Just a brief update to say "all is well". It has been a quiet journey for me the last couple of weeks, but a much needed time of rest and reflection which has proven to be very beneficial.
In a couple of weeks I will be back to work and getting ready for another school term to resume; I do love routines and I do love bein in school as well. I have been challenged to apply for social work program as well; so we will see where that takes me. I think the school OSAP debt is large enough, but being a social worker has always been a dream of mine; even more than a therapist... both of which I believe I am gifted at.
I continue the journey to understand a label of depression - well actually it falls under the category of "mood disorder". A label doesnt have to change anything; but should give a better understanding of something that is part of who the person is, or what the person (me) has to deal with.
I have entered an embarrassed state at how I handled things but I do feel better than I have in a very long time. I am hoping a brand new normal is going to come out of all of this as I continue to work through, and educate myself.
It definitely gives me a new understanding of others as I think back to those I have come across throughout my journey this far; and I am even more disgusted with Christians who declare judgement on someone - my word of advice for them would be "educate yourself and stop assuming you know it all". There I said it :)
Friday, August 1, 2014
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Hope in it all ...
I was chatting last night very honestly about some of my fears and some of my frustrations with this whole process. I forget things more easily right now; and my organizational skills are not as sharp and proficient as they once were. In fact, I remember someone saying to me after my divorce "Jacqueline you used to be so very organized with all your paper work". Yes, that was correct.. I used to be. Now, if you came to see my home - you would see all my papers nicely placed in baskets on a shelf .. that is about as organized as they get (until its time to make room in baskets for more).
I just finished reading another chapters in the book, and quite frankly I didnt read anything new in it. I read that people who have depression struggle with sharing their true feelings; they are their own worse critic; they have a strong desire to be well and to succeed ... yes most of the time that is correct. But, what I am really liking in this book is that it isnt giving up and deciding Depression Wins. It is living outside of depression; living with Depression but not letting it define you. In fact, the book is now getting into a part of stating the obvious, but then offering the hope that there is a way to rewire a depressed person's brain.
So, my thoughts today are .. Where does this leave the Christian who struggles with Depression?
Well if rewiring the brain around thoughts, truths, emotions and actions are part of healing from depressive episodes; one would think that Christians have a head start in the game with hope... do you think? I couldnt imagine going through life struggling, and not knowing that God had my back. But then again, there are times like everyone, where I still need to remind myself that God is not disappointed in me.
As a Christian, I have:
I still canhave a sense of peace that noone can understand in the midst of the trial' the journey' the struggle.
I feel like today's post was all over the map, but it was good to write and get it out.
That's all for now.
Jacqueline
I just finished reading another chapters in the book, and quite frankly I didnt read anything new in it. I read that people who have depression struggle with sharing their true feelings; they are their own worse critic; they have a strong desire to be well and to succeed ... yes most of the time that is correct. But, what I am really liking in this book is that it isnt giving up and deciding Depression Wins. It is living outside of depression; living with Depression but not letting it define you. In fact, the book is now getting into a part of stating the obvious, but then offering the hope that there is a way to rewire a depressed person's brain.
So, my thoughts today are .. Where does this leave the Christian who struggles with Depression?
Well if rewiring the brain around thoughts, truths, emotions and actions are part of healing from depressive episodes; one would think that Christians have a head start in the game with hope... do you think? I couldnt imagine going through life struggling, and not knowing that God had my back. But then again, there are times like everyone, where I still need to remind myself that God is not disappointed in me.
As a Christian, I have:
- a loving supportive community around me
- hope in knowing that there is One who loves me for me; just how I am
- a friend who will never leave you
- something to be thankful for even when life doesnt feel that way
- the knowledge and belief that God made me with all these emotions
I still canhave a sense of peace that noone can understand in the midst of the trial' the journey' the struggle.
I feel like today's post was all over the map, but it was good to write and get it out.
That's all for now.
Jacqueline
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Depression is ...
Depression is not a stranger to most of us; however it is something that we have heard many opinions on, but perhaps not all truth. I found a book that has been very helpful in explaining and understanding what clinical depression is -
"Undoing Depression - "What Therapy doesnt teach You and Medication Can't Give You" by Richard O'Connor PhD.
