to set the goal to cook a delicious meal for your family and friends? And, on top of that, is it okay to appreciate words of affirmation when the meal was savoured by all? Of course it is.

Where I see the challenge now is the mindset of what happens when the words of others become a measuring tool on whether you are okay or not. What if the meal wasn't well received? Are you still okay? What if you didnt make your weight loss goal of that week? Are you then labelled a failure? What if you do fail, does that mean you are a failure?

How does this apply to treating others around you? This is where Father has been working on me this morning in the quietness of my house. If we live under law (which is exactly what expectations do to us); we then begin to judge others according to the same (or higher) standards. We expect much of our friends and family (and (said sarcastically), of course, they must not love you if they do not "act" in ways you have expected them too - right?)

I see this in the work appointments during the week. The teen girls feel their parents dont love them because they didn't measure up to the young lady's expectations of what "loving" parents would do.

I hear it in the hurting wife with a struggling marriage. "My husband doesn't really love me or he would have known how much that date night meant to me."

Having unrealistic expectations (sets of standards) cause damage to those around (and of course to yourself as well). Please hear me, I dont think expectations are evil, I think that there are things that we can "expect" in life; what we are talking about is standards and rules to live by and that which we measure someone's acceptance by. For example, I should be able to expect that I will be paid for the work that I do at my place of employment.

I admit today that I have been on both ends of the expectation battle. I put myself under them, but I also have recently come to see that I have at times inflicted expectations on others around me. I have expected certain things (time, responses)from friends; I have expected that my parents would react in certain ways etc etc etc ...

Friend, know what damage this can do to yourself and to others around you. It is just like bitterness; it causes trouble, is contagious to those around, may destroy relationships and it cuts off experiencing the grace of God(Hebrews 12:15).

The answer for those of us in Christ is to rest in knowing that it is by HIS doing that we have been made acceptable. That applies to those in our life as well. They are totally acceptable. We don't want to be like the people of Galatia who felt it was their job to maintain their "status" of being acceptable (righteous) by their performance and behavior.

My challenge today is that you take a few moments to ask yourself if you have been putting yourself under law / expectations; and then take the next step, ask Father to show you if you have been putting others under that same law.

For a book on this topic let me suggest "Tired of Trying to Measure Up" by Jeff VanVonderan or "Pressures Off" by Larry Crabb. Also, here is a song forwarded to me by a friend (Thanks May).Beautiful You Are - www.youtube.com

We are on a journey friend, and I am thankful that our Father takes us unconditionally where we are at and has made us 100% acceptable. Thanks for reading the ramblings of this woman still learning what God's Grace is all about.

Til next time,

Jacqueline

Friday update

Today's post will be short and to the point; lots on my mind but wanted to keep my promise to you...

Journey of Weight: down 4 lbs.

Til next time .... Run to Him He is there and His understanding NEVER ceases!

Jacqueline

But God ...

I have been struggling these last couple of days with the idea of getting on the scale again tomorrow morning. Parts of me think that life was simpler when I either didnt think about the weight, or I struggled inwardly alone.

I am coming to know that it doesn't always "feel" easy to walk in obedience. I have been reminded once again, that I am hanging on to what I think should happen. This led me to think about an example from the Bible. Let's take Abraham ...

And God told Abraham that He would be a father to many. I suppose at first he would have been excited and every month that went past, both he and Sarah would have been disappointed to learn that it had not happened. He had many conversations with the Lord about this (not to mention I am sure he held a crying wife once or twice as her monthly cycle came to be, and still no baby.)

I understand the desire to feel the need to do something. I understand the words he said: "But God, I am getting older; and my wife is aging every year; do you need my help? This is not going as fast as I would have liked it, how about I help you?"

Simmilar I suppose, we say things like: "But God, I did what I believed you asked of me; why am I not getting the results that I want?"

Father, continue to show me where I fail and where the areas are that I still need to surrender. You are faithful, you will do what you said you will do. Let us hold to the promise that we find in Philippians 1:6 as Paul writes these words:

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He (GOD) who began a good work in you will perfect it (complete it perfectly) until the day of Christ" Or, perhaps we can say it this way, "God who began that very good work in you; promises to see it through to completion."

That's all for now

Jacqueline

What is the Belief That is Driving Your Reactions?

Today has been yet another day of learning for me. I found myself in a situation where I was "politely dismissed" from an appointment that I have battled going to for months. What stood out to me was not that the doctor was busy or didn't seem to acknowledge my questions; but rather that it bothered me so very much to be "dismissed".

As I was driving back to work I kept asking myself, "what is the belief that has me so upset about the doctor's attitude and actions?" I remembered a few other instances where I felt similar feelings and I have reacted pretty much the same and I began to wonder that that belief is; what is it that I am taking personally? Why was I so upset?

Was it that I didnt feel valued enough? or perhaps, it was that I believed I was "bothering" him and I shouldnt have wasted his time?

I am not sure, but it was a good reminder of the importance to not just "react" but take some time to think deeper about what is really going on.

