Good Friday reflections..

I have two thoughts to share with you.

1. We sat at church this morning - eating together and reflecting on the message of the cross .. communing! I came home and began thinking about how for so many years I could hardly handle attending Good Friday service; in fact I avoided them for a few years during hard times of my life.

The pain in my life was hard enough; and I felt like I had enough of the guilt and shame feelings.
Some of you are thinking "GOOD you should feel uncomfortable on Good Friday - we should remember all He went through for us and maybe if we remembered the pain and agony we wouldnt want to disobey Him."

And yet, without wanting to sound disrespectful -  it shouldnt just be once a year; it also isnt all about the pain and agony. My God doesnt want us walking around in the guilt and shame. The cross dealt with that! I dont have to be solem like at a funeral to know what He has done for me.

He isnt dead - He is alive. He dealt with the old me .. in fact Galatians 2:20 says that the old me died there too.  Why do we have to be solem about that? This is something wonderful and worth celebrating and being thankful and excited about. So .. today I celebrated. I loved the whole entire morning and while I am very reflective - I am also VERY thankful and no longer walking around feeling mournful on Good Friday. Thank you for the cross  - thank you loving us. You paid a debt you did NOT owe!

I guess I believe we can be reflective and aware of all that happened at the cross without needing to be brought to a place of mourning; or of shame, guilt and the reminder of the "horrible sinners" we were. We know - we were there. But that person no longer exists. Yes I still sin - but I am a NEW creation.

Thank you for the cross! Thank you because of the cross I am new.Thank you that you have raised us to NEWNESS of life. Thank you that because of your great love for us - you provided a way for us to have this LIFE .. to have Jesus .. your very presence dwelling inside of us. Insert Song: REDEEMED  or HAPPY DAY or Glorious Day :)

2. What did stand out to me today (as we read from Matthew 27), was the reminder that Jesus did not speak a mean word in retaliation as a response to the accusations, insults, betrayals and rejections. He remained silent . Isaiah says like a lamb to a slaughter; and yet He remained silent.

This past week I went through some rejection and betrayal; and immediately I felt crushed and then the need to "fix" the story; to defend myself and then I began taking steps to protect myself and to distance myself from the person spreading the story that was full of hurt and lies.

Then this morning: Jesus reminded me of how He was silent and still loved even after many people were done using Him for what they could get; and now were the ones demanding and participating in His cruel death! Jesus was innocent and remained innocent. He chose to love!

(I do want to quickly say, that choosing to love does not always mean reconciliation. Nor does it always mean relationship restored and many times loving someone means that new boundaries need to be in place.)

I was however left with the question: "Jacqueline, will you still choose to love that person? Will you love whether that person ever changes or not?" in fact, "what if that person's behaviour gets worse? Will you love - in my name? "

Last Sunday at church Pastor Shane Pickel talked about choosing life, choosing hope, choosing faith and choosing to love. This has been very applicable to what my week has entailed.

Thats all for now ..

Jacqueline

To clamor or not to clamor - that is the question

A few words keep going around in my head this morning since I posted my last post on God’s love. The words are Complacent; Clamor and as a result of looking up clamor; I was led to look up the meaning of vehement. Let me first define the words then attempt to tie them together to express my thought.

Complacent: to be pleased, especially with oneself or one’s merit and/or situation; self-satisfied. Synonyms: smug, unbothered, untroubled.

Clamor: a loud uproar; a vehement expression of desire or dissatisfaction; to drive, force, influence

Vehement: zealous, impassioned; strongly emotional, intense or passionate; marked by great energy or exertion; strenuous

 

Okay, so how does one rest in knowing that “He who began a good work in me will complete it” and yet not become complacent? I never want to be satisfied and think that I know that I know everything about God. And yet, by my last post you have seen by now that I sometimes still doubt;  I do not claim to know; but I do need to rest and be assured. To hunger and thirst – seems to me to be actions – verbs.

We can know His love; I do believe that is possible; I just haven’t totally arrived there yet. But should be still clamor to know more of it and to know Him more intimately?

