When my Dad went to the doctor and he was told "yes, your concerns are valid, you do have cancer"; or the woman who wasnt understanding what she was doing wrong, but no matter how hard she tried her husband was distant with her; later to find out that he was having an affair. Or, perhaps the tired teen ager who couldnt manage to keep up, and then a simple blood test confirmed Mono.
In all these situations, there was a small sense of relief . Relief in having an answer; even though the answer wasnt necessarily what we were hoping to hear; the answer provided some clarity and perhaps direction on the next steps to take.
The last 8 years I have struggled much of the time inwardly; and sometimes outwardly as well. There were times where there was a cloud; or a heaviness that I didnt seem to understand (nor did I appreciate as it impacted my life in a variety of ways). I didnt know what it was about; and I would spend many hours trying to figure it out and analyze myself; only to become frustrated as I couldnt seem to put my finger on it.
I would know that I have so many things to be thankful for; and in fact MANY people I know who are friends of mine would tell me constantly "oh Jacqueline look how God has blessed you; we have so much to be thankful for; keep counting your blessings". While that was all true and great encouragement from my well meaning friends; instead of making me feel better; it often made me feel worse (as as you read this you are probably remembering some of my previous blogs about this very struggle). It was often a self induced attack of guilt for not being thankful enough; and for not being able to "get it together". Well... the time has come that I now have a small sense of "relief in knowing ..."
I hesitate in writing about this as many will question, judge and possibly criticize; but I also feel like there may be others who can actually relate. Who knows, maybe together we can come to an understanding without the guilt and shame that sometimes comes along with this topic to be discussed.
As many of you read - last year I was in the hospital for a couple weeks. I dont know what foresure brought it on. If it was burnout; depression; grief .. I dont know. But for a year now since being released; I have spent much of my time trying to know, to understand and to figure out what was wrong; because then I would some how be able to stop it from ever happening again.. whatever it was. And, to be honest, I probably spent much of the time trying to prove to everyone that I could do it; and that I was not dealing with any mental illness... even mild depression.
I was put on meds a year ago, a fairly calm med; but because it was winter; I had decided that perhaps part of my issue was the "winter blues"; or perhaps slight SADD - which is seasonaly depression (which many people struggle through every winter). So, in order to eliminate that, I decided to go through an entire winter while on medication and then decide if I felt they helped or not. And, if things were the same; I had decided that meant I did NOT have depression at all; and therefore the meds were not needed or required. HOWEVER, what that also would have meant (in my own self analysis) was - Jacqueline was responsible for her moods and needed to become a "better christian with a much more thankful heart" and "get her act together".
Well, a year came and went with ups and down; but also other transitions in life (including a wedding of my son and daughter in law). So to keep my word to myself, I in my own limited experience with medications, decided to go off my medication cold turkey and to "get on with life".
Fast forward 6 weeks... I was anxious, teary, moody, unable to make decisions, forgetful and easily aggravated and constantly irritable. Conclusion? I was in withdrawal AND indeed the meds had been helping. SO what was the next step in my irrational decision making? I decided to go back on my medication - full dose immediately. What did this then do? Sent my body into a complete shock of the entire system. Ya, not a pretty picture ... BUT, all this to say - there was relief in knowing WHY I was so upset and anxious.
Not, only that.. but I have come to learn and am still working on accepting that I indeed do suffer with Depression and will probably be managing this the rest of my life.
So, like the examples I shared at the beginningof this post - there is some relief in knowing. Because now I can move forward. First step? Yes, admitting I have depression. It is not me; it will not define me; and I am capable inspite of having this illness. But .. yes - I am Jacqueline who is a loving capable woman; who is God's daughter and yes, she happens to have depression.
Let the educating begin .... my next post will likely be sharing some of what I have come to learn and understand.
That's all for now ..
Jacqueline