I hope you are all having a great week; I will blog more later on in the week.

Check out the "Worth your time" list on the right of my blog. I will try to add titles frequently.

Til next time

Jacqueline

Happy Birthday Son

Mama, Mommy, Mom and sometimes "MOTHER" ... Then of course comes the job description: cook, nurse, doctor, maid, chauffeur, bank teller, provider, teacher, counsellor, guide, disciplinarian, coach, cheer leader and friend.

I remember the first time I felt the baby in my tummy; it felt weird just like they said it would, and from that moment on, there was no rest unitl I knew that everything was ok.The day didnt end well for me, until I felt that baby kick; and then the day he was born, I believe I held my breath until the doctor was able to get him to cry ... Wow, in such a short time my life as I knew it changed forever.

He turns 17 years old today, and it still hasnt changed. I don't rest until he is home with my car on a snowy evening; when he goes on trips to the United States, I rest only when I hear that he has arrived safely. Then, on return, I don't fall into a deep sleep until I know that he is home. He doesn't even have to be upstairs; as soon as I hear the front door close then I rest. Whoever said that being a parent was easy? It is a tremendous role; but an awesome privilege that many of us have been given.

Our discussions are no longer about picking out a new toy car or what colour sippy cup he would like to use. He no longer needs me to do laundry, pick out clothes or make phone calls to arrange a play date. The discussions have graduated to being about who gets the car; what time he should be home (or at least check in); who is paying for the winter retreats and gas; where should he get a job; should he go to camp? and then of course, the talks have begun around where to go to school. This time next year, he is going to be preparing to move on to further education of some sort.

Am I ready for that? To be honest, no. I was in bed the other night thinking about our journey as a family (especially over the past 6 years) and how things have changed. How my children have grown up so very quickly; how at some points I wish to have a rewinded button (or at least a pause button). But, my children belong to Jesus, and it is important for me to remember that they are loved even more by God than I can possibly love them.

I like to think that I have have learned to hold my children loosely in my hands for Father to do with what He likes; but when the time comes to let go (even if ever so slightly) my immediate reaction is to tighten the grasp. Holding tightly is not helpful or beneficial. I must remember that God has it all; and he is a young man now. He is not the little toddler who runs down the hallway looking for a hug when I walk in the door; in fact, somedays, I may get a hello from the computer, the keyboard where he is learning a new song to play or from the kitchen when it is his turn to cook dinner.

I am proud of the young man he has become, and I look forward to where God takes him on his journey. That all said, I am thankful for the time I got to be his mama, mommy and mom. I will always be his "mother" but he is learning to fly now without the "safety of the nest".

So Son, run to Jesus Matthew; keep resting in Him as your guide and LIFE. He knows exactly where He wants you to be; don't worry, He will show you and He will provide.

Finally, thanks for the part you have played in the last 6 years; you have in many ways had to grow up more quickly than you should have. You have indeed learned as you were counselled to " be part of a team".

Happy Birthday Son!

"Unless the Lord build the house, those who labour, labour in vain ... Children are a blessing from the Lord, and blessed are you whose quiver is full of them" Psalm 127: 1 - 5 (my paraphrase)

In His Hands,

Jacqueline

But What About Jesus?

I was just rereading what I wrote yesterday in my journal (before blogging publically). You know how many times I wrote the word "I" for my efforts this past week? WAY too many! I did this, I did that, I stopped that .. I tried this ... One question is on my mind this morning: Where was Jesus in that?

I sit and talk about viewing Christ as central to everything (rather than the foundation in which we build). That is to see everything through the lens of Christ, and then, first 10 days at my "Journey of Weight" and who was the god of that project? Why none other than this lady who speaks words to others about Christ being central, but didn't follow her own words and got off the correct path.

I admit where my heart was these past 10-12 days; it was focused on "conquering the battle" instead of resting in the faithful one. I was attempting to do something in my own strength to please God, myself and to please you as well. I admit there was a part of me looking to make you proud of me. If you are going to put yourself out there, well you had better do well right? And for someone who (sigh) still does not like to fail; this has been a good lesson learned.

You know, I feel more free today than I have been in days. I am still doing the part that Jesus has asked me to do ( eat healthier, exercise etc) but more than that, as someone reminded me yesterday: it's time to "enjoy the journey with God in this".

Where are you at in your journey? I have become more convinced that everyone has something that Father wants them to be more free from. What is it that you are fearful of? Is it fear of failure like myself? Perhaps it is fear of rejection if I do fail? (For more on that, I suggest reading the book Search for Significance by Robert McGee).

It is not going to be an easy journey: and as I found out this week, there will be bumps in the road; however, with all that said, this is a journey that I am in for the long haul. The journey is more than to be healthier; it is to know God in a more intimate way.

