Last January I started a new leg of my journey. At Father's prompting, I began to be more transparent about my thoughts, feelings and the work that Father is doing in me. I fought this for a while as some of what Father was asking me to be transparent about were secret thoughts that noone knew. (There are still days that I wonder what exactly Father is hoping to accomplish through me being transparent).
I have not been completely honest as of late, with my journey with the weight loss. My initial goal was 20 lbs before graduation. I reached 19lbs and then out of fear of failing, I never went in to weigh again before grad. I didnt want the number on the scale to ruin my grad day. After that, I did gain a few pounds after being on my short little holiday, but since then, I have let my fear get in the way of being transparent. I honestly don't know where I am at (number wise), but I do know this - in this time Father has shown me that there is still a deeper work that He wants to do in me. He has promised to further sanctify me through and through - SPIRIT SOUL AND BODY (I Thess 5:23). If stepping on the scale has that much power over me; then there is much more to be learned of His great love for me.
If I am nervous to admit mistakes to my boss, then there is much more to be learned; if I am striving to maintain some sense of "acceptability" in my performance; then I have yet to know how very acceptable and loved I really am. If I can't say no without feeling guilty, then I need to sit and hear from Father what that is all about.
I was reading today a verse that I blogged about back in January. The verses are found in 1 John. This time I will quote from the New Living Translation:
3:1 - see how very much our Father loves us, for He calls us His children, and that is what we are ...
3:16 - we know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us
4:7 - love comes from God
4:17 ... as we live in God, our love grows more perfect
4:18 .. God's kind of love is perfect; expels ALL fear. If we are afraid it is fear ... this shows that we have not fully experienced HIS perfect love
So, today I lay it all out there; here I Am. I am keeping my promise to be transparent. Jacqueline has much to learn about the love of Father. Jacqueline is still very hurt by people who let her down; Jacqueline is still learning what it means to accept herself and Jacqueline many times, does not experience rest because she is still trying to achieve and earn. (Hebrews 4:10 - those who have entered rest have ceased from their own striving).
I know that none of this surprises Father, for He knows me in and out; perhaps some of you are surprised however? Last count there are about 60 of you who read this every day. I pray that as you read this, you ask Father to show you the depth of your own heart.
I am sorry if you are disappointed in what you have read today; for as one woman wrote to me: "Jacqueline, you seem to have arrived with knowing the heart of Jesus". No, dear sister - far from it. I do apologize if I have let on that I know all there is to know about His love for me. That would be a great tragedy if you only came to know the love of the Father to the degree that I do.
Please hear my heart, I mean everything I say to you when I urge you to run to Jesus. I know Jesus is the answer; however, I have yet learned to rest. But, in this, He is breaking down all those walls one by one. My journey is not over; I have not arrived. But He is changing me from glory to glory. This is where I am, and we are all a work in progress (Phil 1:6 tells us it is a GOOD work; one which Father himself will complete).
I close with this additional verse found in 1 John 5:15 "We know that He hears us when we make our requests known .. we also know that He will give us what we ask for"
Father, it is my desire that we come to know you. To know you more than to lose weight or to become more "acceptable" in our own eyes. Show us all the depth of your love for us. That we may know you.
Take a few minutes to watch the video "The Inheritance" by Graham Cooke (found on Youtube). I am going to post it on my facebook page under this blog post for your convenience.
Til Next Time
Jacqueline
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Six years...
I woke early this morning and the date May 29th brought back a flood of memories. I remember the shock and the sadness; trying to attend church to block out my reeling emotions and only to walk in on the song "Blessed be the name; He gives and takes away".
I am reflecting on what I have learned over the past six years. So for todays post, (in no particular order and as much for me as it is for you)
I have learned...
* that I relied on a human to meet my deepest needs (instead of God the ultimate provider)
* that to hide my pain and bitterness I became angry, skeptical and jaded
* that I could in time figure out how to mangage and run a household
* that I could say good bye several times and not be deflated for life
* the passion for other people that once was squashed, is now alive again
* I will get through anything with Jesus; I have overcome
* there is no point in hiding your pain; it eventually comes to the surface
* I do not need to handle life alone; for I am never alone
* when we refuse to offer forgiveness, we are the prisoner
* when we put people in place of meeting our deepest needs; we will hurt them and be hurt/disappointed ourselves
* there are people who are worth trusting; who will love and support me
* the importance of forgiving myself (althought not sure I am completely done with this one yet)
* I am not responsible for all of my children's choices
* I will be hurt again, no matter how much I try to protect myself
* someone else besides Jesus died on that cross; the old me is gone and the new has come. Thank you Jesus for making me a new creation!
* that I am complete and acceptable in Him / because of Him
* I am loved completely by the Father
* that it is okay and absolutely necessary to learn to love and accept myself
* there is the ability to love again; although scarey, it is worth it
* I am a work in progress; but HE will see it through to completion in HIS time
* for many years, I covered my pain and heavy emotions with food... and am learning the freedom of that bondage
* Father does use ALL THINGS to work together for the purpose of conforming me into His image
* that I am not expected to live/act in perfect perfection at all times
Those are just some of what I have learned over the past six years.
Have you taken time to reflect on where you have come from? I was reminded a couple weeks ago that there were times Jesus called people by their "old names" (eg. Peter was called Simon even after Jesus gave him his new name). I wonder if it is because God wants us to remember where we have come from? how far HE has brought us? We are not that old person anymore, but we are who we are not because of our own efforts; but all because of Him. What has He shown you lately?
Til next time,
Jacqueline
I am reflecting on what I have learned over the past six years. So for todays post, (in no particular order and as much for me as it is for you)
I have learned...