Let me share some of the points that have stood out to me - and what I hope to share with my friends and family as they walk along side me in this journey.
Depression is NOT:
There is a lot more I could share, but that seems good for now.
Let me share some of the points that have stood out to me - and what I hope to share with my friends and family as they walk along side me in this journey.
Depression is NOT:
- understood by many
- a sign of weakness
- a feeling
- something that one can simply "get over"
- an illness that only affects the weak, hurting and broken
- sadness or grief
- magically healed by "pulling yourself together"
- always inherited genetically
- cause to give up living or pursueing your dreams
- is a complex condition
- life changing
- an illness - and Depression untreated can lead to perm brain damage - can be life threatening
- sometimes paralyzing
- closely linked with anxiety; being told not to worry or to relax is insensitive advice for people who are living with Depression
- sometimes triggered by trauma, loss, rejection, life changes
- are aware of the stigma that comes with it and constantly hide or fight for that to be changed
- work harder to live than anyone else does - to not want to be done the hard work of living
- see life differently; and when in a Depression flair up - feel like depression controls them
- have coping mechanisms that have helped them survive; but in reality often help them hide
- fear being emotionally out of control
- fear making poor decisions and choices
- often give up
- like to have people lead and make decisions for them
- do not like to be alone long as they arent always hopeful they will make good choices.
- often overadapt trying to mask how they are really feeling
- are capable of holding professional jobs, being parents and succeeding in what they strive to do
- need continued affirmation, love, encouragement and time with friends /family
- are not striving to be happy; but rather to live with vitality - and a freedom to experience and feel every possible emotion
- need to work hard to remember they are capable and to let people into their walls of protection
There is a lot more I could share, but that seems good for now.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Relief in Knowing ...
When my Dad went to the doctor and he was told "yes, your concerns are valid, you do have cancer"; or the woman who wasnt understanding what she was doing wrong, but no matter how hard she tried her husband was distant with her; later to find out that he was having an affair. Or, perhaps the tired teen ager who couldnt manage to keep up, and then a simple blood test confirmed Mono.
In all these situations, there was a small sense of relief . Relief in having an answer; even though the answer wasnt necessarily what we were hoping to hear; the answer provided some clarity and perhaps direction on the next steps to take.
The last 8 years I have struggled much of the time inwardly; and sometimes outwardly as well. There were times where there was a cloud; or a heaviness that I didnt seem to understand (nor did I appreciate as it impacted my life in a variety of ways). I didnt know what it was about; and I would spend many hours trying to figure it out and analyze myself; only to become frustrated as I couldnt seem to put my finger on it.
I would know that I have so many things to be thankful for; and in fact MANY people I know who are friends of mine would tell me constantly "oh Jacqueline look how God has blessed you; we have so much to be thankful for; keep counting your blessings". While that was all true and great encouragement from my well meaning friends; instead of making me feel better; it often made me feel worse (as as you read this you are probably remembering some of my previous blogs about this very struggle). It was often a self induced attack of guilt for not being thankful enough; and for not being able to "get it together". Well... the time has come that I now have a small sense of "relief in knowing ..."
I hesitate in writing about this as many will question, judge and possibly criticize; but I also feel like there may be others who can actually relate. Who knows, maybe together we can come to an understanding without the guilt and shame that sometimes comes along with this topic to be discussed.
As many of you read - last year I was in the hospital for a couple weeks. I dont know what foresure brought it on. If it was burnout; depression; grief .. I dont know. But for a year now since being released; I have spent much of my time trying to know, to understand and to figure out what was wrong; because then I would some how be able to stop it from ever happening again.. whatever it was. And, to be honest, I probably spent much of the time trying to prove to everyone that I could do it; and that I was not dealing with any mental illness... even mild depression.
I was put on meds a year ago, a fairly calm med; but because it was winter; I had decided that perhaps part of my issue was the "winter blues"; or perhaps slight SADD - which is seasonaly depression (which many people struggle through every winter). So, in order to eliminate that, I decided to go through an entire winter while on medication and then decide if I felt they helped or not. And, if things were the same; I had decided that meant I did NOT have depression at all; and therefore the meds were not needed or required. HOWEVER, what that also would have meant (in my own self analysis) was - Jacqueline was responsible for her moods and needed to become a "better christian with a much more thankful heart" and "get her act together".