I fell down (as you will) but I also got back up (as you will too). This week, how about we acknowledge Jesus with us as we parent, work, attend school, AND in all our efforts to attempt to be free (for remember, it is HE that sets the captives free). Let's decide together that we take time to enjoy the journey (smell the roses as they say) and see it all through HIS eyes.

and Jesus said to Peter, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I am going to close today with the verse that began this whole journey for me: 1 Thes 5:23 & 24 " Now may the God of PEACE sanctify you ENTIRELY; and may your spirt and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ FAITHFUL is HE who calls you, and HE ALSO WILL BRING IT TO PASS."

Til Next Time, Keep your eyes on Him

Jacqueline

Friday's - Promised Update

Well, this one will be short as Father is still talking to me about the results of this week's "weigh in". The results after about 10 days of my efforts are - I gained 4 lbs.

This has led me to do alot of thinking. I feel like the last few days were somewhat of a "Paul week". Do you know what I mean? I say I will not focus on the weight, the goals, the scales or the food .. and what did I do?
I did the very thing I said I would not do.

The very thing of trusting Jesus and walking in obedience with my eyes focused on him was what I wholeheartedly wanted to do; but I did the very thing I did not want to do.

This week I confess, I became obsessed with the scales and I even counted how many baby carrots I ate. So, what to learn from this week? How do I pull a spiritual thought out of this even though my feelings are screaming with how disappointed I am after trying so hard?

So,how do we know when something has been taking up too much of our time and energy? How do we know when something or someone has become too high on the list of importance? I am thinking that a good indicator is how we find ourselves reacting when that "thing" is taken away or the results are different than we had hoped.

Do we continue to praise or are we quickly thrown into a depression? Are we able to look at the facts or do we let our feelings drive us into despair or anxiety?

We read in 1 Peter of all that Jesus didn't do while going through His journey of suffering. But what is the key here is more what Jesus did do; Jesus continued to abide, that is to rest in the Father. He entrusted Himself to the Father at all times. John 15 tells us that even Jesus could not do anything, but only that which was according to His Father.

Are you abiding today? Are you resting in Him that loves you with that deep deep unconditional love that I wrote about a couple days ago? No matter what comes your way this weekend, choose to set your mind on the truth that you are loved to the fullest with no exceptions!

If you hadnt a chance yet, look up The Inheritance by Graham Cooke on Youtube.

Til next time

Jacqueline

"Oh the DEEP DEEP Love of Jesus "

I have been sitting at my desk on this snowy afternoon thinking about the love of God. In a few weeks I will be speaking at a youth retreat, and as I prepare, I am finding myself overwhelmed with gratefulness. The words, "Faith, Hope and Love" keep coming to mind as I think back over my journey since I was 12 years old (the age of the youngest youth to be at the retreat).

It has been quite the ride, and yes with a few bumps along the way; I continue to walk forward. It was neat to realize today that I am now at the place that I can answer yes wholeheartedly to the questions Father has asked of me over the past few years: "Are you willing?" "Do you want to be well?" "Will you surrender to my love NOT just my power?" (and then the harder/heart ones), "Do you know I love you?" and finally, "Will you let me love you?"

I want to cry out loud - Yes, Yes and YES! Sure, it's been an incredible ride so far, but I think I can finally say, I am thankful for all that has led to where I am today.

I think back to where I was at when I was 12 years old, and I wish I would have heard this incredible love story then. Could I have comprehended it then? No, probably not, (as I am still learning what it's all about); but Jesus was faithful the whole journey and He in His faithfulness is going no where. It's all about love; no other ulterior motive. We are created for HIS good pleasure (Philippians 2:13)

It began at the cross; the very reason my best friend Jesus came to this earth (and no, it wasn't about the manger); it was about the cross. The wonderful cross! The message of the cross, the way to live now,the very person we put our faith in, the hope we (as new creations)have now - is all because of what was accomplished on the cross. And what was the motivation for that? Love, pure and simple L-O-V-E

As I think about it with the worship music playing in the background, there was and is absolutely nothing simple about the love of God. In fact the hymn about the "deep deep love of Jesus" sums it up well. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's so deep that we don't even attempt to go deeper than what's comfortable?

Want to take the plunge with me? Let's soak in the LOVE of Jesus!
Have a few minutes more? Take a few minutes to look up on You Tube
The Inheritance by Graham Cooke. It will be well worth your time.

Til next time...

In Him,

Jacqueline

Taking the First Step ..

Have you ever been so scared you felt paralized with the fear?

It can be scarey learning to walk in a new way. I believe that this is what Jesus was getting at when he asked the lame man " Do you wish to be well?".

Well, as part of my journey, I took that scary step and admitted THE "number". I now have someone who knows how much I weigh and is going to keep checking in with me to see where I am at.

I am sorry that today's post seems to choppy, but there is so much on my mind and I need a little longer to digest it all before posting. I promise to continue blogging, and I have decided that Friday will be the day to announce how much I have lost in my weightloss goals.

Let me ask you this: Where are you at with your fears? What is it that has you walking in shame? How badly do you want to be free from your grave clothes? And one final question for you to dwell on, "Do you want to be well?"

That's all for now - til next time

Jacqueline