* that I relied on a human to meet my deepest needs (instead of God the ultimate provider)
* that to hide my pain and bitterness I became angry, skeptical and jaded
* that I could in time figure out how to mangage and run a household
* that I could say good bye several times and not be deflated for life
* the passion for other people that once was squashed, is now alive again
* I will get through anything with Jesus; I have overcome
* there is no point in hiding your pain; it eventually comes to the surface
* I do not need to handle life alone; for I am never alone
* when we refuse to offer forgiveness, we are the prisoner
* when we put people in place of meeting our deepest needs; we will hurt them and be hurt/disappointed ourselves
* there are people who are worth trusting; who will love and support me
* the importance of forgiving myself (althought not sure I am completely done with this one yet)
* I am not responsible for all of my children's choices
* I will be hurt again, no matter how much I try to protect myself
* someone else besides Jesus died on that cross; the old me is gone and the new has come. Thank you Jesus for making me a new creation!
* that I am complete and acceptable in Him / because of Him
* I am loved completely by the Father
* that it is okay and absolutely necessary to learn to love and accept myself
* there is the ability to love again; although scarey, it is worth it
* I am a work in progress; but HE will see it through to completion in HIS time
* for many years, I covered my pain and heavy emotions with food... and am learning the freedom of that bondage
* Father does use ALL THINGS to work together for the purpose of conforming me into His image
* that I am not expected to live/act in perfect perfection at all times
Those are just some of what I have learned over the past six years.
Have you taken time to reflect on where you have come from? I was reminded a couple weeks ago that there were times Jesus called people by their "old names" (eg. Peter was called Simon even after Jesus gave him his new name). I wonder if it is because God wants us to remember where we have come from? how far HE has brought us? We are not that old person anymore, but we are who we are not because of our own efforts; but all because of Him. What has He shown you lately?
Til next time,
Jacqueline
Friday, May 27, 2011
The Deepest Theology We Need To Know ...
I was reminded again this week of how important the foundation is to a building. A friend of mine is once again dealing with water in their basement due to cracks in the foundation. It would be pointless to continue to mop up the water but never to fix the foundation; dont you think?
How important is our foundation of faith? What happens when we have a faulty weak foundation? What happens when there are cracks in our theology? Is there a faulty concept of God that we are believing and thus allowing deceit to sneak in? and therefore cause damage?
I know I have written about this before, but it has gripped me once again today as the woman I met with left my office. If we don't know how much Father loves us, where do we go?
How can I continue to ask her to surrender to a God who she believes sees her as insignificant? How can I ask someone else to accept the message of the cross when she still is yet to believe that the Bible is true? How do I encourage yet another young woman to lay aside her bitterness; when she believes she will only be hurt by God if she truly trusts in Him?
The foundation on which we lay our beliefs and our faith is of extreme importance. When we see there is "water leaking in"; it is necessary to acknowledge the cracks (the faulty beliefs) and deal with it. Exchange the faulty for truth (fix what needs to be fixed).
So, what is the deepest theology that I think we need to know? As someone once said, "Jesus loves me this I know".
I believe when we view everything from that; the message of the cross makes sense; embracing our acceptance makes sense; laying aside bitterness as a way to cope makes sense; refusing to play the trying to measure up game ... it all begins to make sense.
Thank you Father for your love. Thank you for your understanding and for the ways you speak to us. Show us Father where there are "cracks" in our foundation.
Til Next Time
Jacqueline
How important is our foundation of faith? What happens when we have a faulty weak foundation? What happens when there are cracks in our theology? Is there a faulty concept of God that we are believing and thus allowing deceit to sneak in? and therefore cause damage?
I know I have written about this before, but it has gripped me once again today as the woman I met with left my office. If we don't know how much Father loves us, where do we go?
How can I continue to ask her to surrender to a God who she believes sees her as insignificant? How can I ask someone else to accept the message of the cross when she still is yet to believe that the Bible is true? How do I encourage yet another young woman to lay aside her bitterness; when she believes she will only be hurt by God if she truly trusts in Him?
The foundation on which we lay our beliefs and our faith is of extreme importance. When we see there is "water leaking in"; it is necessary to acknowledge the cracks (the faulty beliefs) and deal with it. Exchange the faulty for truth (fix what needs to be fixed).
So, what is the deepest theology that I think we need to know? As someone once said, "Jesus loves me this I know".
I believe when we view everything from that; the message of the cross makes sense; embracing our acceptance makes sense; laying aside bitterness as a way to cope makes sense; refusing to play the trying to measure up game ... it all begins to make sense.
Thank you Father for your love. Thank you for your understanding and for the ways you speak to us. Show us Father where there are "cracks" in our foundation.
Til Next Time
Jacqueline
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last
If it wouldn't have seemed disrespectful, I would have taken out my camera at today's funeral service. There were so many black suits, dress pants, dresses, and sweaters. At one point during the service I was looking down to collect my thoughts and all within my eye's view were black shoes. The colour is symbolic I suppose of the grief and the heaviness of each one's heart; but I want everyone to know that when the day comes that I pass away, I would like everyone to wear white or colours. I want you to celebrate first where I would be, and secondly the life that I have led.
That was just a little thought that I had; but the bigger thought that I had was the reminder given to us today at the service, and it came from Kathy (Kevin's wife, the grieving widow). Her encouragement to each one there was to never miss opportunity to love, to tell those you care about how much you love and to make things right. There is a proverb that speaks to this, "Live each day as if it were your last."
Kevin lived his life being a vessel of God; with the obvious desire to have everyone he came in contact with know the love of Jesus. May we take this as a reminder that we too are vessels; but also to be aware that we do not know when our last conversation will be with someone.
