I have reread a few of my last blogs and realize that I was definitely in a struggle for a couple of months. I was writing about the struggle; the war inside and yet have come to believe that I am a normal Christian. In fact, a very well known author wrote me a letter and said "What kind of Christian are you anyways? Normal thats what!" .. I am/ you are/ we are loved beyond anything we can even imagine. Whether we are currently struggling or not. And I have come to firmly believe that it is healthy to struggle. As my pastor friend said "It shows that there is something worth fighting for".
Ok, enough about that .. I want to write today about something that has been on my mind off and on over the last couple of weeks. (I make no promises the thoughts will flow, but I am writing them down, lest I forget.) :)
Maybe its because we just celebrated both Mother's and Father's day; but Facebook has recently been full of quotes; pictures; and status' about loving others. And the more I read, the more I am being convicted about what that should look like. The message is in what I am reading; and in the songs I sing and listen to - there is a conviction stirring deeper in me; even though I continue to have much to learn about love and acceptance myself.
It doesnt take many brains to know that everyone wants love; but this time, I am not writing about me being loved or God being love... but rather, I have been thinking about - WHO He calls us to love and HOW He wants us to love. I wonder how many of us actually do love the people He does, and in the way HE does?
I was falling asleep last night and I was listening to Chris Tomlin's acoustic version of "I Will Follow You" and the line that stood out to me was "Who you love I'll love, who you serve I'll serve."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XnPL3LtxpA
I thought of Jesus and the people He loved (yes everyone); but He especially went out of His way to love those who others had labelled the 'unloveable'. I bet there is at least one person who came to mind now who you have a hard time loving. Right?
Two passages came to my mind on this ... first Jer 29 from our sermon last Sunday; vs 7 says to pray for your city you are in . In this passage, the children of Israel are in the city of their enemies. The very people who in the past had raped; killed; abused; and beaten their people/ their friends/their families. Just like in Jonah, God was asking that the people of the city be prayed for and I believe He wanted the people to be loving to all of those around.
It wasnt about their own personal comfort, but rather it was about the salvation of the city; in it God did promise to protect, but ultimately, it was not about them and their comfort.. but rather "for the sake of the world" (Currently series at LifeSpring Christian Fellowship, Waterloo).
The second passage is perhaps well known to most; but I think covers the topic well and is packed full of what love is; who we are to love; how we are to love ; why we are to love - Take a read of I John 4: 7-21 when you have time, stay there a while with me; as thats where I am parked right now.
To quote from "The Voice" - "Its easy to say "I love God", but genuine love reflects God's love. If we belong to God, then we will love each other regardless of how hard love is."
Lots more to think through... thats all for now
Jacqueline
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
this war inside is still there ..
There is still a war inside .. and I am tired of fighting!
Sometimes I am fully aware of all that I have and all that has been done for me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude; and the worship and praise come easy. Other times however, I still want more. I feel unrest and I feel like there is this gigantic gap ; and because I feel that way; I am ashamed that it must mean I dont think God is enough.
But then I wonder, do I really feel that way or have religious people put that in my head with messages like "I cant be sad; feel unrest and still be a "good enough" Christian?"
Sometimes I sing with a loud heartfelt voice 'Christ is Enough' - and I mean every note that I sing; and then other times I feel unsatisfied and wonder how dare I sing those songs? What kind of a Christ follower am I ? Again, deep down, there is no way that voice is from God as He doesnt speak in condemnation; however I do know He asks big questions like "do you love me? do you trust me? am I enough for you? who is your king?"
Which then leads to reciting the memorized verses from days past; taking all the verses that were written to be encouraging; but sadly I remember the shame messages attached from "great men of faith". So instead of resting in the truth of His word; I then hear a deep voice "Well if you were His child - you would hear His voice; so either you arent His child or you arent listening". That voice cant be from God who loves me.
I wonder though, what if the verse "my sheep hear my voice " - actually is to be a message of love? maybe it should be interpreted as " Because you are my child/ my sheep ; you will be able to hear me, I will not ignore you, I will answer you and be there for you" .... wonder maybe??
Sometimes I am aware He calls me lovely and loves me ; but then I become so very angry and overwhelmed with myself; that I am not yet content with that.