Well, a year came and went with ups and down; but also other transitions in life (including a wedding of my son and daughter in law). So to keep my word to myself, I in my own limited experience with medications, decided to go off my medication cold turkey and to "get on with life".
Fast forward 6 weeks... I was anxious, teary, moody, unable to make decisions, forgetful and easily aggravated and constantly irritable. Conclusion? I was in withdrawal AND indeed the meds had been helping. SO what was the next step in my irrational decision making? I decided to go back on my medication - full dose immediately. What did this then do? Sent my body into a complete shock of the entire system. Ya, not a pretty picture ... BUT, all this to say - there was relief in knowing WHY I was so upset and anxious.
Not, only that.. but I have come to learn and am still working on accepting that I indeed do suffer with Depression and will probably be managing this the rest of my life.
So, like the examples I shared at the beginningof this post - there is some relief in knowing. Because now I can move forward. First step? Yes, admitting I have depression. It is not me; it will not define me; and I am capable inspite of having this illness. But .. yes - I am Jacqueline who is a loving capable woman; who is God's daughter and yes, she happens to have depression.
Let the educating begin .... my next post will likely be sharing some of what I have come to learn and understand.
That's all for now ..
Jacqueline
In all these situations, there was a small sense of relief . Relief in having an answer; even though the answer wasnt necessarily what we were hoping to hear; the answer provided some clarity and perhaps direction on the next steps to take.
The last 8 years I have struggled much of the time inwardly; and sometimes outwardly as well. There were times where there was a cloud; or a heaviness that I didnt seem to understand (nor did I appreciate as it impacted my life in a variety of ways). I didnt know what it was about; and I would spend many hours trying to figure it out and analyze myself; only to become frustrated as I couldnt seem to put my finger on it.
I would know that I have so many things to be thankful for; and in fact MANY people I know who are friends of mine would tell me constantly "oh Jacqueline look how God has blessed you; we have so much to be thankful for; keep counting your blessings". While that was all true and great encouragement from my well meaning friends; instead of making me feel better; it often made me feel worse (as as you read this you are probably remembering some of my previous blogs about this very struggle). It was often a self induced attack of guilt for not being thankful enough; and for not being able to "get it together". Well... the time has come that I now have a small sense of "relief in knowing ..."
I hesitate in writing about this as many will question, judge and possibly criticize; but I also feel like there may be others who can actually relate. Who knows, maybe together we can come to an understanding without the guilt and shame that sometimes comes along with this topic to be discussed.
As many of you read - last year I was in the hospital for a couple weeks. I dont know what foresure brought it on. If it was burnout; depression; grief .. I dont know. But for a year now since being released; I have spent much of my time trying to know, to understand and to figure out what was wrong; because then I would some how be able to stop it from ever happening again.. whatever it was. And, to be honest, I probably spent much of the time trying to prove to everyone that I could do it; and that I was not dealing with any mental illness... even mild depression.
I was put on meds a year ago, a fairly calm med; but because it was winter; I had decided that perhaps part of my issue was the "winter blues"; or perhaps slight SADD - which is seasonaly depression (which many people struggle through every winter). So, in order to eliminate that, I decided to go through an entire winter while on medication and then decide if I felt they helped or not. And, if things were the same; I had decided that meant I did NOT have depression at all; and therefore the meds were not needed or required. HOWEVER, what that also would have meant (in my own self analysis) was - Jacqueline was responsible for her moods and needed to become a "better christian with a much more thankful heart" and "get her act together".
Well, a year came and went with ups and down; but also other transitions in life (including a wedding of my son and daughter in law). So to keep my word to myself, I in my own limited experience with medications, decided to go off my medication cold turkey and to "get on with life".
Fast forward 6 weeks... I was anxious, teary, moody, unable to make decisions, forgetful and easily aggravated and constantly irritable. Conclusion? I was in withdrawal AND indeed the meds had been helping. SO what was the next step in my irrational decision making? I decided to go back on my medication - full dose immediately. What did this then do? Sent my body into a complete shock of the entire system. Ya, not a pretty picture ... BUT, all this to say - there was relief in knowing WHY I was so upset and anxious.
Not, only that.. but I have come to learn and am still working on accepting that I indeed do suffer with Depression and will probably be managing this the rest of my life.