Is there someone you need to talk with today? Tell them you love them perhaps? or maybe to have a much needed converstaion to offer healing and forgiveness.
That's all for now, I close asking you to lift up in prayer the friends and family of Kevin Duncan.
Til next time
Jacqueline
That was just a little thought that I had; but the bigger thought that I had was the reminder given to us today at the service, and it came from Kathy (Kevin's wife, the grieving widow). Her encouragement to each one there was to never miss opportunity to love, to tell those you care about how much you love and to make things right. There is a proverb that speaks to this, "Live each day as if it were your last."
Kevin lived his life being a vessel of God; with the obvious desire to have everyone he came in contact with know the love of Jesus. May we take this as a reminder that we too are vessels; but also to be aware that we do not know when our last conversation will be with someone.
Is there someone you need to talk with today? Tell them you love them perhaps? or maybe to have a much needed converstaion to offer healing and forgiveness.
That's all for now, I close asking you to lift up in prayer the friends and family of Kevin Duncan.
Til next time
Jacqueline
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Jesus on Earth ... Kevin
Last night some 25 gathered to reflect and pray for the family of Kevin Duncan, a student from EBC who recently passed away. After beginning our time with singing to Father, the discussions and memories began to be shared.
Some of the initial comments were "its not right, its not fair". But in the end even after we ask "Why God?", everyone in the room was able to say (in the midst of the tears) "But we know God is love" and we were blessed to know Kevin. It's not "he would have made a good minister" for he WAS a good minister. For he knew Jesus and was "Jesus on earth" to many.
When I listened to stories about Kevin I was reminded that we are HIS vessels. We are who the world looks to. How many opportunities do we have to show someone love? How many times are we given opportunity to show & offer mercy and grace?
The pressure to "have it all together" is not one that comes from above. Let us remember to love. In that love it sometimes means saying no and speaking truth into a situation; but other times, it means love and be a friend quietly sitting by while you hurt.
Thank you Kevin for showing us what it was like to have a heart for people, to listen more than talk and to love Father God wholeheartedly. We will see you again brother!!
Til Next Time
Jacqueline
Some of the initial comments were "its not right, its not fair". But in the end even after we ask "Why God?", everyone in the room was able to say (in the midst of the tears) "But we know God is love" and we were blessed to know Kevin. It's not "he would have made a good minister" for he WAS a good minister. For he knew Jesus and was "Jesus on earth" to many.
When I listened to stories about Kevin I was reminded that we are HIS vessels. We are who the world looks to. How many opportunities do we have to show someone love? How many times are we given opportunity to show & offer mercy and grace?
The pressure to "have it all together" is not one that comes from above. Let us remember to love. In that love it sometimes means saying no and speaking truth into a situation; but other times, it means love and be a friend quietly sitting by while you hurt.
Thank you Kevin for showing us what it was like to have a heart for people, to listen more than talk and to love Father God wholeheartedly. We will see you again brother!!
Til Next Time
Jacqueline
Monday, May 23, 2011
Despising The Shame
Have you ever feared what people will think if they only knew? Are you afraid to voice your opinion? I have yet to meet a woman who has not had to deal with some degree of shame. In fact, I would venture that most people reading this have some secret that they are hoping no one will ever find out; because what if people REALLY knew? Then what would they think?
Let's take a few moments and talk about this ugly word called shame.
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every circumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Loosely translated for me in this very moment; this says to me - "throw off the shame that is holding you down .. and then you can rest at His side".
Yesterday I shared some of what I have been reading; today I continue with the chapter on Shame (He Loves Me, written by Wayne Jacobsen). I trust you do not view this simply as a book report, as it is such good stuff. Let's take a closer look at shame ...
* it will help you boast at your achievements and contrive excuses for your mistakes
* it can turn a simple gift of God into feelings of superiority and then at the firs sign of trouble plunge you to the depth of inferiority
* it can take you captive through the compliments of others and make you feel rejected by the most genuine criticism
* it will let you take credit for good things you don't deserve and blame others for their hard times
* one minute it can make you smug in self righteousness and the next overwhelm you with guilt and self loathing
* Shame keeps us from being authentic enough to realize that others are struggling with the same things. page 162
* "Shame tells us that people could never love us if they really knew what we had been part of .. or knew the temptations, doubts, and motives that still lurk beneath the surface" page 162
"what a horrible burden it is to measure our worth by everything we do and every word spoken about us." page 160
"When you find your security in the awesome love of God, shame's voice is unmasked. No longer do you have to play its games by worrying about what others think." page 160
* "Shame makes it impossible for us to say no. It threatens us with humiation or with being left out if we don't conform to what others want, and it promises approval and affirmation when we obey." page 162
* "The fear of what "others might think" can both restrain us from doing what we know is right and entice us to do what ultimately harms us"
In his book The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard writes: "would you like to have no need for others to praise you, and would you like not to be paralyzed and humilated by their dislike and condemnation? Wouldn't you also like to have a strength and understanding that enables you genuinely and naturally to bless those who are cursing you - or cheating you, beating you, spitting on you ... laughing at you .. even killing you ...? "
If we can be free of this shame, there is freedom to be real and authentic. To live as Jesus lived "of no reputation." That is to finally LIVE.
In response to an email I received, Father gave me this thought .. "To rest is hard to learn, when we are used to trying to earn"
Friends, let's continue our journey from glory to glory; to being ever more aware of what was accomplished on the cross; so we can be further free.
I cannot stress enough the impact this book has had on me. If you are interested in ordering this book and reading it in its entirety, you can find it on Amazon or you can purchase it through us at Crossways To Life, Kitchener ON.
