There is still a war inside .. and I am tired of fighting!
Sometimes I am fully aware of all that I have and all that has been done for me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude; and the worship and praise come easy. Other times however, I still want more. I feel unrest and I feel like there is this gigantic gap ; and because I feel that way; I am ashamed that it must mean I dont think God is enough.
But then I wonder, do I really feel that way or have religious people put that in my head with messages like "I cant be sad; feel unrest and still be a "good enough" Christian?"
Sometimes I sing with a loud heartfelt voice 'Christ is Enough' - and I mean every note that I sing; and then other times I feel unsatisfied and wonder how dare I sing those songs? What kind of a Christ follower am I ? Again, deep down, there is no way that voice is from God as He doesnt speak in condemnation; however I do know He asks big questions like "do you love me? do you trust me? am I enough for you? who is your king?"
Which then leads to reciting the memorized verses from days past; taking all the verses that were written to be encouraging; but sadly I remember the shame messages attached from "great men of faith". So instead of resting in the truth of His word; I then hear a deep voice "Well if you were His child - you would hear His voice; so either you arent His child or you arent listening". That voice cant be from God who loves me.
I wonder though, what if the verse "my sheep hear my voice " - actually is to be a message of love? maybe it should be interpreted as " Because you are my child/ my sheep ; you will be able to hear me, I will not ignore you, I will answer you and be there for you" .... wonder maybe??
Sometimes I am aware He calls me lovely and loves me ; but then I become so very angry and overwhelmed with myself; that I am not yet content with that.
I feel angry that I so easily forget, or I still want more. I admitted that there are days that I yearn for someone to stand up for me, take my side and defend me. But then a friend pastor challenges me with -"He died for you, isnt that enough?" Those words arent spoken in condemnation, but are a strong gentle reminder; someone DID pay the ultimate price of standing up for me. I (you) was worth dying for.
He is good all the time; He desires us to know Him and the power of resurrection .. so if that is true (and I believe it is) - then the only thing in the way .. is me. There is no magic formula He is holding back; so it comes down to me. My fault that I am not getting it. There is something I am not getting or believing or understanding or perhaps letting go of. And then the cycle returns to the beginning of me frustrated with me ...
There is this conflict going on inside and I am tired of it. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired of fighting; and yet I know its worth fighting for. We were made to know Him, to rest in Him ... the cross did the work; and yet .. what is it that I still struggle with ? Why is there a struggle? ANSWER PLEASE!
I write this knowing I am not the only one .. trite answers do not help the hurting and I wont give them anymore to anyone. People are intelligent, and they do not need to be told to just pray more, read more, trust more, be more thankful ... or .. maybe they do?
God hear our hearts; God hear my prayer... please show me not only so that I can rest, but also so I can make a difference for others too. I guess this is a fight worth fighting for; if it wasnt I wouldnt bother fighting!
all for now ..
Jacqueline
1 comment:
Here's a related question someone recently asked: “Ralph, how do we crucify the flesh?” That’s a big-time question, so my answer reflects it.
From our ancestor’s exit from the Garden of Eden, man’s existence has been flesh, not spirit. We could never live—not from God’s perspective—by or in the flesh. So God sent Jesus to bring to an end our fleshly existence. By living a perfect life, dying for us on the cross and rising again, Jesus set us free from a system (Law) and an existence (flesh) in which we could only fail. (See Romans 8:1-4.)
When we receive Jesus, we are born spirit and receive His nature, and are no longer of or in the flesh—we’re of and in the Spirit. So while the flesh still hangs around(!), it is no longer us. We, then, set our hope and focus upon the Spirit, who, in union with us—the new and real us—produces the life of Christ. And that’s pretty great!
We, the Spirit born, new creation sons and daughters of God, can no longer sin. The apostle Paul wrote that when he did what he didn’t want to do, it was “…no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh” (Rom 7:17-18). Flesh is the problem; we are no longer the problem. If we believe we are still the problem, we’ll make war on our presumed selves and compound the problem. Flesh was always be the problem, but it is our problem no longer. We don’t live there! It isn’t us! We now live by and in the Spirit. We will never be in the flesh again. (See Romans 8:9-14)
It is my belief then that living by the Spirit means He both produces the life of Christ in us, and He wins the battle that He is having with the flesh. You can find all of this in Galatians 5:16-18 and 6:8. But to sum up, “our role” in this is to believe what God thinks He has done for us through Christ (crucified us and raised us new), and to offer ourselves, give our focus, or sow to the Spirit inside of us that He may produce the life of Christ in us and through us. This is how I live! And this is how we now crucify the flesh—we consider it done through Christ, and offer ourselves to the Spirit, who lives inside of us. And He has a blast!
I don’t pretend that this is always easy. I sometimes grow weary or distracted or disappointed and, when the flesh offers some hope of control or of satisfaction (a lie), I sometimes offer myself to it—and on come the acts of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21). But they’re not MY acts; they are ITS acts through me (Galatians 5:19). Fortunately, the Spirit always captures my attention, turning my thoughts toward Him, and not only is the mind set on the Spirit life and peace (Romans 8:6), but the production of the Spirit begins all over again—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). And then I get all happy-good and, faith and sanity restored, gladly offer myself to the Spirit. You know what that means: in my experience, the flesh is crucified.
Hooray!
This is a big-time answer, but your question is also big-time. Have fun chewing. (By the way, I've written extensively about this in my book, "God's Astounding Opinion of You." Have you read it? If you're interested, I'd be happy to send you a free copy. Just say so.)
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