So, like the examples I shared at the beginningof this post - there is some relief in knowing. Because now I can move forward. First step? Yes, admitting I have depression. It is not me; it will not define me; and I am capable inspite of having this illness. But .. yes - I am Jacqueline who is a loving capable woman; who is God's daughter and yes, she happens to have depression.
Let the educating begin .... my next post will likely be sharing some of what I have come to learn and understand.
That's all for now ..
Jacqueline
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Loving Others ... His way
I have reread a few of my last blogs and realize that I was definitely in a struggle for a couple of months. I was writing about the struggle; the war inside and yet have come to believe that I am a normal Christian. In fact, a very well known author wrote me a letter and said "What kind of Christian are you anyways? Normal thats what!" .. I am/ you are/ we are loved beyond anything we can even imagine. Whether we are currently struggling or not. And I have come to firmly believe that it is healthy to struggle. As my pastor friend said "It shows that there is something worth fighting for".
Ok, enough about that .. I want to write today about something that has been on my mind off and on over the last couple of weeks. (I make no promises the thoughts will flow, but I am writing them down, lest I forget.) :)
Maybe its because we just celebrated both Mother's and Father's day; but Facebook has recently been full of quotes; pictures; and status' about loving others. And the more I read, the more I am being convicted about what that should look like. The message is in what I am reading; and in the songs I sing and listen to - there is a conviction stirring deeper in me; even though I continue to have much to learn about love and acceptance myself.
It doesnt take many brains to know that everyone wants love; but this time, I am not writing about me being loved or God being love... but rather, I have been thinking about - WHO He calls us to love and HOW He wants us to love. I wonder how many of us actually do love the people He does, and in the way HE does?
I was falling asleep last night and I was listening to Chris Tomlin's acoustic version of "I Will Follow You" and the line that stood out to me was "Who you love I'll love, who you serve I'll serve."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XnPL3LtxpA
I thought of Jesus and the people He loved (yes everyone); but He especially went out of His way to love those who others had labelled the 'unloveable'. I bet there is at least one person who came to mind now who you have a hard time loving. Right?
Two passages came to my mind on this ... first Jer 29 from our sermon last Sunday; vs 7 says to pray for your city you are in . In this passage, the children of Israel are in the city of their enemies. The very people who in the past had raped; killed; abused; and beaten their people/ their friends/their families. Just like in Jonah, God was asking that the people of the city be prayed for and I believe He wanted the people to be loving to all of those around.
It wasnt about their own personal comfort, but rather it was about the salvation of the city; in it God did promise to protect, but ultimately, it was not about them and their comfort.. but rather "for the sake of the world" (Currently series at LifeSpring Christian Fellowship, Waterloo).
The second passage is perhaps well known to most; but I think covers the topic well and is packed full of what love is; who we are to love; how we are to love ; why we are to love - Take a read of I John 4: 7-21 when you have time, stay there a while with me; as thats where I am parked right now.
To quote from "The Voice" - "Its easy to say "I love God", but genuine love reflects God's love. If we belong to God, then we will love each other regardless of how hard love is."
Lots more to think through... thats all for now
Jacqueline
Ok, enough about that .. I want to write today about something that has been on my mind off and on over the last couple of weeks. (I make no promises the thoughts will flow, but I am writing them down, lest I forget.) :)
Maybe its because we just celebrated both Mother's and Father's day; but Facebook has recently been full of quotes; pictures; and status' about loving others. And the more I read, the more I am being convicted about what that should look like. The message is in what I am reading; and in the songs I sing and listen to - there is a conviction stirring deeper in me; even though I continue to have much to learn about love and acceptance myself.
It doesnt take many brains to know that everyone wants love; but this time, I am not writing about me being loved or God being love... but rather, I have been thinking about - WHO He calls us to love and HOW He wants us to love. I wonder how many of us actually do love the people He does, and in the way HE does?
I was falling asleep last night and I was listening to Chris Tomlin's acoustic version of "I Will Follow You" and the line that stood out to me was "Who you love I'll love, who you serve I'll serve."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XnPL3LtxpA
I thought of Jesus and the people He loved (yes everyone); but He especially went out of His way to love those who others had labelled the 'unloveable'. I bet there is at least one person who came to mind now who you have a hard time loving. Right?