Til Next Time,
Jacqueline
Let's take a few moments and talk about this ugly word called shame.
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every circumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Loosely translated for me in this very moment; this says to me - "throw off the shame that is holding you down .. and then you can rest at His side".
Yesterday I shared some of what I have been reading; today I continue with the chapter on Shame (He Loves Me, written by Wayne Jacobsen). I trust you do not view this simply as a book report, as it is such good stuff. Let's take a closer look at shame ...
* it will help you boast at your achievements and contrive excuses for your mistakes
* it can turn a simple gift of God into feelings of superiority and then at the firs sign of trouble plunge you to the depth of inferiority
* it can take you captive through the compliments of others and make you feel rejected by the most genuine criticism
* it will let you take credit for good things you don't deserve and blame others for their hard times
* one minute it can make you smug in self righteousness and the next overwhelm you with guilt and self loathing
* Shame keeps us from being authentic enough to realize that others are struggling with the same things. page 162
* "Shame tells us that people could never love us if they really knew what we had been part of .. or knew the temptations, doubts, and motives that still lurk beneath the surface" page 162
"what a horrible burden it is to measure our worth by everything we do and every word spoken about us." page 160
"When you find your security in the awesome love of God, shame's voice is unmasked. No longer do you have to play its games by worrying about what others think." page 160
* "Shame makes it impossible for us to say no. It threatens us with humiation or with being left out if we don't conform to what others want, and it promises approval and affirmation when we obey." page 162
* "The fear of what "others might think" can both restrain us from doing what we know is right and entice us to do what ultimately harms us"
In his book The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard writes: "would you like to have no need for others to praise you, and would you like not to be paralyzed and humilated by their dislike and condemnation? Wouldn't you also like to have a strength and understanding that enables you genuinely and naturally to bless those who are cursing you - or cheating you, beating you, spitting on you ... laughing at you .. even killing you ...? "
If we can be free of this shame, there is freedom to be real and authentic. To live as Jesus lived "of no reputation." That is to finally LIVE.
In response to an email I received, Father gave me this thought .. "To rest is hard to learn, when we are used to trying to earn"
Friends, let's continue our journey from glory to glory; to being ever more aware of what was accomplished on the cross; so we can be further free.
I cannot stress enough the impact this book has had on me. If you are interested in ordering this book and reading it in its entirety, you can find it on Amazon or you can purchase it through us at Crossways To Life, Kitchener ON.
Til Next Time,
Jacqueline
Sunday, May 22, 2011
He Loves Me
If I started to tell you everything that has happened or everything I have heard and learned this weekend you would not believe me. It has been quite the weekend, but over the last few hours I have quieted my heart and sat with a book and talked with Father. The book is so good that I am going to share some of the points I have read. I realize that I am not giving the context, but hopefully enough food for thought that you may wish to read the book; or at least take the thought to Father and hear what He has to say to you about it. He Love Me by Wayne Jacobsen. windblown media
* When the enemy drove a wedge between Eve and her Creator , he had won the moment. Everything we do as a result of not trusting God and his intentions toward us draws us into the everdeepening bondage of sin. page 125
* For the power of the cross to significantly change our lives, it would have to restore the trust that was shattered in Eden. page 126
* Perhaps when we don't understand or feel His love for us we need to pray " Jesus we choose to believe in the Father's love for us because you did. Give us your faith to stand right here in trust that our whole lives are in your hands". page 130
* Because of the cross, we are no longer oppressed by the need to appease God. We are free to live in his love and, as we'll see, that can completely transform everything about the way we think and live. page 131
* "I have spent all my life trying to earn points with someone (our Father) who wasn't even keeping score" page 136
* God has done everything to demonstrate His irrefutable love, but He will not make us live there. We can still live less loves, pursuing our own agenda with our own resources... page 137
* "The key to living a productive Christian life is not waking up every day trying to be loved by God, but waking up in the awareness that you are already His beloved." page 138
* "People who live out of a genuine love relationship with the God of the universe will live in more power, more joy and more righteousness than anyone motivated by fear of His judgment." page 141
* God enjoys taking fearful slaves to sin and teaching them how to live as beloved sons and daughters. He knows how to peel off layers of selfishness and shame to shape His image in us page 157
If you are interested in ordering this book from us at Crossways To Life please feel free to contact us through email. office@crosswaystolife.org
That's all for now, til next time.
Jacqueline
* When the enemy drove a wedge between Eve and her Creator , he had won the moment. Everything we do as a result of not trusting God and his intentions toward us draws us into the everdeepening bondage of sin. page 125
* For the power of the cross to significantly change our lives, it would have to restore the trust that was shattered in Eden. page 126
* Perhaps when we don't understand or feel His love for us we need to pray " Jesus we choose to believe in the Father's love for us because you did. Give us your faith to stand right here in trust that our whole lives are in your hands". page 130
* Because of the cross, we are no longer oppressed by the need to appease God. We are free to live in his love and, as we'll see, that can completely transform everything about the way we think and live. page 131
* "I have spent all my life trying to earn points with someone (our Father) who wasn't even keeping score" page 136
* God has done everything to demonstrate His irrefutable love, but He will not make us live there. We can still live less loves, pursuing our own agenda with our own resources... page 137
* "The key to living a productive Christian life is not waking up every day trying to be loved by God, but waking up in the awareness that you are already His beloved." page 138
* "People who live out of a genuine love relationship with the God of the universe will live in more power, more joy and more righteousness than anyone motivated by fear of His judgment." page 141
* God enjoys taking fearful slaves to sin and teaching them how to live as beloved sons and daughters. He knows how to peel off layers of selfishness and shame to shape His image in us page 157
If you are interested in ordering this book from us at Crossways To Life please feel free to contact us through email. office@crosswaystolife.org
That's all for now, til next time.
