Over the past couple of days, I have been working on changing my thoughts on something. I have had this thinking for as long as I could remember - that FEELINGS were something that got in the way of truth. God's word tells us to "not be anxious", to "set our minds on things above" to " rejoice without ceasing" so I believed that letting myself "FEEL" was wrong. If I felt sad - then I was therefore having that "stinkin Thinkin" and I was thinking the "Wrong way". (Oh what lies I have believing). If I admitted I was sad, or mad or frustrated or feeling overwhelmed, then I was therefore being a "weak christian" or I was not "trusting" in Jesus well enough.
A friend said to me last week " what if I hit you across the face? what would be the "correct" way to feel about that?" he had a very good point. There is no right or wrong .. feelings just are.
Why is it that we put feelings in categories? Why is it that much of the time we analize to see if we have a "right" to feel a certain way before we actually let ourselves feel? Does the widow who's husband was killed in a helicopter crash have a right to be sad for over a year? OF COURSE she does! Does a child have a right to feel angry if someone hurt them? sure why not!
It is amazing how long I have believed this lie. I am slowly working through my thoughts on all of this. So here is a confession - I am sad and I am angry right now about some of the events that have happened as of late in my family. ( Hey imagine that? I didnt get struck with a lightening rod) LOL
Emotions are neither good nor bad.. and if they could be bad, then would that not conclude then that God created something that was bad?
Hmm, I think I will close for now!
Til next time,
Jacqueline
Monday, February 23, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Can I share something with you? A few weeks ago I was encouraged to dwell on the book of Philippians, I read it some, but more to "obey" and say that I did. Since then, life's circumstances went in a direction I was not expecting. Today I decided I should read and do just what I was asked to do.
I am trying to put myself there with Paul. Paul is in prison, probably cold and hungry. And, what was it that Paul was doing with his time? Was he in the pit "sulking and pouting"? No, he was thinking of others and of course, setting his mind on Jesus and what Jesus was doing in the lives around him. From the prison guards, to the churches, to his friends who have encouraged and supported him - his eyes were NOT on himself.
What I appreciate is that Paul didnt pretend to be happy about everything, for he wished he could die. He was torn, He knew that to die woudl be gain for him; BUT for Jesus and for others, he was to be here still. He didnt pretend he didnt have feelings - but his perspective was good. He could rejoice because of who he was in Christ and also could rejoice because of what was being accomplished - (oh to have God's perspective on everything is the key!!!)
This past Monday night at Growing in Grace, I was reminded of a couple things things - One was the fact that we too will learn to depend on , abide in, lean on and to obey through suffering, just as Jesus did (Heb 5:8) and when we suffer.. we will fellowship in sufferings with Christ ( Phil 3:10). Who am I to think that I have "had my fill of losses" - there is still much to lose for Christ if that is what HE requires of me. SO, am I willing?
Am I going to surrender and submit to what is being done?or I am going to pout? Today, I am staying home trying to gather my thoughts, "fix" my perspective and to change my attitude about everything. The stress of everything has started to hit and I am facing reality - I do need to set my mind on things above.. to see things from God's perspective. For HE is LOVE and I may not see the whole picture, but He is GOOD and HE LOVES ME... so will I submit to what is being done? or will I continue to pretend I am ok and be strong?
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SO, that said, despite all the good Father has done - I have realised that I have spent a good part of the last 3 1/2 years trying to rebuild the damage that had been done. Trying to find confidence in myself, rebuilding my reputation, getting over my "feelings" that were taking over my life; fixing my circumstances, trying to be the best mom I could be, trying to provide for my family and trying to get my needs met thru myself - I want with my heart to only want Jesus, but I was still keeping Him at a distance. I didnt want to trust again and I wanted to be "strong enough" in myself to survive this. It would ( and still does) make me so angry that I missfriends haivng a spouse at home, or that I was wanting to be around people. I wanted so badly to be able to want nothign but Jesus. AND, I wanted to be strong .. to not break down.. to not feel .. * WOW - there is alot of me, myself and I in those last sentances.. that is where my heart has been... my focus has been on me alot of the time. And its time that changes.
When people made comments to me about "see how strong you are" part of me was thrilled that is what they saw, ( I wanted them to see Jesus.. but part of me was proud that I was doing it ok) but inside I was crying out for them to see that I was actually falling apart. I cant do this on my own. I am not strong and I still have a very selfish heart. I still have flesh that I depend on way too often, and yes I admit, I have not been very loving to everyone. This past week I have yelled at my kids way too often, i have pouted and sulked and yes, I have ran away from classes, people and my own feelings WAY too often. All in an attempt to protect me - myself.