Two passages came to my mind on this ... first Jer 29 from our sermon last Sunday; vs 7 says to pray for your city you are in . In this passage, the children of Israel are in the city of their enemies. The very people who in the past had raped; killed; abused; and beaten their people/ their friends/their families. Just like in Jonah, God was asking that the people of the city be prayed for and I believe He wanted the people to be loving to all of those around.
It wasnt about their own personal comfort, but rather it was about the salvation of the city; in it God did promise to protect, but ultimately, it was not about them and their comfort.. but rather "for the sake of the world" (Currently series at LifeSpring Christian Fellowship, Waterloo).
The second passage is perhaps well known to most; but I think covers the topic well and is packed full of what love is; who we are to love; how we are to love ; why we are to love - Take a read of I John 4: 7-21 when you have time, stay there a while with me; as thats where I am parked right now.
To quote from "The Voice" - "Its easy to say "I love God", but genuine love reflects God's love. If we belong to God, then we will love each other regardless of how hard love is."
Lots more to think through... thats all for now
Jacqueline
Saturday, June 7, 2014
this war inside is still there ..
There is still a war inside .. and I am tired of fighting!
Sometimes I am fully aware of all that I have and all that has been done for me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude; and the worship and praise come easy. Other times however, I still want more. I feel unrest and I feel like there is this gigantic gap ; and because I feel that way; I am ashamed that it must mean I dont think God is enough.
But then I wonder, do I really feel that way or have religious people put that in my head with messages like "I cant be sad; feel unrest and still be a "good enough" Christian?"
Sometimes I sing with a loud heartfelt voice 'Christ is Enough' - and I mean every note that I sing; and then other times I feel unsatisfied and wonder how dare I sing those songs? What kind of a Christ follower am I ? Again, deep down, there is no way that voice is from God as He doesnt speak in condemnation; however I do know He asks big questions like "do you love me? do you trust me? am I enough for you? who is your king?"
Which then leads to reciting the memorized verses from days past; taking all the verses that were written to be encouraging; but sadly I remember the shame messages attached from "great men of faith". So instead of resting in the truth of His word; I then hear a deep voice "Well if you were His child - you would hear His voice; so either you arent His child or you arent listening". That voice cant be from God who loves me.
I wonder though, what if the verse "my sheep hear my voice " - actually is to be a message of love? maybe it should be interpreted as " Because you are my child/ my sheep ; you will be able to hear me, I will not ignore you, I will answer you and be there for you" .... wonder maybe??
Sometimes I am aware He calls me lovely and loves me ; but then I become so very angry and overwhelmed with myself; that I am not yet content with that.
I feel angry that I so easily forget, or I still want more. I admitted that there are days that I yearn for someone to stand up for me, take my side and defend me. But then a friend pastor challenges me with -"He died for you, isnt that enough?" Those words arent spoken in condemnation, but are a strong gentle reminder; someone DID pay the ultimate price of standing up for me. I (you) was worth dying for.
He is good all the time; He desires us to know Him and the power of resurrection .. so if that is true (and I believe it is) - then the only thing in the way .. is me. There is no magic formula He is holding back; so it comes down to me. My fault that I am not getting it. There is something I am not getting or believing or understanding or perhaps letting go of. And then the cycle returns to the beginning of me frustrated with me ...
There is this conflict going on inside and I am tired of it. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired of fighting; and yet I know its worth fighting for. We were made to know Him, to rest in Him ... the cross did the work; and yet .. what is it that I still struggle with ? Why is there a struggle? ANSWER PLEASE!
I write this knowing I am not the only one .. trite answers do not help the hurting and I wont give them anymore to anyone. People are intelligent, and they do not need to be told to just pray more, read more, trust more, be more thankful ... or .. maybe they do?
God hear our hearts; God hear my prayer... please show me not only so that I can rest, but also so I can make a difference for others too. I guess this is a fight worth fighting for; if it wasnt I wouldnt bother fighting!
all for now ..
Jacqueline
Sometimes I am fully aware of all that I have and all that has been done for me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude; and the worship and praise come easy. Other times however, I still want more. I feel unrest and I feel like there is this gigantic gap ; and because I feel that way; I am ashamed that it must mean I dont think God is enough.