Jacqueline
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Glorious Mess ... I must confess
This week I sum up all my thoughts in the phrase "Glorious Mess". This is the third blog post I have attempted to write; and with each one I get deeper into looking at the depths of my heart.
I write this I am fearful of how it will be received. And yet, the very idea that I am fearful confirms what Father has been telling me this week. Why is the acceptance of people so very important if you really know I love and accept you?
I spend my week walking with others and many hours immersed in Father's word. And yet, when asked the other week when do I get away with Father for my own time, I had no real answer. The dear lady didn't know the can she was opening when she asked that, and as I began to dwell on that, other stuff began to surface that I indeed needed to spend a few days acknowledging and talking with Father about. That simple question was indeed a word from God. (Thank you LG).
It is to be expected that we hurt when we find out someone has hurt or betrayed us; but how deep it cuts, how much damage is done can lead to determine how much weight and value we put in the acceptance of that person. I have come to see that what people thought of me still really mattered to me. But what does that say to God who is the one who has made me acceptable? It says that I have been thinking that because I am acceptable, I need to maintain that by acting accordingly. And if I didn't act accordingly, then I was coming to the conclusion that I possibly wasn't totally acceptable. And, then the vicious cycle began ...
In this reality check I have also seen that One of the struggles has been that I have felt this immense pressure to "have it all together". Now that I am in full time ministry I had "better get it right" mentality. Last year I an intern student, so of course I was allowed (even expected) to make mistakes. But now that I had graduated, it was time to "walk the talk perfectly" ... well so I thought.
You know those scarey prayers we pray in a time of vulnerability and when life is going well? The prayers that say, help me to know you better or how about the one I prayed not more then a month ago, "show me any wickedness in me; show me where I still have unbelief". Well .. .He is faithful to the cries of His beloved.
You know how I posted not long ago how I love to sing even in the hard times? Well, a week ago yesterday I heard some news that rocked my world, and while there is nothing wrong with being hurt by hearing the news (in fact it would be more concerning not to be hurt); this week it has kind of turned everything inside of me upside down. So, the song I sing? nothing right now. I still believe everyword that song says - for HE is BLESSED and wonderful and glorious - even when the sun is not shining ... but, my own personal "song" has gone. I have tried in my efforts to get it back more then once. I have made myself turn music on, and nothing. If you know me well I love to sing, I sing in many weird situations without even thinking (just ask my kids); but for now, my song is gone. Like I started off saying, I am a mess ...
Last night about 10:30pm I received a call that a man I know died suddenly. Fell over and went to home to be with Jesus. I spent an hour or so trying to figure out if there was any way this wasn't true; and then I realized that even in this, Father was wanting to show me more of what I believed.
In His faithfulness He used several situations this week to bring some more of my imperfections to the surface. That is, He used it for HIS good and I am thankful. While I still do not have all the answers, I was able to see some of what I had been believing.
You see, although I know to a degree the acceptance of God and that HIS acceptance is enough, I still struggle. I struggle and strive. How do I know that I still struggle? By the degree in which I am hurt when someone hurts me, talks badly about me, misinterprets me and rejects me.
Without coming out and directly saying it (until this week), I had even determined in my head that if people were going to keep hurting me, that's okay, I will just be done with expecting anything from them. That way, no matter what anyone says or does, I will be okay. (or in other words, I will protect Jacqueline from further hurt and disappointment by protecting herself and not trusting Father enough to handle it when I can't). What a mess ...
I confess that there is still much to be learned. I take great comfort in reading how many times the apostle Paul had to say "I have learned", or even "I am still learning".
I can confess that although I know Jesus more today then I did 3 years ago, there is still growth needed in my knowing Him intimately and learning to trust. I want Him to be my everything; my all in all. So when "mere man" say or does something that cuts I will be okay, for I would know that I know, that I know, that I know,I was loved and accepted by Father.
I am encouraged when I read about the disciples in God's word. For they were face to face with Jesus,and yet they had to learn trust. They had to learn to depend and their faith had to grow. That all being said, I am so jealous for they were physically with our saviour, our older brother. They leaned into Him, they saw His love and compassionate face. Imagine getting a big hug right this minute from someone who REALLY knew you and you didnt have to try and explain your heart? That is intimacy. In fact that is what Father's heart is for us right now, and yet we strive to get more of it? We have Him in a different way then they did. I am one with Him, I do not need to wait for Him to come back from his time with Father, for I can experience all of Him now.
God's word tells us that we are HIS ambassadors. We are the light and the salt in this world and if the disciples had to learn, we too must remember we are to learn. So, as messy as I still am; how there are days that I feel like I am an emotional soupy mess; I am His ambassador ... I am not simply a mess; I am a "glorious mess".
We are in a process, He is continuing to sanctify and refine me that which He has already sanctified, justified and declare HIS acceptable daughter. How about you? Will you join me in learning to rest and have our belief increased? At Crossways to Life this month, Ross has been teaching on Hebrews and the verse that is firmly implanted on my mind right now is found in Hebrews 4:10 - those who have entered HIS rest, has ceased from their own work .. their own striving.
In our glorious mess, join me as we learn to rest. To accept what was done for us and to us on that cross. That we may seek HIM alone.
That's all for now
Jacqueline
I write this I am fearful of how it will be received. And yet, the very idea that I am fearful confirms what Father has been telling me this week. Why is the acceptance of people so very important if you really know I love and accept you?