I admit, it sometimes feels good to be angry and to not like what is happening. And, yes, part of me believes that R shoudl suffer in this too. Part of me doesnt want to see those that hurt me do well, and part of me enjoys it when things dont go well for my "enemies". But - what does this say about Jacqueline? It says that she is letting bitterness and selfishness take over her thoughts and feelings. It is saying that I am thinking of me and not submitting to Father. It says that I was/am being very selfish and self centred.
Its ok to be real, but It is important that I change my attitude on this. I am sad, its ok to be sad, but its important to stay in that position of submission and when I am in that position, he can bless me, change me, transform me and use me even more.
so, that's all.. thought I would share.
Jacqueline
I am trying to put myself there with Paul. Paul is in prison, probably cold and hungry. And, what was it that Paul was doing with his time? Was he in the pit "sulking and pouting"? No, he was thinking of others and of course, setting his mind on Jesus and what Jesus was doing in the lives around him. From the prison guards, to the churches, to his friends who have encouraged and supported him - his eyes were NOT on himself.
What I appreciate is that Paul didnt pretend to be happy about everything, for he wished he could die. He was torn, He knew that to die woudl be gain for him; BUT for Jesus and for others, he was to be here still. He didnt pretend he didnt have feelings - but his perspective was good. He could rejoice because of who he was in Christ and also could rejoice because of what was being accomplished - (oh to have God's perspective on everything is the key!!!)
This past Monday night at Growing in Grace, I was reminded of a couple things things - One was the fact that we too will learn to depend on , abide in, lean on and to obey through suffering, just as Jesus did (Heb 5:8) and when we suffer.. we will fellowship in sufferings with Christ ( Phil 3:10). Who am I to think that I have "had my fill of losses" - there is still much to lose for Christ if that is what HE requires of me. SO, am I willing?
Am I going to surrender and submit to what is being done?or I am going to pout? Today, I am staying home trying to gather my thoughts, "fix" my perspective and to change my attitude about everything. The stress of everything has started to hit and I am facing reality - I do need to set my mind on things above.. to see things from God's perspective. For HE is LOVE and I may not see the whole picture, but He is GOOD and HE LOVES ME... so will I submit to what is being done? or will I continue to pretend I am ok and be strong?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SO, that said, despite all the good Father has done - I have realised that I have spent a good part of the last 3 1/2 years trying to rebuild the damage that had been done. Trying to find confidence in myself, rebuilding my reputation, getting over my "feelings" that were taking over my life; fixing my circumstances, trying to be the best mom I could be, trying to provide for my family and trying to get my needs met thru myself - I want with my heart to only want Jesus, but I was still keeping Him at a distance. I didnt want to trust again and I wanted to be "strong enough" in myself to survive this. It would ( and still does) make me so angry that I missfriends haivng a spouse at home, or that I was wanting to be around people. I wanted so badly to be able to want nothign but Jesus. AND, I wanted to be strong .. to not break down.. to not feel .. * WOW - there is alot of me, myself and I in those last sentances.. that is where my heart has been... my focus has been on me alot of the time. And its time that changes.
When people made comments to me about "see how strong you are" part of me was thrilled that is what they saw, ( I wanted them to see Jesus.. but part of me was proud that I was doing it ok) but inside I was crying out for them to see that I was actually falling apart. I cant do this on my own. I am not strong and I still have a very selfish heart. I still have flesh that I depend on way too often, and yes I admit, I have not been very loving to everyone. This past week I have yelled at my kids way too often, i have pouted and sulked and yes, I have ran away from classes, people and my own feelings WAY too often. All in an attempt to protect me - myself.
I admit, it sometimes feels good to be angry and to not like what is happening. And, yes, part of me believes that R shoudl suffer in this too. Part of me doesnt want to see those that hurt me do well, and part of me enjoys it when things dont go well for my "enemies". But - what does this say about Jacqueline? It says that she is letting bitterness and selfishness take over her thoughts and feelings. It is saying that I am thinking of me and not submitting to Father. It says that I was/am being very selfish and self centred.
Its ok to be real, but It is important that I change my attitude on this. I am sad, its ok to be sad, but its important to stay in that position of submission and when I am in that position, he can bless me, change me, transform me and use me even more.
so, that's all.. thought I would share.
Jacqueline
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
To Know You More ...