But then I wonder, do I really feel that way or have religious people put that in my head with messages like "I cant be sad; feel unrest and still be a "good enough" Christian?"
Sometimes I sing with a loud heartfelt voice 'Christ is Enough' - and I mean every note that I sing; and then other times I feel unsatisfied and wonder how dare I sing those songs? What kind of a Christ follower am I ? Again, deep down, there is no way that voice is from God as He doesnt speak in condemnation; however I do know He asks big questions like "do you love me? do you trust me? am I enough for you? who is your king?"
Which then leads to reciting the memorized verses from days past; taking all the verses that were written to be encouraging; but sadly I remember the shame messages attached from "great men of faith". So instead of resting in the truth of His word; I then hear a deep voice "Well if you were His child - you would hear His voice; so either you arent His child or you arent listening". That voice cant be from God who loves me.
I wonder though, what if the verse "my sheep hear my voice " - actually is to be a message of love? maybe it should be interpreted as " Because you are my child/ my sheep ; you will be able to hear me, I will not ignore you, I will answer you and be there for you" .... wonder maybe??
Sometimes I am aware He calls me lovely and loves me ; but then I become so very angry and overwhelmed with myself; that I am not yet content with that.
I feel angry that I so easily forget, or I still want more. I admitted that there are days that I yearn for someone to stand up for me, take my side and defend me. But then a friend pastor challenges me with -"He died for you, isnt that enough?" Those words arent spoken in condemnation, but are a strong gentle reminder; someone DID pay the ultimate price of standing up for me. I (you) was worth dying for.
He is good all the time; He desires us to know Him and the power of resurrection .. so if that is true (and I believe it is) - then the only thing in the way .. is me. There is no magic formula He is holding back; so it comes down to me. My fault that I am not getting it. There is something I am not getting or believing or understanding or perhaps letting go of. And then the cycle returns to the beginning of me frustrated with me ...
There is this conflict going on inside and I am tired of it. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired of fighting; and yet I know its worth fighting for. We were made to know Him, to rest in Him ... the cross did the work; and yet .. what is it that I still struggle with ? Why is there a struggle? ANSWER PLEASE!
I write this knowing I am not the only one .. trite answers do not help the hurting and I wont give them anymore to anyone. People are intelligent, and they do not need to be told to just pray more, read more, trust more, be more thankful ... or .. maybe they do?
God hear our hearts; God hear my prayer... please show me not only so that I can rest, but also so I can make a difference for others too. I guess this is a fight worth fighting for; if it wasnt I wouldnt bother fighting!
all for now ..
Jacqueline
Friday, April 18, 2014
Good Friday reflections..
I have two thoughts to share with you.
1. We sat at church this morning - eating together and reflecting on the message of the cross .. communing! I came home and began thinking about how for so many years I could hardly handle attending Good Friday service; in fact I avoided them for a few years during hard times of my life.
The pain in my life was hard enough; and I felt like I had enough of the guilt and shame feelings.
Some of you are thinking "GOOD you should feel uncomfortable on Good Friday - we should remember all He went through for us and maybe if we remembered the pain and agony we wouldnt want to disobey Him."
And yet, without wanting to sound disrespectful - it shouldnt just be once a year; it also isnt all about the pain and agony. My God doesnt want us walking around in the guilt and shame. The cross dealt with that! I dont have to be solem like at a funeral to know what He has done for me.
He isnt dead - He is alive. He dealt with the old me .. in fact Galatians 2:20 says that the old me died there too. Why do we have to be solem about that? This is something wonderful and worth celebrating and being thankful and excited about. So .. today I celebrated. I loved the whole entire morning and while I am very reflective - I am also VERY thankful and no longer walking around feeling mournful on Good Friday. Thank you for the cross - thank you loving us. You paid a debt you did NOT owe!
I guess I believe we can be reflective and aware of all that happened at the cross without needing to be brought to a place of mourning; or of shame, guilt and the reminder of the "horrible sinners" we were. We know - we were there. But that person no longer exists. Yes I still sin - but I am a NEW creation.