I spend my week walking with others and many hours immersed in Father's word. And yet, when asked the other week when do I get away with Father for my own time, I had no real answer. The dear lady didn't know the can she was opening when she asked that, and as I began to dwell on that, other stuff began to surface that I indeed needed to spend a few days acknowledging and talking with Father about. That simple question was indeed a word from God. (Thank you LG).
It is to be expected that we hurt when we find out someone has hurt or betrayed us; but how deep it cuts, how much damage is done can lead to determine how much weight and value we put in the acceptance of that person. I have come to see that what people thought of me still really mattered to me. But what does that say to God who is the one who has made me acceptable? It says that I have been thinking that because I am acceptable, I need to maintain that by acting accordingly. And if I didn't act accordingly, then I was coming to the conclusion that I possibly wasn't totally acceptable. And, then the vicious cycle began ...
In this reality check I have also seen that One of the struggles has been that I have felt this immense pressure to "have it all together". Now that I am in full time ministry I had "better get it right" mentality. Last year I an intern student, so of course I was allowed (even expected) to make mistakes. But now that I had graduated, it was time to "walk the talk perfectly" ... well so I thought.
You know those scarey prayers we pray in a time of vulnerability and when life is going well? The prayers that say, help me to know you better or how about the one I prayed not more then a month ago, "show me any wickedness in me; show me where I still have unbelief". Well .. .He is faithful to the cries of His beloved.
You know how I posted not long ago how I love to sing even in the hard times? Well, a week ago yesterday I heard some news that rocked my world, and while there is nothing wrong with being hurt by hearing the news (in fact it would be more concerning not to be hurt); this week it has kind of turned everything inside of me upside down. So, the song I sing? nothing right now. I still believe everyword that song says - for HE is BLESSED and wonderful and glorious - even when the sun is not shining ... but, my own personal "song" has gone. I have tried in my efforts to get it back more then once. I have made myself turn music on, and nothing. If you know me well I love to sing, I sing in many weird situations without even thinking (just ask my kids); but for now, my song is gone. Like I started off saying, I am a mess ...
Last night about 10:30pm I received a call that a man I know died suddenly. Fell over and went to home to be with Jesus. I spent an hour or so trying to figure out if there was any way this wasn't true; and then I realized that even in this, Father was wanting to show me more of what I believed.
In His faithfulness He used several situations this week to bring some more of my imperfections to the surface. That is, He used it for HIS good and I am thankful. While I still do not have all the answers, I was able to see some of what I had been believing.
You see, although I know to a degree the acceptance of God and that HIS acceptance is enough, I still struggle. I struggle and strive. How do I know that I still struggle? By the degree in which I am hurt when someone hurts me, talks badly about me, misinterprets me and rejects me.
Without coming out and directly saying it (until this week), I had even determined in my head that if people were going to keep hurting me, that's okay, I will just be done with expecting anything from them. That way, no matter what anyone says or does, I will be okay. (or in other words, I will protect Jacqueline from further hurt and disappointment by protecting herself and not trusting Father enough to handle it when I can't). What a mess ...
I confess that there is still much to be learned. I take great comfort in reading how many times the apostle Paul had to say "I have learned", or even "I am still learning".
I can confess that although I know Jesus more today then I did 3 years ago, there is still growth needed in my knowing Him intimately and learning to trust. I want Him to be my everything; my all in all. So when "mere man" say or does something that cuts I will be okay, for I would know that I know, that I know, that I know,I was loved and accepted by Father.
I am encouraged when I read about the disciples in God's word. For they were face to face with Jesus,and yet they had to learn trust. They had to learn to depend and their faith had to grow. That all being said, I am so jealous for they were physically with our saviour, our older brother. They leaned into Him, they saw His love and compassionate face. Imagine getting a big hug right this minute from someone who REALLY knew you and you didnt have to try and explain your heart? That is intimacy. In fact that is what Father's heart is for us right now, and yet we strive to get more of it? We have Him in a different way then they did. I am one with Him, I do not need to wait for Him to come back from his time with Father, for I can experience all of Him now.
God's word tells us that we are HIS ambassadors. We are the light and the salt in this world and if the disciples had to learn, we too must remember we are to learn. So, as messy as I still am; how there are days that I feel like I am an emotional soupy mess; I am His ambassador ... I am not simply a mess; I am a "glorious mess".
We are in a process, He is continuing to sanctify and refine me that which He has already sanctified, justified and declare HIS acceptable daughter. How about you? Will you join me in learning to rest and have our belief increased? At Crossways to Life this month, Ross has been teaching on Hebrews and the verse that is firmly implanted on my mind right now is found in Hebrews 4:10 - those who have entered HIS rest, has ceased from their own work .. their own striving.
In our glorious mess, join me as we learn to rest. To accept what was done for us and to us on that cross. That we may seek HIM alone.
That's all for now
Jacqueline
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Do We Mean What We Sing?
Yesterday I was driving to work and the song "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" came on. I have a reputation for not liking this song very much; but in reality I really do like it. (Yes, there was a time that it bothered me to sing it, and I couldnt get through it without wanting to be sick). But eventually I did come to see that singing that song helped with my mindset. I was not able to continue to "pretend" that I knew God was good; it forced me to do business with Him until I knew and believed with my whole heart that no matter what was going on in my life, God was a God of love and He did love me. (Want to give it a listen? Look up Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman on YouTube.)
What used to bother me was that everyone was singing this song with a smile on their face; while for me (6 years ago) the tears were streaming down my cheeks. Because I knew what it was like to have something "taken away", and I sure didn't feel like clapping and singing about it. BUT in reality, I did mean what I sang, I did (and do) CHOOSE to say "Blessed be HIS name", even when the sun is not shining, and life has not happened the way I would have chosen it to be.