I feel angry that I so easily forget, or I still want more. I admitted that there are days that I yearn for someone to stand up for me, take my side and defend me. But then a friend pastor challenges me with -"He died for you, isnt that enough?" Those words arent spoken in condemnation, but are a strong gentle reminder; someone DID pay the ultimate price of standing up for me. I (you) was worth dying for.
He is good all the time; He desires us to know Him and the power of resurrection .. so if that is true (and I believe it is) - then the only thing in the way .. is me. There is no magic formula He is holding back; so it comes down to me. My fault that I am not getting it. There is something I am not getting or believing or understanding or perhaps letting go of. And then the cycle returns to the beginning of me frustrated with me ...
There is this conflict going on inside and I am tired of it. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired of fighting; and yet I know its worth fighting for. We were made to know Him, to rest in Him ... the cross did the work; and yet .. what is it that I still struggle with ? Why is there a struggle? ANSWER PLEASE!
I write this knowing I am not the only one .. trite answers do not help the hurting and I wont give them anymore to anyone. People are intelligent, and they do not need to be told to just pray more, read more, trust more, be more thankful ... or .. maybe they do?
God hear our hearts; God hear my prayer... please show me not only so that I can rest, but also so I can make a difference for others too. I guess this is a fight worth fighting for; if it wasnt I wouldnt bother fighting!
all for now ..
Jacqueline
Sometimes I am fully aware of all that I have and all that has been done for me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude; and the worship and praise come easy. Other times however, I still want more. I feel unrest and I feel like there is this gigantic gap ; and because I feel that way; I am ashamed that it must mean I dont think God is enough.
But then I wonder, do I really feel that way or have religious people put that in my head with messages like "I cant be sad; feel unrest and still be a "good enough" Christian?"
Sometimes I sing with a loud heartfelt voice 'Christ is Enough' - and I mean every note that I sing; and then other times I feel unsatisfied and wonder how dare I sing those songs? What kind of a Christ follower am I ? Again, deep down, there is no way that voice is from God as He doesnt speak in condemnation; however I do know He asks big questions like "do you love me? do you trust me? am I enough for you? who is your king?"
Which then leads to reciting the memorized verses from days past; taking all the verses that were written to be encouraging; but sadly I remember the shame messages attached from "great men of faith". So instead of resting in the truth of His word; I then hear a deep voice "Well if you were His child - you would hear His voice; so either you arent His child or you arent listening". That voice cant be from God who loves me.
I wonder though, what if the verse "my sheep hear my voice " - actually is to be a message of love? maybe it should be interpreted as " Because you are my child/ my sheep ; you will be able to hear me, I will not ignore you, I will answer you and be there for you" .... wonder maybe??
Sometimes I am aware He calls me lovely and loves me ; but then I become so very angry and overwhelmed with myself; that I am not yet content with that.
I feel angry that I so easily forget, or I still want more. I admitted that there are days that I yearn for someone to stand up for me, take my side and defend me. But then a friend pastor challenges me with -"He died for you, isnt that enough?" Those words arent spoken in condemnation, but are a strong gentle reminder; someone DID pay the ultimate price of standing up for me. I (you) was worth dying for.
He is good all the time; He desires us to know Him and the power of resurrection .. so if that is true (and I believe it is) - then the only thing in the way .. is me. There is no magic formula He is holding back; so it comes down to me. My fault that I am not getting it. There is something I am not getting or believing or understanding or perhaps letting go of. And then the cycle returns to the beginning of me frustrated with me ...
There is this conflict going on inside and I am tired of it. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired of fighting; and yet I know its worth fighting for. We were made to know Him, to rest in Him ... the cross did the work; and yet .. what is it that I still struggle with ? Why is there a struggle? ANSWER PLEASE!
I write this knowing I am not the only one .. trite answers do not help the hurting and I wont give them anymore to anyone. People are intelligent, and they do not need to be told to just pray more, read more, trust more, be more thankful ... or .. maybe they do?
God hear our hearts; God hear my prayer... please show me not only so that I can rest, but also so I can make a difference for others too. I guess this is a fight worth fighting for; if it wasnt I wouldnt bother fighting!
all for now ..
Jacqueline
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