Well, another week has gone by and Father has been most relentless in his love and pursuit of me. I find that it is when I spend time alone with Him, that is when He can get through to me best. It is when I put everything else aside, and just listein.
Yeah, sometimes I dont like what He he all has to say to me, and sometimes the people he uses to talk to me dont say things that I like to hear, but I am being real and God is not condemning me about that.

Yesterday, someone sent me an email and in that email, mentioned that it is crappy and it does suck, and you know what?? Yeah it does and I can say that and not be worried about being struck down. HOWEVER, I can choose to see God in everything, and I can be assured that as a child of God He is never letting go of me, He will walk right along side me every single step of the way, and He will if I let Him, use it all for HIS good, to conform me into the image of HIS son.

I am praying right now about a few different things, and I am waiting on God to tell me HIS answer.. so in the mean time I will continue to be honest, open and real.

Life is hard sometimes, the trials that are allowed by a loving Father do hurt, and sometimes we don't want to do it any more- but there is hope and it is that that keeps me hanging on.

Til next time
Jacqueline

A friend of mine shared with me last week a really neat thought from the book of Acts, where the story of Stephen being stone was retold.

Stephen was stone for being a faithful follower of Jesus. He would have hurt and he would have been battling all the same feelings that we have when we are treated poorly or in a really tough situation. And yet, he saw Jesus.. and guess what? Jesus was standing when he saw Him.

What does that mean? Was Jesus standing as in making a proclamation that wasnt napping, that he was quite aware of what was going on? or was he standing to make sure Stephen knew that He was not pleased about this??
My friend said that maybe, Jesus was standing in some sort of honour of Stephen? (You know how we stand when we give a standing ovation or when the prime minister or President walks into a room and everyone stands?

Jesus stood for Stephen. Jesus is aware of the hurts and pains and He does not expect us to hide them.

Its hard when the blows keep coming, when you hardly get over one hurt and another one comes your way, but yet in the same time, there has to be a reason. I am a firm believer that nothing happens without a reason. (Now that doesnt mean I willingly accept everything and that I dont balk at it.) I am still struggling with seeing that one person has to go through so much pain in such a little time, but at least Ihave the hope that Father will use it for His good sa long as I dont get in the way.

Well, enough for today, wanted to write something before I get out of the habit of blogging.

Til next time

OKAY So My "Tantrum" Is Over!!

So tonight I am realising a couple things 1. I do not want to be like Jonah who finally surrendered, but only surrendered to God's power and not His love; and then died a bitter man on a hill under a tree 2. I do not want to be like the prodigal son who walked away from God's love.

Father loves me. It is that simple and true and totally unconditionally profound and undeserved! For the past couple of days I have pretty much been having a temper tantrum, and I have treated Father like He does not deserve to be treated. He is love and He is faithful and yes, things may not have gone in my life as I have hoped, but I do know that He will use it for good if I stop dragging my feet and getting in the way.

"Father I love you and I want to be totally abandoned to you and you alone. Thank you that you can handle me not handling it well and that you love me despite me!
Life is hard here Father and I need to know you are there.. but I thank you that I can be honest with you and I dont have to pretend!!"

Til Next time

Jacqueline

Some honest feelings and thoughts ... Will I ever have Joy come to stay?

I am going to be honest. I am sitting here trying to write a paper for Spiritual Formation class, and I can not do it. The paper is on my spiritual growth and map.
To be honest, I don't care. Today is a day when I am openly admitting I am angry. I am angry at how life has gone, angry with myself and choices I have made, angry with a few others who have hurt us and today probably for the first time - I am announcing that I am angry with God.

Before you tell me that I shouldnt be, realise that I know that being angry with God will get me no where. I feel like I am betraying Him ( in the sense that He is the only one that remains faithful, loves completely and unconditionally accepts me) BUT it is what it is.

Why is it that God said to Satan "have you consider my righteous Job?" Was it to bring things to light for Job? Was it to show Job's so called "friends" some lessons? or was it for us who are here and are facing pain? Perhaps it is for all of the above. For we need to get to the point as Job did that He knew about God before but now He KNOWS God.

I know all of that in my head and even in my heart, but right now, we are hurting. I am not liking the story and journey that God has laid our for my family and I guess I have hit a point in my journey that I am angry.

I drew a picture last night of my "relationship" with God. The instructions were to draw a picture of you and God, (preferrably on your worse day). So, the picture I drew was God holding his hammer and chisel. (God does chip away at us doesnt He? He refines us into becoming into HIS image) - however, when I got to drawing God's face, I drew Him with His eyes closed. ( so, he wasnt even looking at me and seeing the pain that I was in) and then I drew a smile on His face. ( He is smiling because He sees the end result of this "masterpiece") BUT my picture would indicate that at my deepest core of beliefs, I believe that God is enjoying the pain that my family and I are in at this time.

Know that I am aware of the lies that I am believing today, but it is where I am at.
I cant sing about giving away more, I cant say that I am willing for more hurt if that is HIS will for me, and I cant openly rejoice. I am not into celebrating anythign right now..
BUT here is the thing that I have repeated before and I know that if you read my facebook profile you have heard it before ... I am really glad that God accepts me , and can handle me not handling it well.

Til next time...

Why do We do the Things We Do?

There is a first line of a song that goes "Why do I do the Things I do?" So many times in my life I do something and then ask myself " why did I just do that? what really did it accomplish? Was that beneficial to me in any way?" I would like to say that I believe, those of us who love Jesus, really dont want to do anything contrary to His word, His wishes and even what we know wont make us "happy" in the end.. BUT YET .. we continually try to meet our own needs by going about our own way, that is living after our flesh. A friend and I were talking, and yes it might appear we want to do that certain action ( like lie, or pig out on chocolate etc etc) but how do we feel later on? We feel guilty. That is a good indicator that we dont really want to do that.

Yesterday I was having a day of "defiance". I knew that there was one solution for my attitude, my thoughts and my feelings. The horrible attitude was starting to spill over on to my behaviour... BUT would I give in? NOPE! I was determined to have a sucky day, a day where I was going to be full of anger and hatred and refuse to do the right thing, think the right thing and even feel the right thing.

Today, guess what? I feel stupid and guilty :) now, before I hear any comments on that - guilt is not a bad thing when it is true. I did not accomplish anything yesterday but making a few bad decisions, and distancing myself from Father. He is there all along and He welcomes hearing my vents,my prayers and yes HE does collect my tears.He is aware of every single one of them.
The thing that I am amazed about the most is - Father can handle me not handling it well and when push comes to shove.. my life is empty when I am not talking to Him. When I try to meet my needs my way, there is no fulfillment.
I might be feeling sad or lonely .. but if I am not talking to Father - the one who gives life and love unconditionally - then I am going to end up feeling and being sad and lonely.

Thanks Father for loving us where we are at. Thank you that you are okay with us when we are not okay with ourselves. Dont stop whatever it is you are doing in us. I dont want any less and I want to be complete in you!

Til next time

Jacqueline