So, I wrote a blog for class today and decided to share it on this blog since nothing I shared is about anyone else. So... here it is .. wasnt sure what to write this week, as my thoughts are all over the place. Last Friday in class, I was personally having a battle and I was in somewhat of a "fighting" mood - however I did appreciate the conversations around
Henri Nouwen's book "The Return of the Prodigal". I have read that book, and have been challenged of late to see myself in it. In our group discussion we discussed seeing things from a different perspective. Not looking at scripture the same way as we have always seen it, but to look at it differently. For example, with the story of the "Prodigal Son", how often do we read that story and look at it from the view of the older son? How about us, do we think that we have to work and work to earn the love of our Father? Do we get upset and jealous when others seem to get a "party thrown in their honour", (even though we have remained faithful this whole time?) or what about the Father? Have you ever noticed that the story found in Luke 15 actually begins with "There was a man who had two sons" that indicates to me that this story is really about the Father, but perhaps we have made it about the son?
I struggled with making prayer "demands" on Jesus to heal, and yet I understand where the discussion was going. If we like Brother Lawrence are in constant communion ( that is constant abiding) with the Father, then when we pray we will be praying according to Father's will. We will be so "in tune" that we will know when Father asks us to pray for healing and when it is time for our dear brother or sister to be done with this life and end the battle with cancer.
It was neat in our group time to hear of personal examples of how God has made real what He wanted to show us. Father uses birds, seasons and many other things to get our attention and make His truth and love known to us.
This past week has been a hard one for me personally, and to be honest the last thing I feel like doing is writing this blog.
The feeling to run away to the mountains is so intense, and yet I do know thatI don't have to run to the mountains to be with Jesus. He is right here with me, every moment, living and experiencing it all with me. It has been most assuring to know that even in the midst of our own "muck and mire" God is faithful, God is soverign and God is love. It was a good reminder to me in our group time, that God is God and we are not!
To be at the point where we can be honest with how we are feeling and yet be willing to surrender our will for Father's is what has been hitting me the most this week. Do we really know what we are saying when we say, "whatever you want Father" ? or how about when we sing "everything I have, everything I am is yours" or one more to think about, "take my life and do what you want with it". If you have had much taken away, lost or stolen, you know how hard it is to keep losing things and people you love.
Well, what if that is part of the plan for your life? What if I am to lose everything for the sake of knowing Christ? To be able to say as Paul did (Phil 3:8)."I count all things but loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ" .
Father, show us what (if anything) is in the way of knowing you.. really really knowing you. Show us how we can know you more and more and more. Remind us of your love and presense in every situation. We want to know you and we long to hear you say one day " well done my faithful Child.
Henri Nouwen's book "The Return of the Prodigal". I have read that book, and have been challenged of late to see myself in it. In our group discussion we discussed seeing things from a different perspective. Not looking at scripture the same way as we have always seen it, but to look at it differently. For example, with the story of the "Prodigal Son", how often do we read that story and look at it from the view of the older son? How about us, do we think that we have to work and work to earn the love of our Father? Do we get upset and jealous when others seem to get a "party thrown in their honour", (even though we have remained faithful this whole time?) or what about the Father? Have you ever noticed that the story found in Luke 15 actually begins with "There was a man who had two sons" that indicates to me that this story is really about the Father, but perhaps we have made it about the son?
I struggled with making prayer "demands" on Jesus to heal, and yet I understand where the discussion was going. If we like Brother Lawrence are in constant communion ( that is constant abiding) with the Father, then when we pray we will be praying according to Father's will. We will be so "in tune" that we will know when Father asks us to pray for healing and when it is time for our dear brother or sister to be done with this life and end the battle with cancer.
It was neat in our group time to hear of personal examples of how God has made real what He wanted to show us. Father uses birds, seasons and many other things to get our attention and make His truth and love known to us.
This past week has been a hard one for me personally, and to be honest the last thing I feel like doing is writing this blog.
The feeling to run away to the mountains is so intense, and yet I do know thatI don't have to run to the mountains to be with Jesus. He is right here with me, every moment, living and experiencing it all with me. It has been most assuring to know that even in the midst of our own "muck and mire" God is faithful, God is soverign and God is love. It was a good reminder to me in our group time, that God is God and we are not!
To be at the point where we can be honest with how we are feeling and yet be willing to surrender our will for Father's is what has been hitting me the most this week. Do we really know what we are saying when we say, "whatever you want Father" ? or how about when we sing "everything I have, everything I am is yours" or one more to think about, "take my life and do what you want with it". If you have had much taken away, lost or stolen, you know how hard it is to keep losing things and people you love.
Well, what if that is part of the plan for your life? What if I am to lose everything for the sake of knowing Christ? To be able to say as Paul did (Phil 3:8)."I count all things but loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ" .
Father, show us what (if anything) is in the way of knowing you.. really really knowing you. Show us how we can know you more and more and more. Remind us of your love and presense in every situation. We want to know you and we long to hear you say one day " well done my faithful Child.
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