Thank you for the cross! Thank you because of the cross I am new.Thank you that you have raised us to NEWNESS of life. Thank you that because of your great love for us - you provided a way for us to have this LIFE .. to have Jesus .. your very presence dwelling inside of us. Insert Song: REDEEMED or HAPPY DAY or Glorious Day :)
2. What did stand out to me today (as we read from Matthew 27), was the reminder that Jesus did not speak a mean word in retaliation as a response to the accusations, insults, betrayals and rejections. He remained silent . Isaiah says like a lamb to a slaughter; and yet He remained silent.
This past week I went through some rejection and betrayal; and immediately I felt crushed and then the need to "fix" the story; to defend myself and then I began taking steps to protect myself and to distance myself from the person spreading the story that was full of hurt and lies.
Then this morning: Jesus reminded me of how He was silent and still loved even after many people were done using Him for what they could get; and now were the ones demanding and participating in His cruel death! Jesus was innocent and remained innocent. He chose to love!
(I do want to quickly say, that choosing to love does not always mean reconciliation. Nor does it always mean relationship restored and many times loving someone means that new boundaries need to be in place.)
I was however left with the question: "Jacqueline, will you still choose to love that person? Will you love whether that person ever changes or not?" in fact, "what if that person's behaviour gets worse? Will you love - in my name? "
Last Sunday at church Pastor Shane Pickel talked about choosing life, choosing hope, choosing faith and choosing to love. This has been very applicable to what my week has entailed.
Thats all for now ..
Jacqueline
1. We sat at church this morning - eating together and reflecting on the message of the cross .. communing! I came home and began thinking about how for so many years I could hardly handle attending Good Friday service; in fact I avoided them for a few years during hard times of my life.
The pain in my life was hard enough; and I felt like I had enough of the guilt and shame feelings.
Some of you are thinking "GOOD you should feel uncomfortable on Good Friday - we should remember all He went through for us and maybe if we remembered the pain and agony we wouldnt want to disobey Him."
And yet, without wanting to sound disrespectful - it shouldnt just be once a year; it also isnt all about the pain and agony. My God doesnt want us walking around in the guilt and shame. The cross dealt with that! I dont have to be solem like at a funeral to know what He has done for me.
He isnt dead - He is alive. He dealt with the old me .. in fact Galatians 2:20 says that the old me died there too. Why do we have to be solem about that? This is something wonderful and worth celebrating and being thankful and excited about. So .. today I celebrated. I loved the whole entire morning and while I am very reflective - I am also VERY thankful and no longer walking around feeling mournful on Good Friday. Thank you for the cross - thank you loving us. You paid a debt you did NOT owe!
I guess I believe we can be reflective and aware of all that happened at the cross without needing to be brought to a place of mourning; or of shame, guilt and the reminder of the "horrible sinners" we were. We know - we were there. But that person no longer exists. Yes I still sin - but I am a NEW creation.
Thank you for the cross! Thank you because of the cross I am new.Thank you that you have raised us to NEWNESS of life. Thank you that because of your great love for us - you provided a way for us to have this LIFE .. to have Jesus .. your very presence dwelling inside of us. Insert Song: REDEEMED or HAPPY DAY or Glorious Day :)
2. What did stand out to me today (as we read from Matthew 27), was the reminder that Jesus did not speak a mean word in retaliation as a response to the accusations, insults, betrayals and rejections. He remained silent . Isaiah says like a lamb to a slaughter; and yet He remained silent.
This past week I went through some rejection and betrayal; and immediately I felt crushed and then the need to "fix" the story; to defend myself and then I began taking steps to protect myself and to distance myself from the person spreading the story that was full of hurt and lies.
Then this morning: Jesus reminded me of how He was silent and still loved even after many people were done using Him for what they could get; and now were the ones demanding and participating in His cruel death! Jesus was innocent and remained innocent. He chose to love!
(I do want to quickly say, that choosing to love does not always mean reconciliation. Nor does it always mean relationship restored and many times loving someone means that new boundaries need to be in place.)
I was however left with the question: "Jacqueline, will you still choose to love that person? Will you love whether that person ever changes or not?" in fact, "what if that person's behaviour gets worse? Will you love - in my name? "
Last Sunday at church Pastor Shane Pickel talked about choosing life, choosing hope, choosing faith and choosing to love. This has been very applicable to what my week has entailed.
Thats all for now ..
Jacqueline
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)