Trying To Change Who I Am And How I Am Wired ...

I have spent the majority of this past week thinking through the why I am feeling the way I am feeling. Of course, it doesnt stop there; I then decide that I should judge whether I should be feeling the way I am or not. I then proceed to think about whether I am responding outwardly in a "good enough" manner. From there I look at how I have treated my friends; family and coworker. After that, I start to feel guilty for all the times that I didnt respond the way "I think I should have". I then begin to make goals to respond better the next time (because of course somewhere in there I have concluded that I have not reacted good enough; and that I SHOULD have stuffed my emotions; or at least been more "godly" while crying).

What is the biggest problem with everything I just wrote in the previous paragraph (and dont say the grammer) I think, if I counted right; there is 19 or 20 uses of the word "I".

What does that tell me about where my focus has been?

Father has declared me perfectly acceptable. Father has made me HIS daughter and is really not concerned with how I am reacting to sad news.
The only reason I would be so worried about those things would be that I am concerned about being acceptable or "good enough". Whether that be to my friends, co workers, family or even to God.

My friends are moving away, and while that may seem silly to some of you; it has hit me pretty hard. here have been many loses for me in the last few years, and as much as I try not to; I find myself reliving some of the other loses as well.

I wish them all the best; and I am honestly excited for the people in Ottawa to be able to experience knowing my friends. I know that they are going where God has said to go; BUT at the same time, it hurts and will leave a hole for a while. I am however; done analysing if I am reacting in the way I "should"; I feel the way I feel.

I found this quote the other day and it seems fitting for today's post:

"Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak." — William P. Young (The Shack)

That's all for today; til next time

Jacqueline