Today I can sing it and I mean every single word I sing. I have come to know Father in a way that is very special to me, and even though some days I need to remind myself of the truths, I do know He is good.
Yes, some of my journey was meant for evil and to do harm to me, BUT in all that happened, I know that God meant it for good, and that I am now in the place God has for me. (Genesis 50:20).
Some days our journey seems hard and it is harder to sing the words, but that is okay. It bothers me more that people sing and don't stop to think about the words they are singing. I encourage you to think about whether you can honestly say when someone has died, someone has left or someone is sick - that God IS worthy to be praised and even though something has been "taken away" - Will you still praise Him and called Him "Blessed"?
I know a few people that can't sing this song, and that is okay; there may be more growth to happen there. For me, I choose to say it, whether my feelings are always in agreement or not. I do not understand all of His ways; BUT I know, that I know, that I know - He is GOOD, He is FAITHFUL and HE IS IN CONTROL.
I want to encourage us to be aware of the words we say (and sing). And if we can't sing a particular song and mean it, maybe hum along and ask Father what's in the way of singing it. In His faithfulness, He will show you, for He desires you to be free.
That's a thought for today, Til next time
Jacqueline
What used to bother me was that everyone was singing this song with a smile on their face; while for me (6 years ago) the tears were streaming down my cheeks. Because I knew what it was like to have something "taken away", and I sure didn't feel like clapping and singing about it. BUT in reality, I did mean what I sang, I did (and do) CHOOSE to say "Blessed be HIS name", even when the sun is not shining, and life has not happened the way I would have chosen it to be.
Today I can sing it and I mean every single word I sing. I have come to know Father in a way that is very special to me, and even though some days I need to remind myself of the truths, I do know He is good.
Yes, some of my journey was meant for evil and to do harm to me, BUT in all that happened, I know that God meant it for good, and that I am now in the place God has for me. (Genesis 50:20).
Some days our journey seems hard and it is harder to sing the words, but that is okay. It bothers me more that people sing and don't stop to think about the words they are singing. I encourage you to think about whether you can honestly say when someone has died, someone has left or someone is sick - that God IS worthy to be praised and even though something has been "taken away" - Will you still praise Him and called Him "Blessed"?
I know a few people that can't sing this song, and that is okay; there may be more growth to happen there. For me, I choose to say it, whether my feelings are always in agreement or not. I do not understand all of His ways; BUT I know, that I know, that I know - He is GOOD, He is FAITHFUL and HE IS IN CONTROL.
I want to encourage us to be aware of the words we say (and sing). And if we can't sing a particular song and mean it, maybe hum along and ask Father what's in the way of singing it. In His faithfulness, He will show you, for He desires you to be free.
That's a thought for today, Til next time
Jacqueline
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and today I have been thinking about how becoming a Mom has changed my life. My oldest will be 18years old at his next birthday, and I know I am not ready to say goodbye to him as "my boy".
I recently read Ann Voskamp's blogpost, and she articulated it so well, watching the boy become a man; or we have blinked and he HAS become a man. Next year this time, my son will be graduating highschool and once again, this family will enter a time of transition. The time sure does go by fast, and to rewind and do some of it again would be nice, but that is just a dream
The day I became a mother my life changed forever. No longer was life only about me but there were others that I was responsible for. It is fair to say that nothing of this world has changed my life the way becoming a mother has. In the quiet of today, I was thinking about some mothers of the past.
Let's take Eve - the first mother. Imagine not having anyone to share their experiences with you? With noone to tell her what giving birth was going to be like? No books to read with tips to get your baby to sleep better; when to expect the first steps; when you should hear the first words etc ... I suppose there were no concerns that Cain and Abel may "be delayed in development"; as there were no charts of expectations to go by. (What a relief if you ask me!)
With Easter just past, as a family we watched the movie "The Passion of Christ". With that movie still on my mind I couldn't help but think of the mother of Jesus - Mary. This young woman chosen to be the mother of Jesus; put herself aside for the call of God, for the little one inside of her. What an example to all of us.
Somedays the responsibility of being a Mother seems very overwhelming (and sometimes even a thankless job). As my children have entered new stages, the unknowns are many, but (as I blogged about yesterday) this too keeps me dependant on Jesus!
I am so thankful for being a woman and being given the role of a Mom. I do not claim to be perfect, but I know that each of my children will grow up knowing that I have loved them, and more importantly, I have tried hard to be a good example of the need to trust and depend on God.
Tomorrow, I am aware that some of you will have the wounds of pain opened as you celebrate Mother's Day with one missing from the dinner table; or perhaps tomorrow will bring the reminder that your womb has yet to ever be filled. I wanted to acknowledge you today. I have been there crying as yet another cycle has come and gone with no signs of ever being pregnant again. It is a pain I know that you wish you could blink your eyes and ahve it go away. However, in your pain, please let me say thank you to you and to wish you Happy Mother's Day as well. For although some of you have yet to "birth" a child; you have "mothered" many. To you, I say a HUGE thank you for all the many lives you have poured into. The many people you have loved and nurtured out of choice and with no obligation.
I meet with many women in a week, and many times in their personal stories I hear of how godly women (whom they were not related to) stepped in and spoke into their lives; showering them with love and encouragement.
Please know that you are a blessing to many!!
So to all the lovely women out there - Happy Mothers Day! Enjoy your day, know you are loved and appreciated. To my Mom, Thanks for giving me life!
That's all for now,
Jacqueline
I recently read Ann Voskamp's blogpost, and she articulated it so well, watching the boy become a man; or we have blinked and he HAS become a man. Next year this time, my son will be graduating highschool and once again, this family will enter a time of transition. The time sure does go by fast, and to rewind and do some of it again would be nice, but that is just a dream
The day I became a mother my life changed forever. No longer was life only about me but there were others that I was responsible for. It is fair to say that nothing of this world has changed my life the way becoming a mother has. In the quiet of today, I was thinking about some mothers of the past.