Someone said to me that I should clamor to know Him; to clamor for a bigger truer vision of God. How does one force it? What is my part to do and what is my part to rest in? I cant think that its my right to ask Him for more; to show me more – for what else can we ask Him to do? Really!! But at the same time, I want to know Him, I want to trust Him , I want to do HIS kingdom things and to not settle or less than His will.

This  leaves us asking, do I demand and fast; or do I seek first His kingdom and keep walking and talking with Him and then everything else falls in line?

We have to ask ourselves as well:  Do I truly want Him and His will because that is all that I desire? Or is it because I know that nothing else really satisfies and there is no point in striving for anything less?

Welcome to my wondering thoughts … That’s all for now.

God's Love

Yesterday at church we discussed three stages of love.
On a personal note - loved it liked it and hated it.

For a church discussion- Shane nailed it.

My take away and summary of Pastor Shane's message. May or may not be accurate.

1. Love Perceived:
- person in this stage knows there is love out there ( I am spkg specifically about God's love)
- this person knows there is more to relationship with God then religion and attending church; he or she may or may not continue with church. They may give up.
- I suppose this person can be believers or not

2. Love Received:
- person in this stage has received God's love
- I would think is saved; knows he or she is lost without God
- this person battles constantly between resting in the love and acceptance of God and striving and working for His approval ( and other's approval as well I assume)
- up and down
- moments of knowing but then moments of doubting
- fear doubt guilt comes to play here ( As a counselor I wonder the correlation between people who have been abused rejected addicted - who may linger longer in this stage)
- the religious traditional christian also lingers here for they dont know any different than doing what is right, tything regularly, attending church and memorizing for sake of knowledge

3. Love Believed:
- I dont have much to say about this; I admit I have not been in this stage ever .. Maybe briefly?
- in this stage- the person I assume has as scripture said " tasted and seen"
- no doubt ; can rest in knowing its all about Him and there is never any doubt to God's loveand acceptance
-  this person does not live perfectly but is perfectly loved - I guess that applies to all stages- except this person knows it; knows they are loved perfectly
- I would add that they know that they know that they know

Questions we were send home to think about

1. Do I believe in love?
2. Do I believe in God's love?
3. How do I know of God's love or How do I know its true?

I believe in love because I look at my heart for my children and know that is love.
I also feel the hurt when I am starving for human love and affection

I believe in God's love - why else would his son have died?
Do I fully embrace and understand the total incredibleness ( if thats a word) of His love? Nope.

Its easier for me to answer how do I know I havent received completely His love? Because I still doubt. I fear Him at times; I doubt I am good enough at times; I strive to please Him many times a week and I am consumed with guilt and I sometimes distance myself when I feel like I have let Him down or I believe I need to fix me before I should even vunteer to be of any service to Him

Still a work in progress - yup

Jacqueline

Perspective ..

A year ago I wondered how I would survive the raging emotions that were causing such darkness. This year, the thoughts are different - Not dark, not overwhelming - but definitely worth wrestling through.

This I know - I am not near as afraid anymore
This I know - I dont feel alone hardly ever
This I know - God is so pleased when we speak whats on our heart as He knows the truth anyways
This I know - I am ok being me; but will stay teachable - take me as I am if you want me
This I know - there is more to know  .. but I love what He is showing me.
This I know - I feel healthier than I ever have - like everything else a work in progress
This I know - I want God's way - even if it means letting go of some of my plans.
This I know - I believe the only ones that are "disqualified" are ones who cant admit their own stuff

This I know - my view of God is not near big enough .. BUT it is changing & growing daily

The word for the last couple of weeks has been PERSPECTIVE

Perspective: a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

 

synonyms:

outlook, view, viewpoint, point of view, POV, standpoint, position, stand, stance, angle, slant, attitude, frame of mind, frame of reference, approach, way of looking, interpretation

Perspective on reality
Perspective on others feelings towards you (me)
Perspective on God's thoughts and feelings towards you (me)
Perspective on future
Perspective on truth

- all comes from a frame of reference; lens of the past

As Pastor Shane says - God give us a bigger clearer vision of you

This I believe will change perspective on how we (I) face anything - anyone.


