Glorious Mess ... I must confess

This week I sum up all my thoughts in the phrase "Glorious Mess". This is the third blog post I have attempted to write; and with each one I get deeper into looking at the depths of my heart.

I write this I am fearful of how it will be received. And yet, the very idea that I am fearful confirms what Father has been telling me this week. Why is the acceptance of people so very important if you really know I love and accept you?

I spend my week walking with others and many hours immersed in Father's word. And yet, when asked the other week when do I get away with Father for my own time, I had no real answer. The dear lady didn't know the can she was opening when she asked that, and as I began to dwell on that, other stuff began to surface that I indeed needed to spend a few days acknowledging and talking with Father about. That simple question was indeed a word from God. (Thank you LG).

It is to be expected that we hurt when we find out someone has hurt or betrayed us; but how deep it cuts, how much damage is done can lead to determine how much weight and value we put in the acceptance of that person. I have come to see that what people thought of me still really mattered to me. But what does that say to God who is the one who has made me acceptable? It says that I have been thinking that because I am acceptable, I need to maintain that by acting accordingly. And if I didn't act accordingly, then I was coming to the conclusion that I possibly wasn't totally acceptable. And, then the vicious cycle began ...

In this reality check I have also seen that One of the struggles has been that I have felt this immense pressure to "have it all together". Now that I am in full time ministry I had "better get it right" mentality. Last year I an intern student, so of course I was allowed (even expected) to make mistakes. But now that I had graduated, it was time to "walk the talk perfectly" ... well so I thought.

You know those scarey prayers we pray in a time of vulnerability and when life is going well? The prayers that say, help me to know you better or how about the one I prayed not more then a month ago, "show me any wickedness in me; show me where I still have unbelief". Well .. .He is faithful to the cries of His beloved.

You know how I posted not long ago how I love to sing even in the hard times? Well, a week ago yesterday I heard some news that rocked my world, and while there is nothing wrong with being hurt by hearing the news (in fact it would be more concerning not to be hurt); this week it has kind of turned everything inside of me upside down. So, the song I sing? nothing right now. I still believe everyword that song says - for HE is BLESSED and wonderful and glorious - even when the sun is not shining ... but, my own personal "song" has gone. I have tried in my efforts to get it back more then once. I have made myself turn music on, and nothing. If you know me well I love to sing, I sing in many weird situations without even thinking (just ask my kids); but for now, my song is gone. Like I started off saying, I am a mess ...

Last night about 10:30pm I received a call that a man I know died suddenly. Fell over and went to home to be with Jesus. I spent an hour or so trying to figure out if there was any way this wasn't true; and then I realized that even in this, Father was wanting to show me more of what I believed.

In His faithfulness He used several situations this week to bring some more of my imperfections to the surface. That is, He used it for HIS good and I am thankful. While I still do not have all the answers, I was able to see some of what I had been believing.

You see, although I know to a degree the acceptance of God and that HIS acceptance is enough, I still struggle. I struggle and strive. How do I know that I still struggle? By the degree in which I am hurt when someone hurts me, talks badly about me, misinterprets me and rejects me.

Without coming out and directly saying it (until this week), I had even determined in my head that if people were going to keep hurting me, that's okay, I will just be done with expecting anything from them. That way, no matter what anyone says or does, I will be okay. (or in other words, I will protect Jacqueline from further hurt and disappointment by protecting herself and not trusting Father enough to handle it when I can't). What a mess ...

I confess that there is still much to be learned. I take great comfort in reading how many times the apostle Paul had to say "I have learned", or even "I am still learning".

I can confess that although I know Jesus more today then I did 3 years ago, there is still growth needed in my knowing Him intimately and learning to trust. I want Him to be my everything; my all in all. So when "mere man" say or does something that cuts I will be okay, for I would know that I know, that I know, that I know,I was loved and accepted by Father.

I am encouraged when I read about the disciples in God's word. For they were face to face with Jesus,and yet they had to learn trust. They had to learn to depend and their faith had to grow. That all being said, I am so jealous for they were physically with our saviour, our older brother. They leaned into Him, they saw His love and compassionate face. Imagine getting a big hug right this minute from someone who REALLY knew you and you didnt have to try and explain your heart? That is intimacy. In fact that is what Father's heart is for us right now, and yet we strive to get more of it? We have Him in a different way then they did. I am one with Him, I do not need to wait for Him to come back from his time with Father, for I can experience all of Him now.

God's word tells us that we are HIS ambassadors. We are the light and the salt in this world and if the disciples had to learn, we too must remember we are to learn. So, as messy as I still am; how there are days that I feel like I am an emotional soupy mess; I am His ambassador ... I am not simply a mess; I am a "glorious mess".

We are in a process, He is continuing to sanctify and refine me that which He has already sanctified, justified and declare HIS acceptable daughter. How about you? Will you join me in learning to rest and have our belief increased? At Crossways to Life this month, Ross has been teaching on Hebrews and the verse that is firmly implanted on my mind right now is found in Hebrews 4:10 - those who have entered HIS rest, has ceased from their own work .. their own striving.

In our glorious mess, join me as we learn to rest. To accept what was done for us and to us on that cross. That we may seek HIM alone.

That's all for now

Jacqueline