Let's take Eve - the first mother. Imagine not having anyone to share their experiences with you? With noone to tell her what giving birth was going to be like? No books to read with tips to get your baby to sleep better; when to expect the first steps; when you should hear the first words etc ... I suppose there were no concerns that Cain and Abel may "be delayed in development"; as there were no charts of expectations to go by. (What a relief if you ask me!)
With Easter just past, as a family we watched the movie "The Passion of Christ". With that movie still on my mind I couldn't help but think of the mother of Jesus - Mary. This young woman chosen to be the mother of Jesus; put herself aside for the call of God, for the little one inside of her. What an example to all of us.
Somedays the responsibility of being a Mother seems very overwhelming (and sometimes even a thankless job). As my children have entered new stages, the unknowns are many, but (as I blogged about yesterday) this too keeps me dependant on Jesus!
I am so thankful for being a woman and being given the role of a Mom. I do not claim to be perfect, but I know that each of my children will grow up knowing that I have loved them, and more importantly, I have tried hard to be a good example of the need to trust and depend on God.
Tomorrow, I am aware that some of you will have the wounds of pain opened as you celebrate Mother's Day with one missing from the dinner table; or perhaps tomorrow will bring the reminder that your womb has yet to ever be filled. I wanted to acknowledge you today. I have been there crying as yet another cycle has come and gone with no signs of ever being pregnant again. It is a pain I know that you wish you could blink your eyes and ahve it go away. However, in your pain, please let me say thank you to you and to wish you Happy Mother's Day as well. For although some of you have yet to "birth" a child; you have "mothered" many. To you, I say a HUGE thank you for all the many lives you have poured into. The many people you have loved and nurtured out of choice and with no obligation.
I meet with many women in a week, and many times in their personal stories I hear of how godly women (whom they were not related to) stepped in and spoke into their lives; showering them with love and encouragement.
Please know that you are a blessing to many!!
So to all the lovely women out there - Happy Mothers Day! Enjoy your day, know you are loved and appreciated. To my Mom, Thanks for giving me life!
That's all for now,
Jacqueline
Friday, May 6, 2011
Things That Keep Me Dependant ...
Today began earlier than expected and as I dwell on the events of my early morning (4am), I can't help but think that it is in these times that I am reminded of my need for dependance in/on Christ. Why is it that way too often we get into (as my younger neices and nephews have all learned early to say) to " do it myself". With my mouth I encourage the women I meet with to stop doing it "in their own strength". I encourage them to abide, to lean on, to depend on and to be plugged into the one true life source - Jesus Christ. And yet, when I said that during this morning's appointment, I heard the very same words being whispered back to me.
Therefore, I am choosing this moment to be thankful for the things that keep me dependant on Christ. That is, the very weaknesses that keep HIS grace being sufficient to me. Some of the "things that keep us dependant" that I have recently heard from others, or I have personally experienced are:
1. When I feel intense pain and grief over the memories and the "Crappy anniversaries" of when my marriage ended ... I need to depend on Jesus.
2. When my teenager tells me he no longer wants anything to do with God ... I need to depend on Jesus.
3. When my small children keep me up all night ... I need to depend on Jesus.
4. When my daughter is caught stealing and her grades are slipping ... I need to depend on Jesus.
5. When I have no answer for the grieving widow who sits crying in the office ... I need to depend on Jesus.
6. When I go to pay the mortgage and the money is not there ... I need to depend on Jesus.
7. When its been weeks since my husband and I have been intimate .. I need to depend on Jesus.
8. When no matter how hard I try, I cannot sleep through the night .. I need to depend on Jesus.
9. When I am lonely and feel like no one understands ... I need to depend on Jesus.
10. When I am overwhelmed with the pain or regret ... I need to depend on Jesus.
Thank you Father for all the experiences that keep us dependant on you.
May we learn to be dependant on you each moment of the day. To remember what is true, that you are with us holding on to us tight. That your promises for us are for good, and that we are never asked to "do it myself". May we be plugged into you the true vine. Amen
That's all for now
Jacqueline
Therefore, I am choosing this moment to be thankful for the things that keep me dependant on Christ. That is, the very weaknesses that keep HIS grace being sufficient to me. Some of the "things that keep us dependant" that I have recently heard from others, or I have personally experienced are:
1. When I feel intense pain and grief over the memories and the "Crappy anniversaries" of when my marriage ended ... I need to depend on Jesus.
2. When my teenager tells me he no longer wants anything to do with God ... I need to depend on Jesus.
3. When my small children keep me up all night ... I need to depend on Jesus.
4. When my daughter is caught stealing and her grades are slipping ... I need to depend on Jesus.
5. When I have no answer for the grieving widow who sits crying in the office ... I need to depend on Jesus.
6. When I go to pay the mortgage and the money is not there ... I need to depend on Jesus.
7. When its been weeks since my husband and I have been intimate .. I need to depend on Jesus.
8. When no matter how hard I try, I cannot sleep through the night .. I need to depend on Jesus.
9. When I am lonely and feel like no one understands ... I need to depend on Jesus.
10. When I am overwhelmed with the pain or regret ... I need to depend on Jesus.
Thank you Father for all the experiences that keep us dependant on you.
May we learn to be dependant on you each moment of the day. To remember what is true, that you are with us holding on to us tight. That your promises for us are for good, and that we are never asked to "do it myself". May we be plugged into you the true vine. Amen
That's all for now
Jacqueline
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