That's all for today

Jacqueline

This I know ..

These are my thoughts. They are not all mine, some are from meeting with others who are struggling ... and yes, some are mine.

This I know - God is going no where
This I wonder - what makes Him stay when we repeatedly fail Him?

This I know - God doesnt care if I ask Him questions or have doubts
This I wonder - Why do other Christians judge when we are honest?

This I know - When Jesus comes to stay He is there forever!
This I wonder - Why if we have Jesus do we strive for more? Why is He not enough?

This I know - all kinds of people I respect say that Jesus is their everything and that they dont need to be married. This I also know - those same people are married - would they say the same if they were married once and now divorced or widowed? How come they tried so hard to find a spouse if Jesus was enough?

This I know -  sometimes the nonchristians in my life are more understanding and accepting
The most hurt I have suffered has been from people who claim to love and accept people unconditionally. BUT - This I also know - I also judge and hold christians to a higher standard; I am no better.

This I know - church should be a safe place to be yourself - warts and all. To not be scared that if they REALLY knew me .. they might not love me or want me around.

This I also know - many of my friends have been most hurt by christians who said they would walk with them through their struggle; but then judged and stopped being their friend.

This I wonder - why is it easier for Christians to love those in the  "world" than fellow Christians who are not living like they "should"? Why do Christians look at their neighbours as a project to save - instead of just loving them as people?

This I know - I am a work in progress.
This I also know - I get tired of trying to be and look like others think I should be.

I also know that I am done trying to fit into anyone else's mold for me. I still struggle, I still doubt. I still have pride, I still fail, I still have emotional melt downs, I am not the perfect friend, employee, mother, daughter, counsellor, church attendee and I am tired of thinking I have to be.
I know I need to figure out who I am and just rest and be me.

This I know - God loves the girl on the corner; the druggie at the bus stop, the man or woman in jail JUST AS MUCH as He loves you, me. pastor, teacher  or wife, husband, missionary ...

I also am coming to know that even though I dont understand some of Hebrews - I am pretty sure my God does NOT give warnings to His children that if we dont do this and this ... then look out.
It just doesnt fit.  Otherwise, we would NEVER be able to enter His rest. AND then we are all in trouble -  well at least I will admit I am in that case.

I also know that I am NOT at peace. There I said it.
I am not pleased with how Jacqueline lives every day. Sure somedays my behaviour is more "Acceptable" to myself; but other days I am angry at the choices I make, words I say, actions I do out of feelings .. people I have either hurt, offended or let down.

LOOK at what God has done for us? Instead of being thankful as I should be and ought to be .. I am frustrated that I only see it as more reason to never fail Him, or desire human friendship. And... therefore I am failing Him by not living in a constant state of hope or thankfulness and contentness.

I am done singing songs that I cant truly honestly say.
I cant say He is everything everything .
I can say HE should be and deserves to be
I can sing songs about Jesus Messiah .. but I am done singing songs that say things contrary to how I live.
I want it .. oh I want it. And I want it to be true. I get frustrated with myself for not letting Jesus be EVERYTHING

Is it a holy unrest? maybe. As I have prayed loudly "break my heart for what breaks yours|"; "Open our eyes to the things that make HIS heart cry .."

Is it a place of surrender - as in I give up? maybe. or, maybe its more defeat than surrender.

Is it .. show me your love and help me to love more ? Maybe.

Is it a good spot to be in and wrestle through? yes I believe so for the most part.
Someone I Trust said that last week to me.. so I am going to go with that. (Of course Satan has been whispering pretty loudly that all of this doubt and admission disqualifies me and that I should step back, shut my mouth and not even pray until I "get it together and walk in constant peace and truth")

This I know -  I am not the only Christian person to struggle with this.
and sadly this I also know - some will judge this post. Even if its to say I shouldnt have posted it.

However I also know - there are others who are honest who will also say "what you too?" So glad you are honest it helps me to be.

Thats all for today

Jacqueline